Want to save my marriage

Hello all!

I try again to quit pmo and sharing my story is part of the process.
Last September I admitted to my wife that problems in our relationship arises from the fact that I am a porn addict.
I heard the term "porn addict" first time abut 10 years ago but I didn't take it seriously or at least I didn't see myself as one.

I've been watching porn since 2001 when I was 18yo. Those were vhs-tapes and dvds. In 2004 I finally got my own pc and that opened a much more stimulating world of porn.
2-3 hour porn watching sessions were part of my more or less single life in 2004 to 2009. Pmo was easy way to avoid difficult feelings like anxiety and loneliness.
When I met my wife in 2009 and moved together was so romantic and new and exiting life for me and there was much less room for my addiction.

Slowly pmo started to creep into our marriage. Me and my wife both have codependent behaviour patterns and thinking and this caused some problems in our relationship. This caused anxiety and nervousness in me. Naturally good ol' self -medication choice for me was pmo.

I haven't seen anything bad in porn since teen years. "Everybody is doing it" was my opinion. Only in rare cases I was questioning my 3 hour porn marathons. Those cases I regretted the missing time my sessions caused. I usually waited to be left alone in our house so I could watch porn. This was done in secrecy. I never told my wife what I was doing. Or at least I didn't mention about it when my wife asked what I was doing alone.

Things get worse in 2013 when I got my smartphone. That enabled me to watch porn anytime anywhere. My taste of genres moved towards more hardcover and twisted.I also started to objectify women as sex objects. I started to use my coworkers and wife's friends and sher sister as pmo material. Then I started to plan cheating her with a live person because porn wasn't enough anymore.

During this time I didn't understand or wanted to what was wrong but I noticed that I had become unhappy. Many interesting things and subjects lost their meaning to me. I have been an passionate artist and I lost my passion. Talking to people was boring and my whole attitude towards life was quite indifferent. I was thinking that our codependency caused problems and that's why I was unhappy and low.
Only sleeping and pmo were motivating things to do.

Last summer I accidentally found nofap videos at youtube. They introduced the whole porn/sex addiction concept to me an science behind it. My symptoms and feelings and hidden double life were too much to deny anymore.

My wife had noticed a change in my. My lost of appetite to have sex with her and my overall bad attitude. She had started to suspect that I was having an affair or maybe I was gay.

Of course she confronted me with these issues and I was assuring that everything was OK.
I even blamed her that she wasn't as attractive as she was when we met and that was the reason for not wanting to have a sex with her. I said this to protect my addiction.

In september 2017 I couldn't keep secrets inside me anymore. I was unhappy and so was she so I admitted what was going on. I told everything. At first it was a big relief for my wife because thing got an clear explanation. On a second thought she was shocked. My years of lying and double life and choosing porn and her friends over her was a huge shock for her. She didn't know who I was after this double life.

Somehow we manged to get over the first shock and I wanted to quit pmo. I took a part at 12 steps of sex addicts anonymous and started to work with the program. And things seemed to start to work out.

I decided to take a hard mode in rebooting. After 3 weeks I relapsed twice. First I looked a very provocative thumbnail in youtube. This caused a fight with my wife because it wasnt an accident. I wanted look at it in a addicted manner. We didn't make peace in that night and I relapse by masturbating caused by anxiety and by being angry to my wife. I acted accusatively because she wouldn't let it go.

Next day I cofessed this and it was a new shock for her. This time we made a peace after hours of talking.

Few weeks went by and after a new unsolved fight I relapsed. This time I didn't dare to confess to herr because my last relapse was so devastating to her and I promised not to ever again relapse.

This lying and secrecy have since made it easy to justify to relapse during our fights. These relapses have included porn watching and oogling and objectification of women. So I continued my double life for the last 8 months.

