Overly sensitive to EVERY little thing

recap: he stopped using porn while we were dating because it bothered me so much, we married 8/17, d-day 4 months later when I find he’s been using P daily since during our honeymoon. I was devastated. Heartbroken. He seemed truly sorry (or at least sorry he got caught), talked to a therapist a few times, and promises (again) no PMO. That was in December.

Fast forward 6 months to now. He seems fine. He’s a loving and considerate partner. Last time it came up, he was irritated I would ask, but insisted he wasn’t using P. He seems fine with our relationship. I, on the other hand, am still fucked up. I have this persistent feeling I’m not enough. I feel ugly, which is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy because I’m gaining weight for no clear reason. Every time I recognize any behavior that he had while he was PMO, I panic (whether or not the behavior was indeeed related).

Today, he asked if I would wear a certain pair of underwear when he gets home (he’s been away for work for a few days). I agreed to it, but for some reason I’m privately having a total emotional meltdown. It’s no big deal, right? After all, I’m no prude, and it’s just a pair of panties. So why do I feel so shitty about it? Have I lost my damn mind? Am I just like this now? Fat and paranoid, with no self esteem. Not exactly a great package.

So besides venting, what I’m here for is to ask what (if anything) you all find most effective. I’ve tried forgiving and forgetting to obviously mixed results. Have any of you actually tried to just convince yourself P isn’t a big deal and you shouldn’t take it personally? Were you at all successful? Is there another way I haven’t considered to get over this shit?

 

Thanks for your responses. I wore the damn underwear, but I think he realized it bothered me (even though I didn’t say so), so he largely ignored them and concentrated on me instead. I truly believe he wants to be a good husband and have a happy marriage. I know that more time with good behavior will help, it’s just very frustrating to have these thoughts creeping in on me all the time. I hate that this stupid shit got between us and is managing to stay relevant even after it’s gone. It ruined the best thing in my life. Hopefully not for good.