How to deal with Ghosting or Ostracism.

My major personal experiences

So I want to say I have had quite a bit of experience from both sides of the equation and I've studied psych quite a bit.

In UNI 2009 I minored in psych coincidentally which is where I met what would be my best friend for a year. Long story short we got very close. She was very pretty. She flirted with me often and people called her my wife cuz we were never apart. She often mentioned she had a bf but i'd spent months seeing or communicating with her every waking moments and not heard / seen this guy.

It wasnt uncommon for girls to make up bf's as protection in my experience and she stopped mentioning him and all the while i told myself do not get sucked in, she is way out of ur league. Eventually tho she broke my defences and I started to fall for her then ofc her BF showed back up probably cuz he realized he might lose her and she seemed paranoid/ashamed of what he would do or say ( bf was a police officer apparently) so she ostracized me... prob for my own protection lol or maybe it was just shame.

Point is it broke me. I couldnt focus in class, i started getting panic attacks, i stopped going. Its very traumatizing to lose ur favorite person prob ever and not know why or have control over it. Anyway so I had to deal with that and then in the future my next real serious gf. She cheated on me, I forgive her and then she did it again and then i ghosted her. And she stalked me ... and i kept ghosting her. This was maybe 2011

So with ghosting by the way often the person is too insecure or not assertive enough to deal with the situation upfront and be honest. Some people just have issues or complexes. Others actually want to deal with it, they just do not know how. So if its a relatively nice person u need to meet em half way if u truly care.

Why it hurts so much

So okay when u look at ghosting or ostracism one of the reasons it hurts so bad is because its a form of rejection. And psychologically most humans do not have many tools to deal with rejection well. The people that deal with it remotely well often have large egos that redirect the pain/rationalization unto other women or society itself.

Another thing is that its very primal and built into us. Exclusion from the tribe, even one woman hurts a lot because evolution wise that often meant less shelter, less food , more danger, loneliness etc. Being rejected by the opposite sex is a subtle way of them stating that they do not find u to be a suitable mate. That hits a huge for humans who put a lot of emotion on their ability to love/reproduce whether they should or not is another conversation.

Something else i mentioned is that if u really liked that person a huge part of the pain as well is that u lost someone. they might as well be dead basically.

And then one of the worst parts is not really understanding why it happened. If u know the reason then u can work on it , accept it or adequately torture urself for it. But when u dont know for sure it eats at u. Its unnameable and huge. The possibilities choke u.

How to deal with it

Well the first thing you need to do is acknowledge that as a average person. Especially someone who is young and trying to better themselves, that it is very likely u lack the tools inherently to deal with it well. Being aware of this and then seeking out the information removes u from that state of panic and confusing. Imagine a snake bit then retreats into a corner. U dont know if it was poisonous or not, how strong the venom is etc. U need to separate urself from the situation. Get away from the snake, u may feel like u should try to kill the snake but a second bite might deliver the last bit of venom to kill u and even if u battle it and kill it, the venom could kill u in the mean time. U dont panic and cry or get into a further fight with the snake.

Treat this the same way in that the first thing u need to do is stop trying to engage that person, step back, don't be emotional and figure out exactly what's happening.

Once u are patched up, not in imminent danger, calm. U have figured out the snake isnt venomous or the type of snake etc by talking to ur knowledgeable friends or experts or the internet ( hi im a guy on the internet giving u what seems to be good advice). Then u need to remove the metaphorical snake. If ur still weak or ur too scared to do it urself. Ask someone to help u. Ask a mutual friend if they know why they may not be talking to u. Or educate urself on snakes, if u did something wrong to potentially get bit and now u know not to do it again. But luckily we arent talkin about snakes, we are talking about humans. Often Confrontation wont kill u.

So lets get into the reasonable options on how to deal with ghosting.

I don't encourage u to ostracize back because u shouldnt practice doing that to others, sometimes even if they did it to u first. U wanna be above it but at some levels of growth depending on the social situation, the right answer is just to do what they are doing. Sometimes the ridiculousness of how they are acting becomes apparent to em.

