HOCD relapse scared and alone

I did not know where to post this but I have seen HOCD posts on here before anyway.

I have had hocd since i was 16 im now 22 and im a guy but i have had periods where it has gone or been less effective and i have been able to shrug the intrusive thoughts i would get, id say for the last 3 years i have been fine and kept my intrusive thoughts under control until last night when i was browsing looking for anal porn with just solo girls when i stumbled across what i thought was a women from behind it was like a trap and i did not realise and i was aroused as i browsed past i scrolled down to discover that it is a man and i had no idea, it was literally like a trap if you saw this person from behind you would think they were a women. Now my hocd is going crazy as soon as i realised it was a man my boner went i felt sick i instantly looked at other videos to check if i was attracted to men which i did not get aroused and never had. If i saw this guy had a dick i would of obviously been not looking at the video but it was not even showing it seemed like a girl from behind. Anyway now i feel very depressed my thoughts are racing about me being gay everything i worked on over the last few years has gone out of the window and i just can't seem to dismiss the thoughts. All i have in my head is the mental image of this guy and it makes me feel sick. Even though i know logically i did not think it was a guy my mind is playing tricks on me saying i did know and i liked it and i was aroused because i thought it was a guy. I don't know how to control these thoughts this is the worst thing ive ever had happen in my experience with hocd i talked to my mum about it as she knows i deal with this and she said i should just let it go and i didn't know and it was perfectly innocent and i should just move on but i just CANT seem to let it go i need some help shes always helping me through the issues but this one i just can't seem to shake i need a bit of help thanks.

I also have health anxiety which has a lot of rituals similar to HOCD so I have dealt with ocd related problems all my life and I went through therapy for that too. Thanks guys.

 

Do you think this sounds like HOCD my mum says she knows I’m not gay because of past experiences etc even that does not reassure me

 

Mate i have stopped im doing the NoFap thing because like you i have realised a direct correlation too jerking off and my anxiety like even if everything is fine and im watching girl on girl or guy on girl i will get thoughts of i was looking at the guy or im not really into this etc which i know is all bs. I have never watched gay porn and been aroused that i knew was a guy which is why this has shaken me up so much but im just trying to move past it, you are right about accepting that its ok to be gay which i do and like you i would rather be gay than have these horrid thoughts and obsessions over checking etc. I did get to a point where i accepted that and got past the thoughts by using that method this relapse has just messed with my head and im already getting past this with logic like you said i will stop seeking reassurance now and i will try and seek some ocd therapy. Logically speaking you are correct see thats something i would of said a few days ago that im not gay because gay means wanting to be with a man and date a man and falling in love with a man its also not disturbing to have thoughts like this when you are gay. Its a beautiful feeling its just when i was in the state i was i was not thinking logically my ocd was taking over like you said. Thanks for all the help man i really appreciate this . I know i can get through this again.