- Apr 9, 1971 (Age: 49)
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Moderator Assistant, Female, 49
Staff Member Moderator Assistant
My brain says, "Who cares anymore?" But, then my heart whispers, "You do, stupid..." Jun 1, 2016
- Apr 9, 1971 (Age: 49)
Although I've been coming here regularly for awhile to follow along with others' journeys/journals, I'm just now beginning my own. I thought it may be helpful to put my own thoughts out there in hopes of finding a pathway which may lead me to some sort of healing. For so long now, I've been wandering around in a daze, having no idea which way to turn and not really seeing a path of any kind to even begin to take. I want that to change. I need it to change. So, here's a little about my story...
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I'm the wife of a PMO addict. We've been married for 19 years and have been together for 23 years. His addiction had been around much longer than I have, and although there were signs from early on, I didn't know the depth of the problem until much further down the road. For so many years, I was very naive, gullible, and just plain stupid. I've also continued to make the same foolish mistake over and over again...listening with my heart instead of my brain. Even as I sit here knowing how many times that has caused me heartbreaking results, I still have a tendency to do it again. I am, however, starting to get better about it.
As with many others whose stories I've read here, there have been a series of repeated cycles...I make a 'discovery,' he says he's sorry and hates that he's hurt me so much and promises it will never happen again, I believe him, and it seems to get better. Then, in a week or a month or maybe even a few months, the cycle starts all over again. I am just beginning to realize that part of the reason it's continued unchanged is because I've allowed it to. But, I also know that I'm not completely to blame because he's also chosen to keep it this way.
I'm now at a point where I know things have to change. Whether those changes will solely be made by me alone or along with changes he's willing to make himself, I don't really know right now. What I do know is that I have no self-esteem left, the anxiety I constantly feel is overwhelming me to the point that I wish I never had to leave the house, and the worrying and insecurities consume most of my thoughts around the clock. Yet, I have to make it through each day doing my best to pretend like I'm ok because I don't want to upset or worry our 4 sons. But, I feel like I'm weakening to the point where I can't keep pretending anymore, and I end up crying in the bathroom or as soon as I lie down in bed at night just to let some of it out.
Now, though, I'm determined to get out of this hole. I'm so very hopeful that my husband and I will come out of it together, but only time will tell. Either way, though, it has to happen.
I'm sorry for the long ramble. It feels good to get some of this out, and although there is much more to the story, that's good enough for now.
SignatureNothing changes if nothing changes.
As an addict, you're always doing one of two things...either you're working on recovery or you're working on a relapse.