Disgusted of extreme fetishes (Triggers)

Hi all, this is going to be a long one, if you can get through it I'd greatly appreciate your opinion.

I'm 22 at the moment. I think I started watching at porn at 13 years old, I was an unhappy and messed up kid who didn't really understand what sex was about. My porn tastes escalated pretty quickly and I needed more and more to get off.

I started with softcore images, moved on to lesbian porn, then to regular porn and stayed there for a few years. After this things started to get weird. At 15 I moved onto anal porn, then to painful anal. I started browsing 4chan and other messed up sites and came across new stuff like extreme insertion, fisting, BDSM and virgin porn (thank god 99% of it is fake). Each time I needed something more depraved to get off. The lowest I got was watching a few videos of women with animals and 'amateur fisting' where the girl was obviously in pain. I think I would have killed myself if I had watched child porn.

I hated myself for it but something primeval would take over, I'd enter a fog and couldn't stop myself. Afterwards I'd always feel sick and disgusted with myself, I'd think about suicide and wonder how I could ever live a normal life. Thankfully I stopped watching this kind of stuff at 17. I continued masturbating but kept myself to 'normal' porn. About a year ago I relapsed and watched some of an old video, it started to feel wrong and I switched back to normal porn halfway through. After that I went into a month of the worst depression I've ever had and made plans toward suicide.

I haven't masturbated to anything beyond happy, penis in vagina porn since then and mostly stick to pictures rather than videos, but every now and again I come across things that I associate with extreme porn and I feel that little giddy dopamine spike before I start feeling ashamed.

I know I never would have wanted any of these fetishes in real life, I never had any of these thoughts about girls I knew, met or liked. With non-internet girls I fantasize about lying in bed with them, or getting married and living together. I know I have an addictive personality. I know that I was messed up as a teenager and have since been diagnosed with OCD and Depression. I know that this led to those messed up views of women and sex. But I worry that some of these fetishes still remain and feel disgusted and ashamed of the past.


I've started trying to reboot in the hope of fixing all this and having a more healthy sex life. Does anyone have any advice or relevant experience?