My wife have suspected that I may have been relapsed but I denied the truth everytime.
This secrecy and lying have spawned and inner shame and guild which have emerged as an anger everytime if my wife have started to talk about porn addiction and how she have been hurt and my job is to help her heal. I haven't done that because I was too busy with my double life and fear of being caught.

I have had moral issues with this because I haven't pmo'd as much as usual and I have seen the difference in the quality of my life. Ihave pmo'd 20-30 times in last 8 months. 4 times without porn in other stressfull situations than in fight with my wife. Rest of the relapses are caused by the dreadfull feeling when we fight.

Even though my regular relapses,(relapsing once to five times in each 1-2weeks sometimes with porn) have changed my brain chemistry enough to make me see the difference. I have started to enjoy life in a different way. Between our fights when I'm living in harmony with my wife I simply have no urges to pmo. Those urges feels so distant. But when things start to get diffucult and I start to feel guilty and like I'm a bad guy, I feel like my only option is to pmo to escape those difficult feelings.

Anyway our relationship haven't been fixed during past 8 months. We've been fighting regularly and that's because I haven't been there for my wife to comfort her and help her to recover from her betrayal trauma I have caused with my addiction. She have been suspecting that my anger may be caused by the possibility that I have relapsed. Her suspicions were strengthened in here nofap forum when other people in SO threads told her that this actually may be the case.

Yesterday she told me about her frustration how she believes me that I haven't relapsed but she wants so much to be sure. She wants facts, not just something to believe or not. She told me that this uncertainty won't give her a peace of mind. She told me that if there is some kind of kind hearted spark in my soul that could give in an tell the truth then at least she would have something to actually work with.

This was too much for me and I told her everything.

Of course this was horrible disappointment to her. I've been masterfully lied to her past 8 months and continued my addictive behaviour. During this time she have worked her ass of to make our relationship work. She have tried different approaches to talk to me and she have been nice and supportive to me. And this was my thanks for her.

Personally I am grateful that I told the truth, because now we can start from the beginning. All this secrecy and shame and guild have kept me from growing. Childish lying and backboneless way to handle things have caused more trouble between us than before.

I don't want to lie to my wife any more. I want to be a 100% truthfully. We agreed that I take a part to a lie detection test to proof my honest plans and that I've been sober. I want to change my life completely. It is going to be a hard work and abstaining from addictive behavior is only a part of full recovery. I have to deeply understand the psychology of my intimacy issues and sexual addiction (roots are in my childhood's abandonment issues) and create a healthier ways to cope stress and anxiety. This time I have to dedicate enormous amount of love and time for my wife and her broken heart to create a new honest and respectful relationship for us. This is because 8 months ago it was all about me my addiction and how I was such a victim. There were no room for my wife's feelings.

There are going to be a lot of issues and hard feelings but I am ready. I keep journaling in here nofap and start working g from scratch with my 12 steps. I am also going to visit regularly a therapist who can clear things with my issues. I also visit a therapist for couples with my wife. Actually we were today visiting such a therapist and it was encouraging experience, because she seemed to understand our issues and managed to ask right kind of questions. It felt safe and good place to work these issues.

I also need and accountability partner from here nofap. I have a accountability partners from sex addicts anonymous too but I have a need for a online partner. Some things are just easier to express by writing and faceless.

I am ready to do everything it needs to be done to get rid of my addiction and to live a healthy and fulfilling life with my precious wife.

 

Thank you @TryingHard2Change , @Ridley and @GhostWriter for comments. You gave a heart warming welcome. It is kind a amusing that it's not hard to connect the dots between me and my wife.

Thank you for straight and honest comments about the nature of PA. I noticed about myself how intimadating all this hard work feels to me. It really is a matter of learning new good habits,not just staying away from porn and other addictive habits.
I have to be honest with you. All this feels very overwhelming. There really is no easy way to fix the things nor possibility to "take a vacation". Or there is but the price is too much!

These kind of attitudes toward hardships have plagued me very long time. Espacism from life's downs is one reason of my PA.

