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Apr 9, 1971 (Age: 51)

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NoFap Moderator, Female, 51

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My brain says, "Who cares anymore?" But, then my heart whispers, "You do, stupid..." Jun 1, 2016

    1. Ignis Divinis
      Ignis Divinis
      thanks for approve my avatar
      1. TheIntelligent and hope4healing like this.
    2. mychamp
      Thanks for approving my avatar.
      1. hope4healing likes this.
    3. Deleted Account
      Deleted Account
      Thanks for approving my Avatar.
      1. hope4healing likes this.
    4. Uni_boy22
      Thanks for approving my Avatar
    5. Mr.Tony
      Thanks for Aproving my Avatar.
    6. Grow_out_of_it
      This is quite random but your avatar is so funny it made me laugh. Have a nice day :)
    7. Deleted Account
      Deleted Account
      Hi @hope4healing, how are things with you? Was just thinking about you and hoping you're doing OK. Best wishes.
      1. Win_for_life and hope4healing like this.
      2. hope4healing
        Thank you, @HARP . I really appreciate you checking in. Things are about the same, but something has to give...soon. I'm so happy you see things are going well for you lately. :) Keep going.
        Jun 14, 2018
      3. Deleted Account
        Deleted Account
        Just remember that you are awesome! You deserve every good thing! I hope you can get some support for your struggles IRL, everyone needs some backup. Take care, wishing you a good day.
        Jun 14, 2018
    8. roonilwaslib
      Hi @hope4healing , just wanted to drop in and send some hope and love your way. You've been very compassionate and helpful for me and I really appreciate it!
    9. Αλληγορία Κοσμο
      Αλληγορία Κοσμο
      Once you get distracted doing things out of the comfort zone, then you will have no time to relapse, just time to enjoy with your ruby once he is home on the most beautiful natural way <3
      1. Win_for_life likes this.
    10. John McClean
      John McClean
      Hello Hope4Healing. I'm honored that you are now following my posts. I wish you great success in your desire to be free.
    11. hope4healing
      My brain says, "Who cares anymore?" But, then my heart whispers, "You do, stupid..."
      1. View previous comments...
      2. AllanTheCowboy
        Wow! :)
        Sep 7, 2016
      3. Baldur
        Apr 6, 2018
        Win_for_life and hope4healing like this.
      4. Krishna Das
        Krishna Das
        Going to listen to my heart
        Dec 29, 2021
    12. hope4healing
      Effects of PMO addiction can be so overwhelming to loved ones of the addict. Yet, those changes are completely invisible to the addict.
    13. Better Than This
      Better Than This
      Thanks for the follow: I was able to read your posts, and I wish you the best of luck with your husband. Like the spouse of any addict, he needs to see it as a problem for things to get better. I feel for you.
    14. hope4healing
      I'm here, a wife who's terribly broken, but I love my husband deeply and am clinging to a shred of hope...for him, for me, and for us.
      1. Win_for_life, Love369, vxlccm and 5 others like this.
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  • About

    Apr 9, 1971 (Age: 51)
    Journal Thread Link:
    View my Journal
    Although I've been coming here regularly for awhile to follow along with others' journeys/journals, I'm just now beginning my own. I thought it may be helpful to put my own thoughts out there in hopes of finding a pathway which may lead me to some sort of healing. For so long now, I've been wandering around in a daze, having no idea which way to turn and not really seeing a path of any kind to even begin to take. I want that to change. I need it to change. So, here's a little about my story...

    I'm the wife of a PMO addict. We've been married for 19 years and have been together for 23 years. His addiction had been around much longer than I have, and although there were signs from early on, I didn't know the depth of the problem until much further down the road. For so many years, I was very naive, gullible, and just plain stupid. I've also continued to make the same foolish mistake over and over again...listening with my heart instead of my brain. Even as I sit here knowing how many times that has caused me heartbreaking results, I still have a tendency to do it again. I am, however, starting to get better about it.
    As with many others whose stories I've read here, there have been a series of repeated cycles...I make a 'discovery,' he says he's sorry and hates that he's hurt me so much and promises it will never happen again, I believe him, and it seems to get better. Then, in a week or a month or maybe even a few months, the cycle starts all over again. I am just beginning to realize that part of the reason it's continued unchanged is because I've allowed it to. But, I also know that I'm not completely to blame because he's also chosen to keep it this way.
    I'm now at a point where I know things have to change. Whether those changes will solely be made by me alone or along with changes he's willing to make himself, I don't really know right now. What I do know is that I have no self-esteem left, the anxiety I constantly feel is overwhelming me to the point that I wish I never had to leave the house, and the worrying and insecurities consume most of my thoughts around the clock. Yet, I have to make it through each day doing my best to pretend like I'm ok because I don't want to upset or worry our 4 sons. But, I feel like I'm weakening to the point where I can't keep pretending anymore, and I end up crying in the bathroom or as soon as I lie down in bed at night just to let some of it out.
    Now, though, I'm determined to get out of this hole. I'm so very hopeful that my husband and I will come out of it together, but only time will tell. Either way, though, it has to happen.

    I'm sorry for the long ramble. It feels good to get some of this out, and although there is much more to the story, that's good enough for now.



    Recovery doesn't happen for people who need it. It happens for people who want it.

    Addiction denied is recovery delayed.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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