So where to begin I am writing not as a porn addict but as the partner of one. My whole world came crashing down at the end og Jan when I found out that my partner was addicted to watching and participating in porn. After getting very angry and defensive he finally admitted that he watched porn everyday and got himself off also to live chats and calling escorts. I had know for a while that something was up as he had shown less and less interest in me and our sex life. I just had never guessed how deep this went. So much has come out over the last few weeks. I am trying and failing and trying again to understand and support him but I'm failing more. I know I'm not the most patient woman and I have high expectations for him and myself but I have become so irrational about everything. I go from wanting to check up on him 100% to hating myself for being doing it. I have never had a serious relationships and would end all short term flings really easily. This was different. I really fell for this guy and I do still hop that we can figure it out. Or at least I did. Yesterday was Valentine's day and we were meant to have sex for the first time in ages but I walked in on him watching porn while I was just in the other room. Everytime something happens he is always sorry and loving but I feel less and less affected by his words as he is an addict and will say anything right now. I came home again today to find the house a mess and him in front of porn and escort pictures. We have spent the evening arguing and I feel such anger and hatred towards him that I lashed out verbally and physically. I have never ever done that to anyone but I really think that I'm going mad. Any thoughts?
The only thing that comes to mind is hate the addiction, not the addict. As you know yourself arguing isn't going to do much good because it will only make him, or both of you, more defensive towards one another. You could sit with him when you both have calmed down and talk to him about how you feel. Or you could write how you feel in a letter. Every addiction is strong and it can blind sight people into appreciating whats good in their life. So i wouldn't take his actions personal. Like any addiction its mostly a coping mechanism. So maybe try and get him to open up about his feelings, which for us guys can feel impossible at times. But there might be something stressing him out that he's not telling anyone about. Good luck, and don't beat yourself up for what he's doing.
When things are calm and you talk to him about this make sure to use I statements instead of you statements. You statements are more likely to make the other person feel attacked.
Hi, Am new here. Sounds like things will only get worse. I recommend both of you visit a counsellor or a sex therapist perhaps. Will only work if youe partner serious about giving up porn.
Alright is there any Sexaholics anonymous group or some group like that in your area? I think it would help immensely. but the first thing he needs to do is admit he has a problem, has he done that yet?
Hi. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As an ex SO I was there, my world came crashing down and I had no idea what was true and what was not. I suggest you head over to the Partner support forum, you will find many women dealing with this that can offer support. You are not alone, this is not your fault, and only he can make the changes. I was turned down for sex all the time. He needs to stop PMO, he needs to stop lying and he needs to get help. Does he want to stop? You also have the right to set boundaries and leave if he fails them. Trust me you deserve better. Either he becomes that better man or you find someone who is.
Agree with the others, you want to be with each other - he has to see that the porn and escort addiction is destroying your relationship. I also would say, don´t argue in a hateful/frustrated way, but try to come through to him with all the love you still have for him, that you together beat this addiction. If he doesn´t see the problem, all your understanding for his addiction will be worthless, so I would make absolutely clear how important this issue is, but in a loving way. I myself visited escorts and I used to watch a lot of porn. But if I have a girlfriend, I would not do this to her and I´m not just claiming this. I know I wouldn´t hurt my love, but hope that it doesn´t make her sad that I went to escorts in the past. @noonoon she seems to want to be with him, even though he doesn´t really respect her now.
Thanks for all the feedback. I do want to be with him and I am willing to put in the time and patience for this but only if the respect is there. And at the moment (him watching it while I'm doing extra hours at work or while I'm in the next room working) feels like a slap in the face. I think he needs to get a job (even unpaid experience ) as studying is not keeping him busy enough. I know college is full time but it involves home study and he has no willpower while in the flat. Last night he called and organised a session with a therapist so that's next week. I will try the calm conversations and the 'I' vs 'you' statements. I have also written down my expectations and showed them to him. He looked a little unhappy about them but accepted. The thing that is on my mind is that this latest relapse (He told me that he has had the issue for ages and way before we met) happened after he proposed to me. I only found out about this a few weeks ago and have since paused the engagement as I just don't know who this man is right now.
Yeah Is he relapsing on the phone or computer? There's something you can download on the computer (It will cost you money though) called covenant eyes. It will send accountability reports to whoever you choose to send them to , has a web filter and you can be the administrator so he can't delete it. I also hear K9 is good as well on the computer so there is options. I also got rid of my smartphone and now have a flip phone which has also helped me in not relapsing. Ever since I got rid of my smartphone I have not relapsed yet which I am pretty proud of. It's good he acknowledged it's a problem and a lot of people have to fight this alone so he's got that going for him. I aint going to shugar coat it though it will be a decently long process he will most likely go into a flat line after awhile and he may need a couple of months of complete abstinence, but it's definitely worth it. It's also helpful to find out why he is stuck in that cycle. once something is a habit it takes a lot of days and a lkot of fighting to get it out of your cycle. I recommend giving him a workout schedule or even going jogging/walks, replace the bad activity with healthy activity to get his confidence up. A healthy diet also helps get him cooking, learning a language something to keep his mind of porn.
This is huge progress, other people with porn addiction may flip out and would not try to change anything. Drug and porn addicts may feel that you want to take away what gives them pleasure, when you actually want to make things better. So after nice progress, I would consider giving my partner rewards (for example emotional, doing an activity together he really likes etc), so he connects good feelings with his effort and you. Then continiue to work on not relapsing again. If his urges are overwhelming, then maybe the software chris555 suggested is useful, if he doesn´t feel degraded/treated like a child by that but sees it as a useful tool.
i dont think its a good idea to spy on him. sooner or later he will realise and it could cause more havoc between you too. you cannot show a lack of trust in this situation.
Well I am not insisting on spying on him though. He would know that it's on his computer I think it would help him out a lot and make her feel more relieved being able to monitor his progress.
Nah, not spying on him. Only if his urges are too overwhelming, she could offer him the advice that he himself installs the software as a tool for a weak moment. For example if he wants to access a hardcore pornsite, but has to enter 3 very long random passwords first to bypass blockers, he gains some time to cool down and may instead decide for example to take a shower or go for a walk.
yep theres some good parental control settings provided by internet providers these days, that basically block out porn sites if u search for them.
