What's your definition of infidelity ?

Main
Other women
Massage parlours
Prostitutes

Not great but not cheating
Partner M you while you porn fantasise about kinky / depraved / porn memory
Sex with partner while you porn fantasise about kinky / depraved / porn memory

All men can do it sometimes (but not cheating)
Ogling women (but best not to add porn imaginations)while you porn fantasise about kinky / depraved / porn memory
Harmless flirting (where sex is not the goal)
chivalry (opening doors, helping a pretty woman who's dropped something pick it up)
Complimenting other women on their looks (where sex is not the goal)

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Some of the stuff lower down above I think is OK IMHO but going by some of the SO / wives posting here it might get them sent straight back to the doghouse.

I think men and women should be allowed SOME leeway to behave differently with the opposite sex when their partners aren't around (like women gathering by a window in an office to ogle at handsome firemen or the "cute" repair guy fixing the elevator etc)

 

@Never_again87 Congratulations on realizing these things. I don't push my view of cheating on anyone but I don't have a black and white idea of cheating of "I didn't have sex it's not cheating"

I believe cheating is anything that you know would hurt your partner/your partner would disapprove of. AKA Anything you have to hide from your partner is cheating them in some way. (You can cheat someone physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.) Also, a final note on my view/definintion of cheating, is that whichever partner says they are not okay with something, that is the person who is in the right and is to be respected.

For instance, I have a best guy friend who got me through a very tough time (kept me safe emotionally and physically allowing myself to stay with him when I thought being at my home was dangerous because I feared a former boyfriend coming to my home with a gun). I have a strong bond with this guy friend (we once made out but stayed friends). My fiance told me that he sometimes is uncomfortable with finding out after the fact that I've texted that friend. So I now ask my fiance or let him know that I want to text that friend, and jealousy the context of what/why I am texting him, to alleviate the anxiety/jealousty. If I text this friend without my fiance knowing, and weeks later he finds a long text thread, I have cheated my fiance. I originally thought that it was stupid that he felt insecure because I personally know he has nothing to worry about, but because he feels uncomfortable, I shifted my standard to his to respect his feelings, so I don't text my guy friend without letting him know now. It has really helped and alleviated stress around that friendship I have.

I am sure that you talked with your wife about your addiction, and if she feels it's cheating then it's cheating, and for you to also feel it's cheating is a good step forward, and a good step towards reconnecting and rebuilding with your wife.

It took my partner a long time to admit he cheated (he knew prior to getting in a relationship with me that porn was not allowed in our relationship). The fact that it took him so long to realize hurt, and held us back from moving forward.

So, congratulations on all your efforts towards recovery, and also respecting your wife and her feelings.

 

It´s the act of hiding something from your SO, because you know they will not be okay with it. This can be very different from person to person. As long as you admit your mistakes and really regret them and make amends, you can not cheat on anyone. It´s the act of hiding it that makes it so much worse.

 

If you have to lie about it, cover it up, delete it, are ashamed of it, wouldn't do it next to your partner, say I don't know when asked about it, then .. It's simple.
You shouldnt be doing it.

That's MY definition of cheating.

But.
Me and my SO believe in total transparency.

 

Anything involving lies or hiding things

 

I think that depends on the specific couple. Hence, I think an honest conversation is the best way to figure that out. My last boyfriend and I were very open about our porn use. We were fine with each other using it separately or together. We said that a three-way was a real possibility if we found the right guy. We also agreed to keep things closed with a couple of extremely high-pathetical exceptions (like sexual favors for career advancement kind of stuff).

I don't know that total transparency is the way to go because sharing each passive thought could be a road to unnecessary fighting about stuff that a person would never act on (e.g. sharing things like "That person looks like a hotter version of you" or "I had a sex dream about my coworker last night").

I think it comes down to when you are actively conducting yourself in an intimate way with another person (or representation of a person) that you haven't discussed. I think most of us know can recognize when this is happening. However, some people easily rationalize it or just having much less stringent standards than their partner, so I think a conversation from the start is important.

 

Yes, because total transparency does not mean me tell each other Every little thought that floats through our heads.... Which is where alot of people are like aaaaahhhhh... No.
Does me, however, we defined it between us.
From when the coworkers flirt too much, or sharing certain details without hesitation and prejudice.
Again, not for everyone.
And people are quick to anger in general.
You have to trust your relationship.
Keep in mind that I'm still saying this as a SO.
Everyone is different.
They have different definitions of infidelity.
If alot more people Difined P as infidelity, then it would at least change the conversations.
Most people don't know their boundaries until After.
That's something we should all know, going in. (to a relationship - any relationship)
Just my opinion.

 

My definition of infidelity is doing something sneaky behind your back.

 

Ditto

 

If you have to ask if it’s cheating chances are it is and if you are not sure then ask your partner. It’s better to have he or she say no than not say anything and have the partner find out on their own and they do consider it cheating. I think if people live by this mantra they will avoid a lot of pain.

 

Absolutely this too!

 

Anything you wouldn't do with me right there with you.

 

My command of English isn't great. What did you mean? Is there a comma missing?..

 

I just meant that I define infidelity as anything you wouldn't do if your partner was right there with you, seeing exactly what you were doing.