Full disclosure? Part journal, part rant....

The full disclosure thing really bothers me as well. I can't stand not knowing if I know everything or not. And there is no way for me to ever know. I have to trust someone that lied to me for 16 years, and that is really hard to do.

So, in Nov 2016 I found out about P. He minimized it A LOT and it wasn't until July 2017 until I found out it was a PA. And even then a ton was hidden. I kept finding out more and more very slowly up until Dec. 2017. I think he finally saw that the lying/omitting wasn't doing him any favors because every time I would find out something new, it would erase anything positive or any healing that had happened during that time. I still worry I don't know everything, though. The things he has admitted to above were all P related, nothing outside of that. So, what I'm saying is that mine (so far) didn't spread out for that long and didn't go beyond P and yes, it was still extremely hard for me come back from. It just feels so disrespectful when I'm always begging for the truth. I'm sorry you are going through this.

And yes, a prostitute is extremely relevant. Even if he really thought it isn't relevant to the PA, wouldn't it be relevant to your relationship at least?

 

I am so sorry I know how painful it can be to have a constant trickle out of information. It’s really like feeling the pain all over again every time. And the anxiety is absolute hell. What else is there? It’s waiting for the other shoe to drop every second of everyday. If someone has been an addict for a long time I think it’s possible there are some details they may legit forget like minor things. But what you are mentioning is not minor he knows darn well he needs to tell you but chooses not to. I always say in trying to rebuild trust the person who broke it should error on the side of caution and be overly honest, honest to a fault tell everything unless your partner says they do not want to hear it. And certainly if she asks be honest. I’ve been on multiple boards on here where addicts are trying to justify withholding things and it is very frustrating. Here’s my thoughts on why:
1. You are already really hurt from what you have been told and they don’t want to let you down again.
2. They truly believe you will never find out so wants the harm?
3. They want what they are saying to be the truth so they believe it is
4. They think your requests to stop are unreasonable so you deserve to be lied to
5. They need more time and are not ready to stop but don’t want to say that.

But I think the biggest factor is they have been lying for so long they don’t know how to be honest. Sometimes they lie consciously to avoid your pain, but for many it’s truly automatic. If let’s say you have been together for five years and he’s been lying the whole time, that’s how he knows your relationship him lying. My ex would lie about stupid stuff. Anytime he felt his true answer would me upset he would lie. It’s has to separate the PMO and the lying sometimes because in many people the lying has been going on for far longer then the addiction and in every part of his life. I think the question is is my partner a liar, or is my partner an addict who lies to feed his addiction? The latter is easier to fix, the former means he has to learn a new language and it can be a very very long road.

 

This is a fantastic article that sums up disclosure. Just substitute Porn for Affair, they are interchangeable for me.

“Dressing up the truth a little may seem harmless, or even protective, but in reality it is nothing more than attempt to control, manipulate, and minimize”

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2013/03/16/trickle-truth/

 

I totally feel your pain. My husband's PA has been with him forever (well over 20 years I think), and we have only been together for 10 years. So 10 years of living in the dark but with pretty obvious signs of things not being right, until last October he got caught and he had to admit to something. So he did confess that 'he had a bit of a problem with porn'. I started digging and with every new thing I found he would say something along the lines of 'oh, I didn't know that was also relevant'. Basically, he wouldn't add anything on top of what I could find hard evidence for and I got tired of asking questions to drag things out of him. Then he refused to talk about it 'because he is doing just fine' and he is living this new life - free of porn, happy, active and playing the perfect husband part. Waiting, I guess, for me to just get over it, forget and embrace the changed man he has become.
I told him I cannot move one until we dive into the past and dissect every bloody detail, so he agreed we will go back to it when his therapist decides he is ready for the couples therapy (it should be in a month or so). I just feel so tired and I feel I can't believe a single word he says. There are situations from the past (real life, not porn related) that will need some explaining, as at the time they happened he fed me some total bullshit and I just gave up on trying to get the truth out of him, as I couldn't prove anything. I can't really see how he is going to overcome this fear of telling me anything painful, harmful or uncomfortable. He just doesn't seem to have it in him. And his inclination to always resort to statements like 'oh, I forgot about that one', 'oh yes, but that was ages ago', 'oh, I didn't think you also meant that sort of thing' makes me not want to talk to him at all. I feel I've done so much talking over the years that it is his turn and he should just get his shit together and speak up unprompted, for once.
Sorry, it turned into a bit of a rant, but whenever I think of it it just drives me up the wall.
I think 48 hours seems enough, but also maybe ask him how long he needs. Will a couple of days be enough? It should be, but maybe not. Maybe he will still feel the pressure. Maybe if you let him pick time and day when he is going to come clean, it will really be in his hands and he won't be able to tell you later that 'oh yes, but I felt under pressure and I didn't have enough time to think about it'. Good luck.

 

No, he never admitted and I never suspected, but I suspected everything else. He was so uninterested in sex! Even sex scenes in films seem to make him uncomfortable. First I though he was shy and inexperienced and it was quite cute and was going to change over time, right? But sex was getting worse, less frequent and then PIED made things even worse. Over the years I thought he was: gay/asexual/not attracted to me/having an affair or just sleeping around (his job would make it extremely easy for him)/depressed/unable to get over childhood traumas/really ill/chronically fatigued. And probably other possibilities as well. I explored every single possibility, googled like mad, tried to talk to him and send him to doctors. To no avail, until I picked up his iPad on an impulse and found it logged into a chatroom. So yeah, that’s my story.

 

Yes... He seems to be shaken to his core for anything between 5 and 30 minutes after something makes him aware of the damage (be it a video, his therapy session, or a converstation we have). After that I guess he just goes back to the way he has always been, i.e. not really thinking much about anything important/unpleasant/uncomfortable/difficult. So while I basically live with all these thoughts and emotions running in the background most of the time, if not all of the time, he would be more than happy to never look back.
Also I have a feeling that he always tries to say things he thinks I may want to hear just to get me off his back and shut me up. Which shuts me up alright, as I can’t see a point in having a conversation like that - with him guessing the answers in a hope that he may get them right.