transwoman PORN :(

I heard about nofap a few weeks ago and decided to give it a try .. Only today did i join as i realised i wanted help and wanted to have a other people who are on a similar journey and those you move ventured out further in this path towards recovery to help and guide me through the way.
This is my second week in without masturbation and was my second week in with out porn as well up until now when earlier on nofap's reditt site while i was trying to begin my journey - i had decided to search for she male so that i can read up on other people who have stopped watching she male porn but it went into the main reddit.com site and ended up watching a few pictures ! So i had to force myself to stop watching porn again and hence i have decided to leave the reditt site cause i know i ve access to porn there ... goddamn it ! its ok shit happens ... I have decided to repost what i posted there on the nofap main page as this is where i want to continue my journey. Ok now lets get to the embarrasing part; i have been watching she male porn for 7 years now and before that i was watching normal porn since i was in fourth grade ( i remember i got my first computer in 1995 and i have been watching porn professionally ever since , slowly gravitated towards weirder stuff which i won't describe for the sake of not letting my mind loose all over again. ! I used to be into normal porn and finally accidentally i found out she male porn and i was completely sucked in .. I agree with someone who mentioned here about how she male porn is like a blackhole and it will just suck you in. Since there is no more pretending and there is no need to do so on a website that essentially exists to help people with a problem get by and rise above. After the first few weeks of watching she male porn i started to cross dress as well and then finally it turned into some crazy thing and all along i had a drug habit for 11 years and last year i quit drinking, smoking, opium, acid, pot everything. I can honestly tell you that quoting heroin was a lot more easier than quitting porn ! fuck ! But she male porn and cross dressing was still a black cloud over my mind because i love girls and I am not even gay and everyday after i jerk off i sit and wonder why the fuck i was getting off to she male porn. But now life without masturbation certainly has helped me ... without constantly having to tend to it reading more, doing my work with a lot more love, but i am positive that i ll get over it on day maybe it will take a year or two but i have to . in order to function and live a "normal happy" life. Finally now its been a month since i stopped cross dressing, 2 weeks no masturbation, ah and was 2 weeks with out porn up until now ! goddamn it ! But yeah it feels good .. I have masturbated since i was i don't know must be 4th grade .. ever since my buddy bought a porno mag folded up into his bible. Perhaps i am not that far into recovery to actually feel anything different, i do get irritated and angry quite a bit but i calm down a lot quicker and move on. But i certainly get a lot of work done. i down a business plan and will start my business soon So thats weird cause i have put this off for like a year now .. Thankyou for listening ... and i have never mentioned anything personal on the internet ... even my Facebook page doesn't have my real name ... and confessing to a porn addiction and cross dressing is a serious load off my chest. Thankyou and i pray everyone here finds happiness and balance in their life once again. Alright !

 

Wow that question of how i got out of that trap ? I had started meditating a month ago and i started praying as well (since quiting getting high .. i have so much time and energy i have no idea what to do ... I can say the same about Porn and masturbation as well ) I sleep so little now) So it was in one of these meditative states during contemplation exercises. I just separated myself from my mind from me, and realised what a noisy mind i had. I was constantly tending to it and meeting it every requirement without even questioning where this thought was coming from. And when i was walking around i was always very nervous and twitchy ( i thought it was from the drugs but no no i realised it was the cross dressing and she male addiction because one day i was walking around and in the mirror glass on the sidewalk i could see my transformed self) Even though i loved the idea of it .. i realised at that point that i really wasn't that person no matter how much i liked it .. it was just an imagination and mind i let free. <br><br> NoFap wasn't a decision it just happened naturally while i tried to gain more control over myself ... i accidentally discovered this website cause i hadn't masturbated for 2 weeks and i wanted to feel good about myself and so i googled in "The Benefits of Not Masturbating". <br><br> So here i am now opening up. <br><br>It got to the point that i wanted to put on makeup and jerk off all the time ... i got a brilliant opportunity to do a solo exhibition i blew it because of this !! It wasn't this bad i was a functioning addict when i was say in college and school, cause i was always quite well known, had plenty of friends, and just really got along with anyone. And on some days i didn't have time going to parties but even if i didn't watch porn that much i was just as happy jerking off once in a while. Things started go wrong when i found some humiliation porn, JOI and sissy humiliation and she male porn. This is where i hit the ground. And after a week into it i was wearing my sister clothes and then i would blow cash to buy good girl clothes as well. Its not like i wanted to dress up all the time. i would dress up only to watch porn and after jerking off i would feel so shitty i can't even describe it, and most of the time i would just take the clothes and throw it out in the dumb. Sometimes brand new things, and as you can imagine womens clothes, pantyhose and underwear are expensive. <br> And since i have quite an addictive personality i stayed right there for many many years and indulged in a shit lot of drugs and alcohol. And slowly i cut the friends out of my life, i was moving quite erratically unable to have any real relationship and every friendship i had i broke up and the ones i would make i would cut it off in a month or two.<br><br> Realising that i was all alone and had no one and looking at all the mental and physical damage i had done to myself. I thought if i didn't stop this now i will never be a happy person and even though my mind kept denying it .. and it still does tell me to get into some girly clothes and watch some porn. And even after two weeks i caught my mind telling me " good job without the masturbation now give yourself a little treat watch a few pictures and zoo many times i do google in " but i just get up and go sit around people to shut my mind off. So here i am 27 years old and i want to be happy free from the unhealthy thoughts preoccupation of desire and sexual fantasy. and want to be back on track and do all my projects which i put on hold for 7 years. Thankyou manolo and hostage for the response. How are your journeys going ? Happiness and peace to you all. x

 

What changed two weeks ago so that i got myself out of that trap?

