Is this possible? I mean when I am imagine kissing a girl I have an immediate "nausea" feeling (in my stomach). But I've tried to identify as gay but that's not for me, I just cannot fit it with my deepest values. It feels like I am gay in the mind but straight in real life....is it possible? Can someone relate? (I used to have 2 girlfriends and I've kissed them a lot and didn't feel this feeling....even though I neither felt erection most of the time it just felt natural and that's all, and a few times it moved down there, but haven't got an erection). Or is this a big mind trick?
I can't tell for sure, because everything is subjective, but from my experience when you say That's what someone call "feeling the butterflies in your stomach", something that one might experience in situation of deep emotional impact. Then again, I can't tell for sure, you're the ultimate judge. I questioned myself about my sexual orientation and I came to the conclusion that I am straight: I like women and I find nauseating the idea of doing anything sexual with a man, and for nauseating I mean that I already feel like throwing up, just for s̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ writing it out loud.
You may be straight, gay or bisexual. There's only one way to find out what you really are, imagination is never reliable.
In real life I know that I would found it nauseating to do anything with a man. But in my mind thinking about kissing a woman causes this feeling. Although I am not sure, because often I just CANNOT imagine to kiss a girl (literally!) because my mind "don't let it". (I mean my mind pops up gay things immediately when thinkin about girls). So I am know that I am not gay...believe me, I've tried to accept that but it isn't fit with my deepest values. (I have nothing against with gay people but its just not for me). But what is a fact that until know I was lack of male relationships, (maybe due to porn caused isolation...) and maybe these "friendships hunger" awoked gay feelings in me? (walk hand in hand with my gender identity confusion...)
what "way" do you think of? I really don't want to "try" a relationship with a guy (or even just gay sex)...
I understand what you mean man, I have the same problem and I struggle with it everytime I relapse. I can do things with guys online but never in real life, I can never imagine doing something with a guy. Although I have cammed with a lot of guys but that's where the addiction to porn kicks in, over time the escalation to gay porn occurs and then it still escalates, in my case I wanted it to be interactive and so I moved to video chats with other guys. I am straight but whenever these thoughts take over and my urges kick in, I am a whole different person. I have no problem with being with guys in real life, I have alot of guy friends and I have no problem with spending time with them. I hope you don't feel alone with this. I understand your struggle as I am still looking for who I am and I hope abstaining from porn and camming will make the answer clearer for me , and I hope for you too.
Go to a gay bar, no for real. You'll know for sure then. You don't have to do anything, just observe stuff.
I am on my way to "heal" and build-up my male relationships, and I can say that this "journey" helps a lot. Maybe it will take some time to feel like my own self-again but I can say that I have "moments" when I am and feel totally hetero and THOSE MOMENTS worth the biggest fights!
I quoted this very line because that is what gave me the following thought: Couldn't it be that a subconscious part of yourself is inclined to despise gay people, while the rational and conscious part of yourself wants to accept them because your values don't embrace despise and hate; as a result, you're subconsciously trying to have gay fantasies/experiences to understand gay people and accept them even with your subconscious mind? This is just a thought, not a real question, you don't have to answer me, it has to serve yourself.
Hmmm this is interesting ... This Make sense at least to a degree ... But what can i do against it ? I dont wanna have these thoughts :/
I don't know how to advise you. @RepentMySins has probably given you the best advice: go to a gay bar. If you don't have one near where you live, maybe try to know some gay online, even though I am afraid this could trigger you on the PMO side, hence why I am reluctant suggesting you to do so.
You can't be sure about your sexuality if you haven't rebooted for at least 90 days. After you have rebooted the truth will unfold itself. Right now rebooting should be your goal. Don't worry about questions you won't find an immediate answer for.
notice that I've never watched gay porn... I watched only transgendered person and straight porn, and the only connection with gay porn for me is when watching a transwoman stuff and among the "related videos" there was some gay stuff but I saw those pictures and did nothing to me....I didn't find it disgusting also, but I was just not interested in that...
Since june 10 or so I am only relapsed 4-5 times. My social anxiety and other porn related problems are almost disappeared. I don't know that 4-5 times relapse within 3 months means that I am "back to the square one" or not, what do you think?
Roughly once every 18-24 days avg. I don't think your back to square one. Square one would be binge relapsing like 3 -5 days straight.
i wouldnt suggest going to gay bar to find out if you're gay. that's what happens with porn chasing effect. at first we seek novelty n then we are googling categories that once we thought as taboo. maybe give the mind a break. try to improve other areas of life. at times its better to play safe. let the 90 day reboot take into effect. that should help.
What I mean is, as long as you haven't rebooted enough as to not relapse for 90 days, you can't differentiate what is fetish and what not. It may even take longer than 90 days.