4. Move on/Accept that you may never know and that might be better Sometimes its frustrating but it might be best to not know why. Often even if u confront em they may panic and lie out of their own shame by pointing out something about u that isnt a real flaw or at least not as big as a flaw as it is to other ppl. If u get constructive truth that might be hard to deal with then thats great but u have to be aware WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO. Is it even someone worth chasing or did u build em up in ur head. Do u want to be with someone who ostracized u? If u asked this person how u could improve or whatever. Would they give u the right answer? Often people take this opportunity to soothe their own ego to make others feel worse and themselves better.
"I was a pssy and i ghosted u instead of dealing with it and u have forced me to deal with it so I will let some emotions out on u and make u paranoid about things."
Cuz someone who ghosts u without an adult conversation U NEED TO UNDERSTAND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS.

Like when i ghosted my gf back then, I was very clear with her. If u cheat on me again our relationship is over and ive no interest being friends with u. She knew what would happen and she did it and I was like okay why keep communicating with a cheater.

Anyway ...

Why do people ghost / ostracize anyway?

Well for some ppl they want to hurt u. Silence can be violence. They can't hit u so they do the next best things. Its a form of silent treatment.

Often tho especially women, its done as a form of control. They are controlling the situation or putting it on pause until they are ready to deal with again. If that confuses u or they will deal with it never then its tough luck.

Sometimes ostracism or ghosting was done to them often enough by someone they once cared about and they adapted the weapon into their arsenal.

In most cases though its often because the person wants to avoid confrontation because they are too immature or scared or do not want to admit their own shortcomings so they just dont deal with it.

Sometimes ghosting can be deserved. Like if u really did hurt someone btw, ghosting might be the only way they can deal with it , without causing real damage to u or themselves.

Ghosting and dating

If ur dating / in relationship with someone. Give em a lil space but if u dont know why ideally confront. And if u do know why or u ahve ur doubts about their character. LEAVE THEM ALONE. Something my and my psychologist friend often talk about is that SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM THEMSELVES. Sometimes ghosting is a mercy. Some people are aware u cannot deal with their issues/problems even if they seem perfect on the surface.

Did I get any resolution on my ghost/ostracism experiences?

So obviously over my life ive been ghosted by more women than that ofc. But in the first case. There is this quote that always makes me think of that experience.



Because of that situation and how depressed I got. I got a real passion and indepth understanding of psychology and mental health. I met amazing people dealing etc. In the future i did speak to her 2 years ago. She was really happy to hear from me. Without me saying much she instantly apologized about who she was at that age and basically admitted unprompted that she was dealing with depression etc. We made plans but she never followed through. She apologized for that too. I think she expected a tongue lashing from me. I just thanked her for being my friend at that time in my life and that I was here if she needed me. I think on some level she really wanted it as if she knew she deserved it. There is a difference between using strength to confront compared to using it to exact revenge.

I could have said other things to her but I was enlightened enough to just wish her well. At the moment shes nice and pretty on the outside but on the inside shes depressed,anxious, promiscuous and addicted to marijuana. And I smoke weed once in a while but I have friends who rely on it or it has sent em crazy.

Anyway my ex gf. She had a daughter. I spoke to her a few years later. I called her after about a year of realizing she stopped stalking me. its sorta like that season in Two and a Half men where rose stops stalking Charlie Sheen and he gets concerned since he hadnt heard from her in a while lol ...

Yah this thread is long enough now. If you are dealing with a ghosting situation presently or ur still dealing with the trauma from it ... don't let it fester inside. Understand it and get stronger or get some help. U do not want it to destroy ur confidence, dating life, idea of the opposite sex or anything like that.

I also want to say a pattern I see on Nofap.

Not all ghosting/rejection is true rejection. I've seen guys confess to girls that have a boyfriend or arent currently dating or are too far away etc. You cannot feel ghosted or rejected if u are to blame like u hit on a girl that has a bf and u were too stupid to find that out first.

That's not ghosting, thats im being loyal to my bf and i dont want him to see this text and beat ur ass.

Sometimes women often do not have the tools to reject a perfectly nice guy as well so they just ghost. Try not to take all ghosting or rejection super personally. Just always focus on growing yourself and u will attract the right people.

 

Only just saw ur post. I try to share on reddit but it often gets buried after a handful of ppl upvote it. Feel free to share it though.