I've never posted in a forum before but I don't know where else to go. I'm the wife of a wonderful man who also happens to have a porn addiction, and I can't seem to find help anywhere. I don't even know what I'm looking for...just an outlet so I can talk, because I can't exactly go blabbing about my husband's issues to my friends or family. I've known my now-husband for 5 years. We dated for almost 3, and have now been married for just over 2. We have an 18-month old girl and I'm now 7 months pregnant with our 2nd girl. He told me about his addiction 4 years ago while we were just dating, and together with our priest (we're Eastern Orthodox), as well as seeing some counselors, we've been trying to combat this. Long story short, he's had ups and downs. Good long stretches, according to him (I haven't asked him to be specific because a lot of me really doesn't want to know), and some short ones. But it seems like now that we're married, with kids, it's time to really get serious about fighting this. I know I can only help so much. It has to be him wanting out more than anything I can do. I know he does want healing. He got rid of his smart phone, we have a password on our computer that only I know, and we try to live lives of repentance in our Christian faith. But it's still an addiction, and there have been times where he's needed to use the computer when I'm gone, only for me to look in the history a day or two later and see the youtube videos he's watched. The only s-anon meetings I can find are quite a ways away, and trying to schedule that with small children and my husband's work schedule is near impossible. There just doesn't seem to be any good resources for wives/partners out there, at least that don't cost money...I just want to tell somebody and not feel alone in this. He is trying, I can see that. I help set up barriers and try to keep him accountable, I pray for him, but what else can I do? What else can he do? I feel stuck together with him. My own self-image is damaged, yes, but not like it was before we were married. That's always an issue to battle for the wife/partner, but thank God it's more manageable now. Anyways...thoughts, responses, help? I'd be grateful. My husband referred me here and has found encouragement through this site.
Hi LittleTitan, First, let me point out how much courage it takes to be in your shoes. To support a spouse with PMO isn't something I am acquainted with, but from what I've read and heard, it is the journey of a heroine. Second, there's a ton of people to support you and your husband on this site. Don't forget to check out the Women's, Success Stories' and Addiction sections for different kinds of support and inspiration. Here's a few talks on youtube that will be of great help: Handling porn addiction as a couple https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDGwFlYFPqw Why I stopped watching porn www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU The great porn experiment www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU Here's my own summary of how addiction works, and how it can be overcome: Here's an updated version of the steps we can take to beat any addictive mindset: 1. Addiction is always about self image. There is a deeply embedded sense of not being worthy, that was picked up in early childhood and this usually manifests as a powerful feeling of insecurity and need for some form of closure. Very often you saw your mom, dad, or guardian's preoccupation with something other than you as meaning that you weren't important as you were, and that meant insecurity. This is prime addiction territory, because you feel insecure inside, and are looking for anything that will make you feel better. 2. The addictive substance (porn, coke, C2H5OH, food, work) fires up the reward center in the brain. As a child, the addict stumbles upon this, and finds how pleasurable it feels. So she/he starts repeating the behavior in order to feel the pleasure again and again, simply to achieve the closure that their inner insecurity demands. 3. Long term addiction rewires the reward center in the brain, and only the addictive substance appears to fire up the reward center, but only when the dosage is increased. More coke, more food, more porn or more variety in porn, etc. 4. It is possible to start rewiring your reward center. Being mindful is a very good way to set about this. Each time the open ended feeling of insecurity shows up, which you usually fill with the addictive substance, be alert and mindful as long as you can. If you fail, that's okay, as long as you remember to be mindful just a little more each time. 5. It is possible to entirely reverse the pathology to the brain caused by addictive behavior, simply by being aware of the behavior as it manifests. Again, mindfulness to the rescue. The intense discomfort of resisting your addiction is actually because your addiction related neural network is firing on all cylinders, and your reward center is demanding a hit. Once you start seeing your discomfort as brain rewiring, you start slowly being okay with it. This process takes time for most people. 6. More mindfulness meditation = more results. Learning to simply be in the present moment, and learning to gently nudge your attention back to the present, no matter what thoughts drag it away, is your best bet against any addiction. Once this faculty of moving your attention from a thought to the present moment becomes established, you can do so with ease when the addictive thought shows up. 7. Addiction removal is only a fraction of the story. There is a wonderful life full of love, friends, harmony and energetic accomplishment that being addiction free is all about. To actively start living this life without waiting for the addiction to be gone is the proper way. Every added measure of energy you get from not indulging in your addiction must be devoted to living your ideal life. Now. You are the surest thing in the world. Bet on yourself. You will succeed along with your husband!
