Behold the Cross of the Lord, Flee ye Hostile Forces

Similar to Costanza, my whole life (from age 17 til age 37) was a lie. At age 17, I quietly abandoned the faith and took up the pleasures of the world. My first experience with pornography was not until age 17 (see the coinciding decline?), and since I was an awkward and timid youth, by embracing the porn culture (like the rest of my so-called pals), I became more popular in the eyes of the world. This porn and self-gratification carried through right into my first (and only) marriage. Needless to say, everything I said on the altar was a lie, my confession of sins was a lie, my promise to my exwife was a lie, my promise to the Lord of Hosts was a lie. And somehow, in the midst of lies and deception with a quiet addiction for the sins of the flesh, I promised to love honour and obey a woman until death parted us. Yeah, that was the biggest lie I ever told myself. Guess what I did when she and I were not getting along? Looked at porn, and whacked off. Brilliant solution, thus perpetuating the cycle and ruinating the marital relations on my end even more. And after my marriage ended and I came out of my isolation of two years, I went hog-wild, finding every easily seduced woman I could find to have sex with. By the world's standards, I had it pretty good.... bachelor, multiple women to have sex with at random, yadda yadda yadda. But the emptyness remained, and the addiction to the flesh remained. I had no faith of any kind, and had even begun experimenting with the occult, and cursed my Maker (literally, out loud, screaming at the heavens), and briefly delved into devil worship. That's right.

For some reason His Majesty saw fit to bring me back to the light (late 2010) at a time when everything in my life seemed to be going well (in other words, I didn't have some conversion because of some major life trauma). So from December 2010, I am the same guy as before, but now I struggle to avoid the sins of the flesh as opposed to giving into them night and day with not a second thought. Needless to say, the intensity of the deviations are much worse now than ever, because there is nothing the enemy hates more than a soul that converts. So in whatever way any of you struggle and lament with this, I am right there with you, every day.

I am reminded of something I read recently. St Thomas Aquinas is one of the greatest theologians in all of history. Thomas said that the conversion of one sinner is greater than the creation of the entire universe. The reason for this is because God created the universe out of nothing, and "nothing" does not oppose his will. But a hardened sinner opposes His will. So Thomas concluded that the conversion of one soul out of darkness is a greater miracle than the creation of every planet or galaxy or anything.

So take heart brethren. Even when we fall, we rise. When we are unfaithful, He is faithful. Even when we screw up, let us do as Peter did, and lament and ask for forgiveness, pick up our Cross, and begin again if necessary. Let us never be so arrogant as Judas and presume that he cannot forgive us once more. How many times did He tell Peter he should forgive? 70 times 7 (which of course is a reference to an infinite number). So if he commands that much forgiveness be shown amongst each other, of course the Lord of Forgiveness Himself likewise is even moreso compassionate and merciful to us when we ask Him.