lazarus1999

I first came across NoFap about three years ago through a close friend of mine. He'd begun his journey already, aged 18. I'd already started avoiding porn about two months earlier after a lengthy argument with myself to do so that lasted about 4-5 months. I'd never slept with a girl before until the previous September; my first week of college.

I was so numbed by porn-use that I couldn't even get stiff.

So, it's January 2018, and I make the pledge that enough is enough. I'm 18-years-old and I want better. But it isn't until March that I start. The mistake I made the first time around was confusing my understanding of NoFap as being the act of abstaining from masturbation and porn videos (not images). So I'm still edging on Google Images, unaware of the mistake I was making... until I go to my friend's 19th birthday party in April.

There, I meet a girl and we go out onto the beach. I'm impotent -- the alcohol definitely didn't help -- but it's because I've been edging regularly. I've received all the benefits of semen-retention, but the mental aspect is still unsolved.

I open up to my best friend about my porn-use at the start of June 2018 and from there I begin an actual NoFap streak. For 2 months, I'm clean, but this time my mistake is my use of alcohol, poor sleep patterns, no meditation, etc.

I've been Interrailing through Continental Europe for the whole of July having an amazing time but I still have a very immature understanding of sex, regardless of the fact that my virility had healed tenfold.

(Bear in mind, I'm still a virgin, and that's something, out of blind pride, that I've kept to myself).

So, when I come back from this trip, I'm depressed. I feel there's nothing left to work towards. So what do I do? I treat myself to porn.
And then some more.
And then some more.
And then some more.
Until anew, I'm completely hooked and I've got to repeat the whole process.

In August 2018, I meet a girl from France and it goes so well that come October, I'm flying over to see her. But after all those months of no exercise, rampant porn-use, and a lifestyle that, overall, left a lot to be desired, I can't get my dick up for her. So with her, I felt like I was on a morphine trip but without joy. I was a walking zombie, so away in my head, it would deter anyone from being around me.

This continued for months.

In March 2019, I'm at a gig in Dublin and I meet the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. We go on a date a few weeks later. I fuck it up because the whole time I'm so preoccupied with getting with her, with presenting an image of someone I'm not, with taking from the experience by obsessing about making it work.

Still, I'm missing the vital cornerstone of this entire journey, and she would be the woman that teaches me that lesson:

That I am worth the effort.

We part ways in May 2019 and in the last week of that month, I go on two dates, both of which go swimmingly because that whole week, I was treating myself like someone I was responsible for caring for. But, I won't lie, part of what inspired the confidence was that I was going to Hungary a few days later for a month. And I believed, so fervently, that there I would overcome my fear of being vulnerable in front of women.

But it just didn't work like that.

It was a month of come-downs, would be's, and could be's but not without its lessons. What I learned in Budapest was that change is not dependant on one's environment. It comes down to the individual and his/her/their 'why?'

In September 2019, I find my confidence. It's only partially to do with NoFap; it's also because I've begun to practice meditation, I've been exercising, and because I've found my purpose as a writer. But most importantly, I've discovered the power of curiosity.

So I go on three dates that month, two of which go great. One of the three becomes something bigger, and at the end of that month, I lose my virginity.

But one problem remains: I'm still not comfortable with condom-use. It's something that's freaked me out for a while and I know it comes back to my ongoing battle with rebooting. It's internal and has nothing to do with anything else. But I'll return to this.

I and my best friend had been talking for a year about spending time just approaching women on the street; crushing our egos and coming at the entire process from the desire to share amazing experiences. We only worked up the balls by the end of October 2019.
(And still, I was battling quitting masturbation/porn-use, but nowhere near on the scale that I was. It was sporadic and far from out-of-control).

For 4 whole months, three nights a week, we went out onto the streets of Dublin and approached women. It was, without the shadow of a doubt, the most life-changing and beautiful process of my life. I became a much more grounded and empowered man.

At the end of February 2020, I met a beautiful woman from Brazil who I saw for a month until she was forced to return home because of the outbreak of COVID-19 in Europe. And still, with her, I struggled greatly with condom-use. We had unprotected sex the whole time because she was on the Pill and neither of us were seeing anyone else.

So on St. Patrick's Day 2020, a national lockdown was implemented in Ireland and I found myself at home in a non-stop state of reflection. I pledged to myself that this year I would finally beat porn. I hadn't been on an actual porn site for about a year and a half, but I was still edging on Google Images and Instagram because unfortunately, we live in a society where porn has been normalized. I went on PornHub twice in June.

Only twice.

I was going on month-long streaks but still edging. What I'm failing to understand is that porn-use is habitual and it's triggered by certain behaviors in our lifestyles. For me, it's always been the morning time and evening when I'd be lying in bed and I'd start having a tug. I'm only accepting this as an actual reality right now as I'm typing. I relapsed last night and I've finally FINALLY had enough. I will beat this once and for all and I've come here to the actual place where it all started to seek the guidance and accountability that NoFap can offer.

This is such an amazing movement. I want every man out there to know they're worth it. Take it from me, who spent every day of every year until he turned 17, playing Skyrim.