Here's something I wrote on working on self image, that is the heart of any addiction. I think your husband and you will find this useful as well: Replacing the critical inner voice (updated) Changing your inner self talk appears to be the main ingredient in taking charge of your thoughts and actions, in the context of an addictive mindset. In order to actually change your self talk, you must first step outside of it. The key to stepping outside your current self talk is simply being aware of your inner space. In other words, learning to see clearly what goes on inside your own mind, without modulating it. This is where mindfulness meditation comes into play. So, step 1:Be mindful. Start out slow. Sit comfortably. Take a few deep breaths. Now simply sit. Scan your entire body from toe to head. Rest your attention on each part of your body for a second. If you find it challenging, wiggle that body part a bit to get you going. The moment you recognize that instead of resting your attention on some part of your body, you're thinking, simply move your attention back to your body. The skill developed here is in recognizing that you're caught up in thinking, in not beating yourself up over being caught up in thinking, and in moving your attention back to your body. Do this until you've scanned your entire body, from toe to head. Do it twice. You will feel discomfort as your mind tries dominating your experience. When you feel discomfort, simply return your attention to your body. The discomfort is a great sign. It means you're retraining your brain. Step 2. Replace your critical self talk with appreciative and confident self talk. As you become better at watching your thoughts, you realize very soon when an old voice in your head starts saying 'you're not good enough; you'll never amount to anything; you'll always be a loser'. You no longer allow this voice any airtime. You immediately say to yourself 'I have everything I want inside me; I am powerful beyond belief; I am strong and resilient this moment; I can easily crush all the puny challenges that come my way; Especially the challenge of this critical inner voice.' Come up with your own version of a confident internal monologue, and use it as often as you need to. You can use my version if you want to. The key is that our brains respond to words because we've trained ourselves to respond as such. So a simple verbal message that you repeat inside your head, each time your critical inner voice shows up, can have far reaching effects. I'd urge you to try it, since true addiction recovery happens only when our self image heals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here are some verbal counterpoints to your critical self talk. In regular font is the critical self talk. In bold is the counterpoint that you can use. I am a loser. I am powerful and strong, beyond all belief and expectation. You, my critical self talk, are only a habit. Very soon, you will not be a habit. This always happens to me. I always fail. This has happened to me this time, but I am resilient and I find new ways to crush failure. Everytime I fall down, I realize that I have more than enough strength to pick myself up. Oh no, she/he looked at me like that again. I need to change myself, or stand on my head, and I'll like myself again only when I please her/him. So she/he doesn't like me as I am. Oh well. She/he is missing out on the wonderful and absolutely unique piece of the universe that is me. Even when I change myself to please her/him, it is such short term gain. I am happy simply being myself, and loving myself just as I am. Others don't have to like me. I can back myself against the entire world, when I am called to. I feel vulnerable and raw inside. I need to distract myself. That's right. Look at how great it feels to rub my penis. Look at the rack on that brunette. Golly, she's a Victoria's Secret supermodel! I feel vulnerable and raw inside. The need to distract myself arises, but it is a false need. What happens when I follow it? What happens when I look at the rack on that brunette? In the past, has it ended with me having a relationship with that brunette? Does salivating over her digital image ever lead to a relationship with her, laughter with her, love with her? What lies at the end of this road? Semen on a tissue, a tired body, and a deeper feeling of raw hurt on the inside. I am feeding this same raw, vulnerable feeling that I feel inside right this minute, instead of healing it. So what do I do, other than recognize it? Oh yeah, I can simply recognize that I am not that feeling. I am so much more. I can stand in front of the mirror and force a smile for a whole minute. I can stand tall, and think of one major accomplishment in my life, while still being intensely aware of that raw, vulnerable feeling...
Great advice. And yes this site is full of supportive people and ways to fight the addiction. Personally, I find logging into this site everyday and reading and posting comments to be of immense help. I feel like a member of a community and we're all in this together. I think it's easy for porn to be a lonely shameful addiction to have otherwise. Getting support from others is crucial for me.
