Took me long enough

Never thought I'd be doing this, but I feel desperate to explain my struggle with pornography.

I am a pastors kid who grew up in church. I was very shielded from the outside world and would regularly go to the public library after elementey school with my siblings. One day i was playing computer games, I was about 8 or 9, I looked at the computer screen next to me. An older man had a small video on the left side of his screen. I was curious and looked at it for a while not understanding what I was looking at. It was a pornographic film. I immediately had a weird feeling but then went back to playing my games.
I later started taking my mothers magazines and I would hide them under my bed and just look at the women on them.

I later got a computer in my room when I was about 11 or 12 and made my very own yahoo email. I would play games on the computer and when the coast was clear, I would image search innocent things to try and find pictures of girls. I one day came across the safe search option and took it off. I started yahoo searching slang words for women body parts that we used in middle school. I was so addicted. I wouldn't do anything but stare and try to find more, I'd click links and it'd take me to different places. I would do that as fast as I could for about 10 mins then history clear everything. That went on until my 8th grade year.

My 8th grade year, I had just turned 13, my parents bought me a PSP as a gift. Little did they know they gave me a destructive device that had the power of the internet. My friends from school would always make masturbating gestures but I never really understood them and they would make a "cumming" gesture that I just didn't understand.

The PSP introduced me to pornography 2 min free download clips that I saved on a special memory card in a secret place. I would just watch them for a couple of months but never touched myself until one day when I was showering, I got so curious to understand why the masturbating gesture was so popular in school. I tried it amd felt silly until it happened. I ejaculated for the first time and I literally panicked and fell. I don't know why I thought my parents would see it in me or know what i had did, but I felt the overwhelming shame cover me.

I was hooked, the masturbating took its hold on my life, I would masturbate 4-5 times daily and spend about 1 hour of my day in the restroom. This continued until 11th grade when I started mweting girls and wanted to have sex of my own. I was desperate, I was willing to sleep with anyone. The second part of my 11th grade year I gave my life to Jesus Christ and went on a 4 or 5 months streak of no masturbating. But then, it hit again after a heart break my senior year, it was my destressor, my relaxer, my favorite part of the day.

Ever since then, I have been living with this conviction. Since then I've had a serious relationship that was sexual, it kept me away from porn for a while but I had a God moment again and have abstained from sex. But my pornography and masturbation has not stopped. Currently I'd say I masturbate about 5 or 6 times a week. Some weekends I'm in my room alone at night and ened up masturbating twice in one night.

I really want to have a healthy view of sex and stop this addiction. I've tried reading my bible for help but my self-discipline is so weak. I'm sorry for the rant, if you got all the way here you're the real MVP. I know that Jesus died for me and my sins and I am forgiven by grace if I repent and confess but really, I want to grow in my spirituality. Someone help me with accountability, no one know but you who have read. Thanks for reading.