I learned in 12 steps that if there is no emotional resonance in the taking the first step (admitting there is a problem),then there is no actual step being made. I felt this overwhelming and on some level depressing feeling today when me and my wife started to set goals and boundaries to my addiction and what is necessary to me to do to get things straight.

We set boundaries in last September, and I tried to follow them. Unfortunately my mindset was that "if I stay sober all my sins are forgiven". No need to worry about my wife or our relationship, they will fix themselves as long I stay sober. I had an victim attitude.
I was thinking that "oh, pity and understand poor me. I was unaware about the dangers of Internet porn. It is unfair to judge me. Isn't that enough that I don't do it anymore?" This kind of attitude have kept me not to do my best in 100%. Not my fault, not my responsibility.

This kind of thinking is quite hardly rooted on me. Today my wife wanted to know do I have a way or method or idea to replace my PMO urges. I didn't take a part to that conversation fully because it was morning and we had discussed about these things almost whole yesterday. I was thinking that It's too early. I don't have answers right now. I felt frustrated. Well this attitude was clear as a day like and it was upsetting to my wife. Yesterday I was all ears to her and we both were happy. Today her worries were less important than my morning coffee ritual.

Well I snapped out from my shitty attitude and owned it to her after watching Help her heal-video, but it clearly demonstrated how immature and unemphatetic my mind is. Only two days ago my wife was again devastated because of my lying and double life. And now I started to give myself rights not to do everything it takes.

We made a deal about rules and goals that I follow through rebooting and rest of my life. I make a thread about these rules at self improvement section and everytime I break these rules or behave badly I write down what happened and why, why it is bad for our relationship and what I can do about it now. This is a one way to handle my bad attitude and learn healthier ways to cope arguments and difficult situations. This is very important because PMO is a way to escape difficult emotions of situations where difficult emotions arise. I haven't learnt healthy and mature ways to handle my feelings or learned that it is my responsibility to put boundaries on how people treat me or express my needs. All these are problems stems from my codependency thinking and belong under different thread.

We also made an acting out-list. It contains all things I'm not allowed to do and things I must do, like No PMO, no watching provocative pictures, no facebook pictures, no oogling, no fantasizing etc. Also we made a clear rules of things I can watch at youtube. All google filters and WiFi settings are going to be taken on use. Even though I find these limitations fair and honest and useful way to limit possible unsuitable materials, I couldn't help myself thinking that "Gosh, I'm a grown man. These limitations are embarrassing". But then I understood that I have been reckless and untrustworthy like a child. So the rules and limitations are for my own good.

It is interesting and eerie to notice that there is like 2 sides on me. Other is good and we'll meaning, but also needy and scared. Other is selfish and independent and hates every other, especially my good side and all of it's weaknesses.
I'very been told about growing up storis about people who integrated two sor more sides of their dissociated personality into a much healthier whole. At first they didn't know that something was wrong with them and this is not a surprise, how you can think of a problem if one is not aware of it? Same is true with me. For years I was PMOing and I barely was thinking is this entirely OK. All bad feelings and troubles were supressed without even thinking is this normal. Or is there any other way to handle feelings and problems?

I have to say that during past 8 months I haven't heard my addicted mind scearming silently help as much as during these two days.

 

Thank you again for encouraging words. I have to admit @GhostWriter that this "tough love" way you say things is both shaking but also full of wisdom. I find this very refreshing, because usually people other than my wife sometimes are not this straight.

Addictions are complicated and we addicts are were cunning people. This no BS way to say how things are limits my way to make excuses and way to understand things "accidentally" wrong. Simple and straight guidelines on a complex topic.

Yeah, I have an attitude that I have to do something to fix my wife. This attitude rises from codependency and from guilt of what I have done. Actually I have had this "something is need to be done"-attitude. I have made horrible things and I want to fix them quickly. Or even better I want to forget them. Or to travel in time to undo what I have done.