There were a couple of reasons .. 1) i was miserable, then one day i thought about how many times i may have masturbated ( i have been masturbating since fourth grade - 27 year old) after being done with two miserable year obsession with sissy humiliation, transexual porn. And even though i have always asked myself why i was doing this, i would move quite fast and blend back into my normal activity.

The real change came about after i started to meditate and pray, it helped me to gain clarity and under myself & my mind after a month of meditation and contemplation. And realising how noisy my mind was … Separating my noisy mind from myself had played a key role in reaching where i am today. Not very far but i have never stayed without masturbation for more than 3 days or something in my life. I started watching she male porn after i saw a couple of transexuals while i was out with my friends. I thought it was fantastic they were in this dream world and i was young around (10 years ago) 17 and i was loaded on drugs and alcohol. I never felt like a girl or anything but i did feel that this would improve my experience of masturbation, so i went back home put on my sisters clothes and from then on i did that almost every single day, i even used to spend a lot of money buying girly clothes and every week or so i would get so upset and ashamed that i would take all these clothes tear them out and throw em out. But i never realised how much of a role Porn played in me getting back into the habit and i would then go on that shitty road again, buying more clothes, doing more drugs to numb the feeling, watching more porn. Cutting out everyone out of my life and eventually travelling excessively without really wanting to connect with anyone, moving moving. And then now 27 years old .. I have realised if i go on like this i will be one day fall apart and never be able to get back up. and realised the only way i can be happy is to shut my mind … and gain control over my mind rather than the other way round. Always rushing out to meet its every need of pleasure, sexual fantasy, cross dressing, drugs and other destructive behaviour. all i had to do was ask myself why do i continue to do that which makes me so unhappy when i have a choice to stop. And i was looking back into the days when i had a lot of friends, i was popular and i got along with everyone , never fought, partied a lot etc. and slowly it turned into a nightmare. i still have thoughts even now .. but i am trying very hard to shut it off. Earlier today i caught my mind telling me to treat yourself to some mild porn you deserve it …. after all you haven’t masturbated for two weeks .. and so i would google in but immediately shut it down and go sit around people. But only yesterday i decided i needed some positive reassurance and i searched for “the benefits of abstaining from masturbation” and here i am ! Thankyou hostage and manola for replying. Hope you are both doing well in your journey towards freeing and training your mind.

 

kkbrighton i am sorry i am new here what is PI ED ? I suppose ED means erectile dysfunction. i am perhaps lucky even after all these years of jerking off i can still get a good erection. thank god for that. I never had any problem getting hard to real women / women porn either. But i don't sit through the whole thing .. i usually just click on the next link while i am doing that. I would feel quite bad about watching women because i really like women and thats why i switched to she male porn because at least at first when i got into it i thought it was a bunch of men who loved women so much that they dressed up and behaved that way. Obviously i was wrong there was a lot more happening. The sexual problems that has surfaced due to the she male sissy porn and Jerk off instruction porn and the submissive stuff in my case as far i can understand has been that i had fantasies about being in that situation and feeling the need to constantly dress up whenever you were alone and look at porn. And when i was with women i nervous would be embarrassed about my cross dressing and fascination with she males.More importantly it has disturbed me on an existential level questioning who i was and the image that my cross dressing and she male porn instilled within me.

Its important that when i do fantasise on my own without any porn .. i am usually with women doing normal things. But every now and then i am in submissive states but never once did i feel that my penis was not needed, its all about cumming once i was done with that, i would switch myself to another state of mind ... infact right after ejaculation within a minute i would hurry, remove the clothes i was in, make up or whatever else within seconds close everything and have a bath and live normally and forget all about it .. So i can't relate to what you said there but i suppose there are people are effected by she male porn that way.

I read in some Vedic texts i own about how one drop of sperm in essence equals to 80 drops of blood. and when i thought of all that cum i squeezed out of my system. ah thats quite similar to what einstein expressed through his pollution analogy. Since i already understand the nature of addiction quite well having already dealt with one serious addiction ... I know there is no slow withdrawal. Just stopping it all at once has helped really separate the fantasy, desire, love and which parts of the mind they come from.

Thankyou for the helpful response hiroki and kkbrighton. Enjoy and take care brothers.

 

Thankyou progressivedeathmettle and shakti .. for the advise ... i think it has been really helpful .. and i just woke up now .. there is a clear difference in my state of mind. My dreams are so vivid now ... and i am an artist working towards an exhibition .. i get so much work done ... its a bit hard to cross my legs so i had to get underwear's instead of boxer shorts .. so thats helpful Thankyou .. I think i shouldn't take it step by step but rather just push porn off all together .. i do find myself constantly searching for she male porn and looking up the implications of cross dressing from a religious point of view as a form of therapy or sometimes justify it. Because every now and then i do feel the need to cross dress, but pushing that one side. I have been getting newer more simpler thoughts like going to the mall and asking those girls who stand there selling patented miracle belly loss formulae to chubby people out to a movie. No where close to do that, because yesterday i was walking and this girl approached me with her patented miracle belly loss formulae and i just walked around the pillar. so haha i ve always been very shy and i need help pertaining shyness and general social awkwardness. I can be extremely funny so i ve never had any serious problems. but with the drugs i am never nervous and the inferiority complex has as a result increased .. whenever i see a girl i think oh she is just too good for me ... ah i suppose when i was young girls used to chase me and i would just fight cause i would put them up on a level of goddesses. My first girlfriend had to almost rape (good rape not that bad kind of rape) me cause i was so shy and felt unworthy. But then i cummed in her mouth and left her and it took me 3 years to approach another one. and that ended up worse than that ... so yes ! thank you hope you re all doing well ... kkbrighton hope things are good for you as well.