Question for a PA's

Masturbation directly causes death grip, and can cause DE from lack of sensitivity, and the difference in sensations between hand and vagina. The low sensitivity and difference in sensation might cause ED from masturbation alone, but porn is probably a bigger factor in ED, along with possible health factors like drinking or smoking. Porn by itself, not even combined with masturbation, can cause ED, but I don't know if porn would directly cause DE or death grip if not combined with masturbation.

If he's intelligent and well-educated, he may or may not have studied porn and masturbation, and their health effects. If he has, he might be in denial, due to his addiction. If he's a nerd as you say, I suggest sending him links to relevant research. That might get his attention. Many of us need a serious wake-up call, unfortunately, and I don't know if research articles would be enough. It might be if you have a serious talk with him.

 

Although most authorities seen to resist explaining a profile of a typicsl PA, another online program called candeo did identify that many PAs are well educated, and what might be tended "sensitive."

But just like alcohol or work or cocaine this addiction can grab anyone. And all those symptoms and others will surely follow.

Best of luck.

 

The one thing that I have come accross consistently is that PAs are narcissists or have strong narcissistic tendencies. I like how Rob Weiss explains it. I like how Rob Weiss explains everything!
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/07/narcissism-porn-use-and-addiction/

 

Thanks for the link Sadgirl. I found the article interesting and thought provoking. Honestly at first I bristled at the idea of being a narcissist. From there article:.
In other words, trumpeting your successes and puffing yourself up like a blowfish is one kind of narcissism; another kind is not allowing yourself to feel good and to succeed.

Unsurprisingly, chronically low self-esteem and various forms of profound narcissistic wounding are nearly universal among sex addicts (and other addicts, as well). Most often inadequate parenting, childhood emotional neglect or abuse, and either overt or covert sexual abuse are the underlying culprits for sexual addicts. These complex trauma issues cause people to feel shame about who they are, which in turn influences the ways in which they connect (and don’t connect) with others. In short, their addictive sexual fantasies and behaviors provide not only sexual intensity and pseudo emotional connections, but control over that intensity and feeling of connection.

My initial thought is this is BS! Really how can the opposite of being a puffed up braggart also be a narcicist??? But I respect Dr Weiss so u need to think this over some more....

 

I'm a nerd (high IQ, but was also a very cerebral/intellectual, non-athletic, socially awkward beta male) and I pretty much had no clue that masturbation was my problem (can you say "denial"?).
I just thought that I had a really high sex drive and that I enjoyed masturbations.
I confused DE with "being able to last a really long time" and although I sort of linked it to frequent masturbation, I used it as an excuse to masturbate more often. Since I didn't have a lot of other "manly" or "study" traits, I saw that as my trump card
My ED manifested as not being able to get fully hard and/or not being able to stay hard. Sometimes I blamed my partner for "not letting me in", or I blamed alcohol or fatigue . . . but I never connected it with masturbation. After awhile that was all I knew and I think I honestly thought that my level of hardness was close to normal!

So, to answer your question. Yes, it's totally possible, that he has no idea.

But maybe if you can somehow challenge him to give it up for 30 days or more?? You'll both definitely see a difference in his performance.

Not that that means that he'll change his behaviours, permanently. But at least then he will be conscious of the connection between masturbation and his sexual dysfunction.

 

I was on a conference call with Rob Weiss and he told my husbsnd that he was a narcissist. Now I never thought of him as one before, as he is the opposite of my show off center of attention compulsive liar father BUT.... when it comes to my husband's addiction, it was all about....
....his feelings of inadequacy
.....his stress
.....his inability to cope
.....his discomfort with connection
.....his avoidance
....all about his depression
No thought about how his actions were affecting our marriage, how his actions were affecting me or our kids, how he could help provide me support. All about him.
So I can see where Weiss is coming from. Even in recovery my husband is all about how he feels. I cry, he cries more because he feels bad. etc etc etc.
Perhaps it is not like this for all addicts, but I can see how having a very "me" focused attitude could pave the way to addiction regardless if it is an attitutude of grandiosity or low self worth.

 

this hits really close to home. I have heard as much from my wife....

I follow the logic... It just doesn't sit right to me. Perhaps because I view narcissists so badly. Perhaps I'm just speaking out of denial.

I have only known one true narcissist. He was a man that truly only cared about himself. Others that loved him or associated with him had to balance out the "he's an ass" with the "he's my friend" thing continually.

As a person who truly feels poorly about myself, I see how frequently I make things about me that really aren't. I take things too personally too quickly. This may look like I'm only concerned about me- but that's not the base motivation. It comes from a place of wanting to feel important, worthwhile, and having that soft spot poked. Whereas I think a narcicist is operating from a place of genuinely not caring that other people are on the planet as well.

Sorry to keep harping on this. It's really me working out something that I have been accused of and never felt it fit, but also never spent the time to examine. Thanks

 

What's the difference between a narcissist and someone who has narcissistic tendencies?

 

Maybe this might help, it’s not an in-depth description but lays out the difference.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/narcissistic-personality-disorder-vs-normal-narcissism/