I understand that we both have to work on our own sides and our own issues.This article gave more understanding about this: http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-induced-partner-trauma/

Many times I felt that I wish I could live in a monastery, so I could only concentrate only to heal myself. Facing my wife's issues felt so overwhelming. Many times facing my wife's pain actually triggered all kind of urges to relapse. (Is this familiar to anyone?)
This attitude clearly demonstrated how I misurderstood my real responsibilities to get rid of my addiction.

Today I went to work after two days off. I noticed that I barely wanted to go to work. I would liked to stay home with my wife talking about our issues and ranting about my addiction here in nofap. Going to work felt like a waste of time. I understand that I am just shaken again and want to hurry things to be OK again. Concentrating only on one aspect of life (no matter how important it is) is always unhealthy way to handle things. I managed to calm myself and started to concentrate to do my duties.

Funny enough, when I arrived home, I didn't have right kind of attitude to talk with my wife about the goals I should take during my recovery. First I don't want to go to work and when I'm home I'm not ready to talk about things I so much desired. Well this bad attitude was fixed with a method I posted at self improvement section.https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/respecting-her-boundaries-journal.174492/

Right now I feel like I should do so much. Handle my codependency issues. Study porn and sex addiction, work with 12 steps. Keeping all these things in my mind and trying to be better than what I was yesterday etc.etc. Not to forgetting all normal daily routines.

Last September in 12 steps meetings people said how time has passed slowly after the D-day. I have to agree. Time flies when we are having fun. Thinking these-sometimes unpleasant-matters robs attention and it is no wonder that I want to be already "there".
In Help Her Heal-video Dr Weiss suggests to commit one year for being patient. That is lot to ask for a guy like me, who usually avoids unpleasant things. Of course I'm in but the phrase one step at time surely have a deeper meaning to me now.

I have to admit that I do not completely comprehend how badly my betrayal have hurt my wife. Today I told her in uplifting tone how I had a much more cofident attitude at work because I don't hide my relapse anymore. I saw on her face how inconsiderate I was. She just said "good for you". Fact that I was even thinking about this so cheerfully and forgetting her 300 lbs gorillz at her back just demonstrated how egocentric I am. And how could I've been any different yet? I've been sober only a week and I have done only two days a little bit higher quality mental work than ever before in my life. Long road and lot to learn

 

Okay. Here are my goals. They work as a guidelines in my recovery from porn addiction and codependency. I try to think about them as a way of life, not just a periods in my life. I have to admit that last few days I've been waiting for a some kind of moment in the future. A moment when all this is finished. That I don't have to think about porn addiction and personal growth. Something like graduating from school. I have also noticed that I have felt certain kind of emptiness or losing something for good. Porn is not going to be a part of my life anymore. Feeling of uncertainty starts to creep in. Porn have been always something truly reliable to me. Always fun, always there and all mine. Quite easy.

Here are my goals:

Fixing my attitude in following areas.

-Work: I have sailed from different work to other and complained always how unsatisfying the work is or how low the payment is. Work is good thing. It gives me daily routines and makes free time feel more precious. Even mundane work feels satisfying when I do it with care.

-My wife. My wife have had different kind of roles for me. Sometimes she is like my shrink. Sometimes a mother or teacher. Sometimes a cute little critter. These are my attitudes towards her. My goal is to see her as a my equal, a woman and a wife, living creature who have feelings, fears and dreams.

-Other people. I have divided people into two categories:friends or enemies. Rather than getting to know people I have had very shallow way to know them and to understand them. I have been very biased, which in turn have kept me been less genuine and honest. My goal is to understand different people and their backgrounds, rather than statistics who are either good or bad.

-Taking responsibility of my own life. I have always blamed other people or situations or whatever of my misery. I often dwell in self pity and carry grudge towards the world. In reality shit happens and it is my responsibility to make things work in my own life. I have to learn to make lemonade from lmons. So I stop complaining and accusing others than myself.