Hi LittleTitan, Among other things I would stress the need for accountability - it shouldn't be you who discover porn in the history of your husband but he should report it to his accountability partner (e.g. you or the priest). You are now in a difficult situation since men do not usually like pushing and can become defensive. So it is important not to present it negatively as something he cannot do but positively about what each of you can do in order to grow in the true love.
This might sound terrible, but I'm glad I'm not the only Eastern Orthodox person struggling with this addiction. Something your husband might want to try is practicing the Jesus Prayer. I have been saying it in my head constantly when I get urges and it works. A good resource on it is the book "The Way of a Pilgrim". On the technological side, if you use Firefox, there's a free app called leechblock that is absolutely PERFECT. You should definitely give it a look. You can find it here. Basically, its a very powerful blocking app that has saved me many a time. Nothing like it from what I've found on google chrome. NoFap also suggests using K9 web protection. Give that a look as well. God must truly love your husband to give him someone as understanding and supportive as you are. -cras
There is always hope, LittleTitan! I am glad that you guys are fighting and that you are fighting together. Yes, it starts with your husband and he has to be the one fighting this. But it is so awesome that you are at his side, assisting him. You carry this together and so you will win together, by God's grace. Is your husband happy? Does he enjoy life in general? Is he social and does he have friends in church and elsewhere who he can be himself with and talk to about stuff? Being alone and isolated is one of the greatest feeders of porn addictions. Also it engraves itself on such subconscious levels, that sometimes when giving in, an addict's critical thinking is not involved. So don't beat yourself up about this - that you aren't sexy or attractive or good enough or whatever. You can never compete with an addiction - because it is an illusion, and comparing yourself with it is a total waste of time. So focus on the here and the now and keep praying and pushing and doing your best you can to be the support your man will need. If he is here, on this forum, invite him to post in the Accountability section - perhaps he can find some men who have similar struggles and who can he relate to, thereby breaking some of that poisonous isolation and weakening the grip of porn addiction even more. Be blessed!
Thank you, anthrope, for the long and thoughtful reply. I know I've always struggled with being critical of myself, but never thought about it from the addict's perspective. I think we can both begin each morning by telling ourselves in the mirror the truth about our own self-worth to begin the day right. Thanks for the inspiration, and for the links. KrmGrn, thanks for the encouragement about this supportive community. I think it will be helpful. Vision, thanks for the reminder about making this a positive healing experience. It can be easy to want to say lots of negative things about this, but I know that doesn't motivate or encourage him to improve on his past. cras, thank you for reminding us about the Jesus Prayer. We do this on a regular basis during evening prayers, but can always do it more. We've found that fasting (from meat and dairy) along with prayer is extremely helpful. Also, there's praying before the icon of the Inexhaustible Chalice. Don't know if you've heard of it or not, but it's an icon of the Theotokos specifically for those with addictions. There's an Akathist for it and everything. Here's a couple links to the Akathist itself, as well as a group of Orthodox dedicated to the healing of addictions: http://www.orthodoxresearchinstitute.org/resources/services/akathist_inexhaustible_cup.htm http://inexhaustiblecup.org/ Aryangor, thanks for pointing out how the addiction is separate from my husband's love for me. I know this in my head, but it's awfully hard to internalize. I will talk to him about coming on here more for support and accountability. It's been kind of hard for us to meet people our own age who we can relate to (we're in our mid-twenties and it seems like most parents with small kids are a little older, and/or don't have time to hang out because of our families!), so the isolation can be a difficult factor. I guess we don't have close friends, but pretty good friends that we see sometimes. It's just, no one close enough to open up about subjects like this (besides our priest, whom he sees regularly for confession). But yes, generally, he is a very social guy, outgoing, and seems to enjoy life. Never fails to try to make friends when he can. aziz, thanks for the insights about motivation and the practical tips. I've suggested finding a sport—he loves basketball. It's just a matter of finding a local drop-in team or something. Question for anyone: Does working out or playing a sport regularly seem to help? It seems like it would since our bodies and minds are obviously so connected.
