So I found some new motivation to quit and have been successful for the last 6 weeks. This seems to be having some major changes to my libido which is understandable, but I don't know what to do about it. The positive changes are more motivation to pursue my wife, being more romantic throughout the day, and much better sex. One difficulty is that I ALWAYS want her. We have sex one night and I am hungry for more the next morning. We have 3 young kids, so finding time for sex is difficult and my wife is doing a good job in trying to be available, but sometimes we just can't get everything to work and we can't have sex when we would like. Last night I was more horny than I can remember and couldn't sleep half the night because of it. I resisted the huge temptation to masterbate, but this is not an experience I would like to repeat. So, any advice? Is it helpful if my wife helps me out with this by meeting my needs when intercourse isn't an option, or does that just encourage the unhealthy idea that I have to fulfill my sexual desires as if they were needs? My wife knows about my issues and knows I am stopping and we are open about what changes I am feeling.
Hey Josiah... I am somewhat similar to you in that I am trying to change my PMO in my life and evaluating how it affects my marriage. Me and my wife have 3 kids and also a busy life. My situation may be a bit different in that me and my wife have had a good bit of conflict in our sex life and she is healing from the pressure that I have put on her over the years. We still have sex but if I would be in charge we would have a lot more! I fee like my appetite for sex with her is a direct reflection of my addiction to porn over the years. I have created a mind that needs sex often and quick. 2 things that don't mesh well with my wife! That being said I believe us as husbands need to step and realize that sex is not more important that the health of our wives or our marriages. We can indeed survive without it and have a good relationship with our wives in times of abstinence. A mental reset is so hard and trust me I am struggling to achieve this right now but what I am doing is taking the pressure off my wife to be the release that I need in this part of my life. She ,alone, is not responsible for being the one who aids in my recovery. I need to do that myself! Keep on pressing forward!!
It might help if you view sex with your wife as a way to connect with her and express love to her instead of a sexual release to take care of your needs. Changing the mindset might be really helpful. Similar to someone changing the mindset of viewing food as for fuel for their body instead of just eating whatever tastes good and they want at the moment.
In my opinion you are still seeking out a dopamine high or stress relief, rather than the connection sex is supposed to offer you in a long term relationship. So basically you are attempting to replace PMO with your wife, and that is why you are experiencing what you are. She likely feels that (I did) when you have sex, and that leads her to want it less and less. Many addicts do not realize that they do this at all. They think they are stellar in bed, and cannot understand why everyone’s would not want them, because they act out what they see in P. I suspect part of it is your wife is busy, but a larger part is that the sex you do have is so inpersonal that she does not want it. Stopping PMO is only part of the equation, and often the easier part. The harder part is changing the mindset that PMO created and your thoughts on what sex is for and how it should be. This takes time,, and counseling and lots of discussions with your wife. But your first step is to recognize if this is in fact what is going on. The next time you have a desire ask yourself is this desire to destress or get a dopamine high or to truly connect with my wife? Hopefully this will help.
Yes, this. I believe masturbation and porn are not even related to healthy sexual relations with your partner. They are complete opposites! Masturbation is selfish. Sex should be selfless. When having sex with your partner try to see it as all about her. She will enjoy it more and I think you will be happier as well. Sex is all about sacrifice and love on both sides. If you think of your wife as an outlet to satisfy your urges, I don't think that is totally healthy. Try to separate your feelings of love from your feelings of dopamine satisfaction.
@GhostWriter I think that when it comes to sexual needs, both PA and SO want sex. The thing is I think the PA thinks of sex as getting off and the SO thinks of sex as an emotional/physical bonding experience. I think that if the PA and SO felt more emotionally close, had fun, had trust building, and proper attention, then sex would improve for both parties.
I agree as well. Many pmo addicts tend to be avoidants or have deep seeded fears of intimacy or being vulnerable. More often than not those that suffer from this were led to pmo due to this issue not the other way around. Pmo certainly makes sense it worse but it’s not the cause. It’s often issues from childhood or past relationship pain. So for some just stopping pmo will help with the intimate connection but for those with the underlying issues unrelated to pmo it’s not likely to have much of an effect on the situation and cause extreme frustration leading addicts to say “this is not working.” Recognizing and working on this issue could make or break the relationship. Often the acts during sex are what is focused on by SOs when speaking of an intimate connection. But I don’t think that’s necessarily the deciding factor. I think it’s is there an intimate connection outside of the bedroom that makes both parties feel safe and respected. If so then personally we can do whatever in the bedroom and I won’t feel used or disconnected.