Quitting PMO for good.
-I learn new and healthier ways and habits to handle my emotions and difficult situations in life. I won't suppress my emotions anymore and learn to accept myself as a valid and beautiful human being.

Stop codependent thinking and behavior.
-I have childish ways to relate and behave around people. Finding acceptance and living through their validation. I learn to trust my opinions and feelings and set healthy boundaries to myself.

In practice following needs to be done regularly:
-Therapy sessions sor me and my wife. Together and separate (me)
-Taking part to meetings of Sex Addicts Anonymous
-Working with my 12 steps to recovery
-Active, everyday processing about my life and addiction and my relationship
-Doing everyday Hal Elrod's miracle morning ritual (a very good way to start a day)
-Absorbing information about sex/porn addiction and codependency and marriage dynamics.

All these goals are taken into account in my self improvement journal, when I have broken boundaries my wife have set to me.

 

Yes, I am aware of this. My problem have been this kind of all or nothing attitude. If I fail once, I dont bother to try again. I have had a very fixed mindset!

Thank you for encouraging!

 

Me and my SO are having an in house separation. We had a fight last weekend and I crossed several times her boundaries and acted very badly.

All started from my codependent acting out. I woke up in a bad mood and I was nervous because of my broken smartphone and my inability to pay bills. Still I was like nothing was wrong. Actually I felt like everything was wrong and I tried to control the situation. I tried to be a man and working for recovery and our marriage.

I tried to hide my mood and uncertainty under this... pseudo-confidence.

Now it is fourth day of this separation. At first it felt weird. Not to be in touch with my wife except for 20 minutes per day. Then we talk about practical things and the status of my recovere and our marriage.

After dwelling in self pity I had to admit that everything that lead to this separation was my fault. She have had warned me that this would happen. She have been fair to me and I was like an arrogant child.

Thinking afterwards, I feel very stupid to be shaken by such a small things (broken smartphone, bills etc)
Before that we has quite a good time for a while.

I really need to change. I really do. I harm my wife, not only because of my PA but because of my codependent behaviour.
I wish I could have read a chapter from my codependent no more-book. That chapter was dealing about detachment. Idea of detachment is about an ability of not being tossed by every wind. So to speak. Wheter it be an emotions (own or other people)or situations. I am sure this would have been avoided if I would have detached myself from my spinning thoughts and emotions. I am so sorry for her what she have had to bear because of me.

On the other hand I have had time to think about myself and my feelings. On the other hand this separation is sad and lonely. On the other I feel certain kind of relief to be alone. This is a mixed feeling. It makes me feel guilty, because my wife is sad and broken.

I feel relief because I can be alone. I have a codependent attitude towards my wife. I try to control situations with my wife. I try to avoid to talk about difficult issues or I try to keep my wife in a good mood. I try to avoid feeling nervous or awkward.

When I'm alone I can be in peace. I know this is not realistic option if I want to live with people. There is always dynamics and tension between people. But not feeling this social anxiety have brought me certain kind of serenity.

These control tactics includes bottling up my own negative thoughts and emotions in a unhealthy way. I try not to rock the boat at any price. I have done this for almost ten years and now I see how exhausted I have been. I have been exhausted because of this obsessive need to control things.

Intstead of open communication about my needs, I have been a yes-man allowing all kind of behaviour from other people, including my wife. I have been in this codependent drama triangle (rescuer-persecutor-victim) so long that I have started to harbor a grudge towards my wife.

Most saddening thing is that none of this is not my wife's or anyones fault. It have always been my responsibility to take care of myself and my boundaries. There really is no room for me to be bitter.

Problem is not that I don't love her. Problem is that I haven't allowed myself to get angry at her in a healthy way.

I really need to change fundamentally. I really need to learn to be a independent man who believes himself and trusts he's feelings. I have to stop this silly yes man mentality. Even if our marriage ends I still have to find myself. Otherwise this codependent cycle will start again in a new relationship.