Starting PMO while Rebuilding Marriage

First post/first visit to the forum. My wife and I are currently in the process of rebuilding ever part of our marriage after 7 years. Last summer I confessed to her that I had been struggling with a 4 year porn addiction. In reality it has been an on going struggle since I was 14 years old with periods of freedom and long stretches of succumbing to temptation. After my confession she was hurt but very supportive. She wanted to know how she could help, and really tried. I took steps to protect myself for a couple weeks then slipped back in to the same old habits. She felt me slipping, we fought, I would get better, and that cycle continued. That was until she told me she was giving up last November, which I brushed off. She continued to express her dismay which I ignored thinking she would just get over it, knowing she wouldn't leave me for the sake of our two small children.

On Jun 26th I discovered she had been having an affair with our married contractor (who we also go to church with) since Apr 17th. They had sex nearly 20 times, averaged 100+ texts a day, 3+ hrs of phone calls a day. I was devastated but wanted to work it out. She said she wanted to as well but told me that she couldn't tell me yet that she didn't love him. We spent the next week going over every painful detail of the affair. We started trying to rekindle our sex life and her passion was through the roof.

Prior to that our sex life had been on a steady decline as life got in the way. We dealt with a wrecked sex drive from some medication I had taken, fertility issues where sex became clinical, scarring issues from my first child where sex was unbearable for months for my wife plus a general disinterest from my wife that I couldn't understand and greatly resented.

Our affair brought back the passion but after she had confessed that they had once made love and she felt something she hadn't felt with me in a long time we thought we should work on that. We tried it was awkward and felt forced.

After further talking we pulled back that the reason that she was pulling and way from me was that she felt cold and used. I had pressured her in to things early on that made her feel cheap and used. After her passion for me waned I had pressured her in to sex that made her feel the same way. Our counselor has indicated that she shows signs of sexual abuse when recalling those memories.

I am starting a 90 day PMO in order for us to learn how to be intimate with one another without sex on the table. It opens her up to be more free with her affection without being worried that I will end up trying to pressure her. I am also hoping to reset my mind where I can actually feel warmth and affection with her again. We are trying to take this time to get over the wounds we caused one another and trying he wounds we caused ourselves. With so many of those wounds wrapped up in sex, we need to figure this out without sex on the table. We need to create a safe space for her to rediscover her sexuality with me with me without apprehension. We are also starting to date each other a little bit and get to know each other, trying to learn to talk to one another.

I was wanting to get my story out there, I can't talk about most of my struggles with this with many people I know. Any advice or encouragement is welcomed. I will not take kindly to any bashing of my wife. She made a mistake and you can't say anything I haven't thought or felt. She has been the far better person in our marriage, and two months of what she did doesn't make her worse than me for a decade of mistreatment at my hands. She has taken her responsibility for everything that happened and I have taken mine.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read all of this and for anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

Ask any questions that you like. I am an open book.

 

Thank you for sharing that with me. She does seem genuinely sorry. For the first 7 years she was literally the most honest person I knew. Then this happened. She has given me complete access to her phone at all times and even installed a message tracking app although I took it off because it kept crashing her phone. But she has been incredibly honest no matter how hurtful and I can see it in her eyes that it kills her when I am hurting.

I am not having sexual difficulty. Actually it seems as though it caused the opposite problem. I was hypersexualized and became very pushy. A couple times after we were done she rolled over and cried. Particularly after she gave me oral one night which she the began having a nauseous reaction to when she did it for me but she was willing to do it for the new guy. The past few years I was feeling very unfulfilled sexually. Through some professional help I found out that lack of fulfillment had a lot to do with my inability to feel connection. That inability to feel intimacy seems to be rooted in porn and the root of much of our marital difficulty and her pain. Our therapist said that typically he would not recommend taking sex off the table in this situation bit some of the wounds in or particular case led him to believe that it may be necessary.

 

As someone who had allowed the guilt and shame of porn to completely consume emotions feeling trapped in my own lack of control, getting these feelings on in the light does provide some liberation. Negativity breeds where light is not allowed to shine. It's like a fungus that just keeps rotting away at your life. Don't take this as me getting preachy because I am talking to myself as much as you. But I can tell you confession and real talk with my spouse (granted it was easier when our confession was a two way street) made me feel like I had taken a real first step.

 

Well we had somewhat a positive failure last night. Lying in bed talking, we ended up feeling very connected and it just kind of happened. We both discussed stopping but figured if we were in the middle of a moment that was the entire purpose waiting then why should we stop. So it looks like we are in a PM mode now. But not with sex for the sake of sex. Only when there is real connection and making sure to let her initiate and guide the encounter to make sure she stays completely comfortable and feels in control

 

Newest setback, possibly the end of it all: I confessed to my wife that 2 years ago while out of town with work I slept with someone while drunk (we don't drink). I also let the floodgates open and revealed that I lost 2000 at a casino last year (we don't gamble). Her entire view of a who she thought I was has been torn to shreds. Any respect she had for me as a man has been lost because I have shown her nothing but weakness.