LittleTitan, I'm so glad you've found some support and comfort from the people on these forums. That's what this place is all about. Please feel free to come and hang your thoughts here whenever and as often as you need. There are plenty of people in their mid-twenties here (myself included), and many of them are married or in relationships (myself not included ) If you read the journals and various posts here, you'll find that exercise ranks among one of the most common and useful filler/distraction activities. By filler I mean something that replaces the time spent masturbating with something that emulates it in many chemical/physiological/emotional ways, but in a positive and healthy regard. By distraction I mean that exercise requires both physical and mental attention, and often leaves you drained and your steam blown off, so to speak. Tell me something, is your husband actually active on this site, or does he just come here and read? Coming here and absorbing is one thing, creating a journal and actively participating is another. When you actually participate in posting and talking with others or in a journal, you are taking offensive action and pushing the notion of a pmo-free life to the front of your mind (PMO = Porn,masturbation,orgasm). This is much different than just reading and taking a passive stance to the situation because you are engaged--and when you're engaged it's harder to let your guard down and be susceptible.
Thanks for the thoughts, Jalus. He used to be on here a lot more and I think was pretty active, but nowadays he generally isn't on the computer much at all, except to check emails and such every once in a while. It's been very helpful for both of us with me coming on here, though, because now battling PMO is at the forefront of our minds. He sees me trying to find support, and we're realizing how we've both been kind of ignoring the problem to an extent. Now that I've been on here, however, we've been watching some of the Sacred Sexuality Project videos together, and taking a plan of action for accountability. I've been naive by ignoring the problem, thinking (hoping) it wasn't all that bad, and we've both realized how alone we both feel in this struggle. Since I came on here earlier this week, however, we are now working together, me holding him accountable, and really looking forward to some progress. It's much easier to do together than alone. This community has been the impetus for that strategy, so I'm very grateful.
I'm glad you're taking a supportive role, but just a word of caution: having the SO of a fapstronaut be the one holding him or her accountable is not generally recommended. The dynamics of you being sort of the collateral damage of your husband's struggle and how this affects your marriage sexually is somewhat different than if your husband was struggling with say, alcohol or drugs. If he was struggling with drugs, you wouldn't feel validation issues because it wouldn't be something related to your marriage (whereas masturbation seems like a substitution for sexual encounters with you, even though this is not the case!). Even in those contexts, the one holding him accountable should probably be someone who can empathize due to having gone through or currently going through the same situation. So I guess I'm saying, yes, I'm glad you're there for him--I'm jealous even--but I don't think you should be the one to look him in the eyes and ask him where he's at. Finding another guy either in the virtual or real world to do that would be a better scenario. But that's my two cents.
Yeah, that's the difficult thing, and why I'm not totally excited about it. I really appreciate your input, because those are also my concerns and probably why I haven't been asking him much about it in the past. He does have our priest who holds him accountable, so it's not me all alone. However, from his view, since I'm the only one he REALLY doesn't want to admit to if he falls, he says that's extreme motivation to stop. He knows if I'm asking him at the end of every day if he PMO'd or not, he does not want to have to say yes. He's a very honest person so neither of us is concerned about him lying about it. So, I guess we'll be trying that for a while and see if it has any positive effects. But I really am thankful for what you had to say, because that is certainly important to keep in mind.
Lovely to see your progress, LittleTitan! Also you're very welcome; glad to know it helped. On how you begin your morning - that's absolutely right. You're in a very enviable position - once a couple starts to focus on healing self image together, the progress is exponential. Having one other human being confirm your deepest truth leads to an amplification of the entire process. You will experience phenomenal success. Believe it! Stay strong and vigilant!
LT: "He knows if I'm asking him at the end of every day if he PMO'd or not, he does not want to have to say yes. He's a very honest person so neither of us is concerned about him lying about it. So, I guess we'll be trying that for a while and see if it has any positive effects." I also think (as Jalus) that it would be better if your husband had another accountability partners than you - on the other hand if he likes you to be his accountability partner and if you are willing to bear with him this cross then it's OK. In fact, it means that he really loves you and trusts you. It is so very important that he is honest and does not lie to you (for this you need to love him a lot, that's a rare gift). LT: "Question for anyone: Does working out or playing a sport regularly seem to help? It seems like it would since our bodies and minds are obviously so connected." I think regular sport is very helpful (it must be regular). Another good help is meditation (even for Christians - one does not have to be committed to Buddhism).
