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Addiction stole my marriage. I don't want it to take my life.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by RedCloud, Dec 15, 2014.

  1. Dec 15, 2014 #1
    RedCloud

    RedCloud Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I'm here because it seems ludicrous for me to deny the severity of my addiction to pornography (and the Internet in general) any longer. I'm a bright, socially adept man who has zero difficulties establishing sexual relationships with attractive, intelligent women. And yet I spend countless hours wasting away in front of my computer, as if under a spell. Most nights, I'm catatonic until dawn.

    Though not religious (and with no desire to be prosthelytized), even a cantankerous atheist like me can spot moral dissolution when he sees it. I've kicked cigarettes and video games (though not without periodic relapses), but this addiction feels like a mountain that grows higher with each failed ascent; or better, an elephant that feeds upon failure, until its lumbering body obscures whatever light shows the way out. I'm a well-informed guy who is close to finishing a PhD, and I understand completely what computer usage is doing to my brain and overall health. And yet, despite antidepressants and years of therapy, the elephant hasn't budged.

    Wherever I look, narratives of my own failure seem to feed my helplessness. In a pattern that seems like it would be familiar to many of the men on this site, depression about the damage that I have already done to my life fuels compulsive behavior, which spirals into further depression and self-destruction. As Plato writes in the allegory of the cave, this truth "would hurt his eyes, and he would escape by turning away to the things which he was able to look at, and these he would believe to be clearer than what was being shown to him" (Republic VII).

    Sometimes it feels like I have already squandered my opportunity to become well. I have jeopardized a promising academic future by blowing past deadlines and falling short of teaching obligations. A couple of years ago, my wife left me because I couldn't master these compulsive behaviors. I thought that was rock bottom, but no. I fear that, for me, rock bottom could mean suicide. But I'm not there yet, and that's why I decided to join this website: as a first step in the commitment to exit to this prison.

    So how does one begin to eat an elephant?
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2014
    RedCloud, Dec 15, 2014
    RedCloud, Dec 15, 2014
    #1
  2. Dec 15, 2014 #2
    FriendsOfP

    FriendsOfP Fapstronaut

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    I just joined this thing (see: "30 year old on day 1" in the newbie forum). Something you said was very familiar to me - feeling as if under a spell. It's like a trance-like state for me where I just don't seem to really care about any consequence.

    I have been able to greatly reduce my habitual use down to maybe once every few weeks. I'm using this site to pledge a complete halt for 90 days as a confidence boost that I can quit for good.

    I can honestly say I never thought a book would be so good at penetrating the soul and really drawing out an adjusted view of pornography - BUT - "The Porn Trap" did great. Reading a lot of it scared the hell out of me but at the same time made me think about it from a logical perspective and a moral perspective (without being religious or preachy). Try that out for starters.

    I wish you luck!
     
    FriendsOfP, Dec 15, 2014
    FriendsOfP, Dec 15, 2014
    #2
  3. Dec 15, 2014 #3
    KrmGrn

    KrmGrn Fapstronaut

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    You can absolutely change. Up until a month ago, I masturbated to porn every single day, often going at it for an hour or more. And I had that habit for over 20 years. That's a long time. But now I've been free of it all for a month. You can absolutely do it. And it's definitely worth it. Here's what I suggest:

    - make this website the first thing you see when you open any web browser
    - check in several times a day here, read, post comments, keep a daily journal (in the journals section), encourage others
    - install K-9 to block adult content
    - read articles on yourbrainonporn.com
    - make a counter and check it throughout the day, coach yourself to keep going to the next day, one hour at a time, one day at a time, celebrate the small victories
    - keep your bedroom door open
    - exercise, get hobbies, go out with friends, spend less time at home
    - wear a rubber band (or similar kind of thing) on your wrist and lightly snap it anytime you have a sexual thought, fantasy, or desire to look at porn or masturbate.

    And of course you'll find plenty of other useful suggestions if you read other threads. Good luck!
     
    KrmGrn, Dec 15, 2014
    KrmGrn, Dec 15, 2014
    #3
  4. Dec 16, 2014 #4
    Davecb

    Davecb Fapstronaut

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    Things are never so bad that a rational person would ever consider taking their own life as a solution, but as you'll find here a lot of us are dealing with some very deep emotions and depression is a very common thing.

    I don't know if addiction is the cause or the result of being depressed but there really seems to be a tie. Depression causes skewed thinking and skewed thinking makes unreasonable solutions seem like a good thing, so we manage our pain, boredom, fear, and loneliness with porn which has no power to actually give us what we need.

    I swear if we could just manage our depression constructively then the porn would just disappear as an option.

    I'm free from porn right now but I'm still struggling with channeling my feelings in a good direction, and it's not easy after years of doing it the wrong way.

    Take one day at a time, and don't focus on the porn, instead focus on clawing your way up out of the depression hole and taking care of yourself.

    My 2 cents.

    Davecb - 37 days with no porn.
     
    Davecb, Dec 16, 2014
    Davecb, Dec 16, 2014
    #4
  5. Dec 16, 2014 #5
    RedCloud

    RedCloud Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the supportive feedback! I will take a look at The Porn Trap (wanna giggle just thinking about the title... but then I remember how fucked up this all is).
     
    RedCloud, Dec 16, 2014
    RedCloud, Dec 16, 2014
    #5
  6. Dec 16, 2014 #6
    RedCloud

    RedCloud Fapstronaut

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    If it is direction you lack, perhaps you would benefit from taking an inventory of your values: who you are not as a creature merely, a product of your behavior... but as a bundle of ideals. What do you dream about when not focused on the neurological misery of depression?
     
    RedCloud, Dec 16, 2014
    RedCloud, Dec 16, 2014
    #6
  7. Dec 16, 2014 #7
    KrmGrn

    KrmGrn Fapstronaut

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    The best thing I ever found for depression was exercise. I was a terrible athlete as a kid, overweight, clumsy, awkward. But in my early 20s I was fighting some serious depression and exercise was one of the few things that helped pull me out. Right now, I'm into yoga, as a way to try to get back into shape after an injury that's made it difficult for me to do most gym stuff.
     
    KrmGrn, Dec 16, 2014
    KrmGrn, Dec 16, 2014
    #7

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