Hello everyone, My wife and I started to become more distant about a year or more ago. Due to work schedules, responsibilities, lack of attention, and principally because of lack of sex. About a month ago she spoke to me about not having a connection with me anymore and was thinking about splitting up, but after talking with her and tell her I wanted to make things better she agreed to wait a little longer to see what will happen but with no pressure that things would be ok again. I made big changes in my life, quickly, things I knew made her loose interest in me during the past year or two or more, and happily the relationship has gradually become better again. She once again says she loves me and we enjoy spending time together. This is where I need advice. After the talk with her one change I made was to masturbate less, ideally I would not have to do it ever again if I start having sex with her again and that would help me to always be ready for her (I realized our sex problem was due to me self pleasuring and watching porn too much so I was not as interested in having sexual relationships with her) So I stopped the self pleasure, first I lasted a week, then 6 days, and now it has been around 14 and counting. I must say the urges are high but I feel good I'm doing this, until a month ago I had problems ever getting a full erection (sorry if I'm too graphic, I'm new here and I don't want to offend anyone), but now my libido is high and I feel I'm ready for whenever she would please. There is an issue, although things with her an I have gotten better and better, she has not allowed me to have intercourse with her yet. We spoke on Wednesday and she told me she needs more time, it has been too long without sex and she doesn't feel the need anymore, so she doesn't want me to pressure her or try again and if/when she feels she is ready again she will let me know. My questions are: -should I keep without self pleasuring? I don't know when I will have sex again, and as positive as everything has been lately there was even a hint from her that we may not do it again in a while or ever -im getting erections more often (in a way which has not happen since I was a teenager, so in a way I'm very happy) but it happens at work and I have trouble sleeping with her half naked next to me in bed without being able to touch her in a sexual way (but there are touches from her to me or me to her that immediately ignite me but cannot get carried through). How do I deal with that so I can have a normal life and I don't feel like I will break my promise to her to not pressure her I to sex and try anything sexual before she is ready? -I haven't told her that I'm have restricted myself from self pleasure, as far as she knows my libido is the same as always and if I didn't feel the need for sex all this time I can hold on for longer no problem. I don't want to tell her what I'm doing to not pressure her to thinking she is keeping me from pleasure until she is ready. Should I find some way to let her know? Or should I just keep going indefinitely until we have relationships again? Thank you for reading. Hopefully I can find some answers. Have a great day.
First, I think it's great that you cut out PMO, and it's also good that you want to respect her need for time to be ready for sex again with pressuring her. She is probably hesitant for a few reasons, but if you continue to MO or PMO, it will only lengthen the time she needs to feel ready again. I realize that it's difficult to wait patiently because you think you 'need' to have sex. But, you don't. No one ever died because they didn't MO or O. Try to focus on the intimacy and emotional connection with your wife. That will likely help her to begin to feel closer to you again, and that's a step in the right direction towards her wanting to resume the sexual relationship. Be patient and understanding. Stay away from any P and M, and only O with her when she's ready.
I would talk with her and tell her everything that is happening. You're married and you love her. Part of what is slowing her down is she knows something has been wrong for a long time. But she has no idea what is wrong. You need to open up and be fair, let her in. She is most likely blaiming herself. After you are both sharing and open, then and only then can you both grow together and more close. Read some of my threads if you like, there are many others about this also. I wish only the best for you and your wife.
P is toxic to a relationship, and it's great that you were able to see that and want to get it out of your life. your wife wants to know that she is the only woman in your life, that she made the right decision to marry you. she probably wants to have sex with you just as much as you want to have sex with her but because of your P use has felt like you aren't into her. think about all the times shes tried to initiate sex and you came up with some excuse like you were tired or just didn't want to because you M'd earlier that day. you have to be open and honest with her and communicate that you want to be with her. tell her you want her but just because you want doesn't mean that you have to have sex. it'll help her know that shes the one you want. it'll take a lot of time for her to feel comfortable with being with you again. women want to know that sex with them is sex with them. it's a very intimate thing where you are connected fully with the person your with. it's not just an act to get your rocks. for them it's way more. so you'll have to be patient. I suggest taking cold showers to help with your urges. they'll help center you and keep you focused on what's important. plus if you have the will power to take cold showers, you have the will power to no use P or to M. Best of luck to you on this journey, everyone on here is rooting for your success. P is a powerful vice and a hard thing to quit, but the support to do is out there. so dont give up.
Hi hope4healing, I really appreciate you taking the time to write and give me some guidance. I find important what you mentioned about focusing on the intimacy and emotional connection with her. The improvement we made this past few weeks was in big part from changes I made to make her feel good at home and with me again, but these past few days the urges I feel from abstaining from PMO have made me change focus to my physical changes and needs. I will try to keep my mind on her and what I need to do to keep improving the connection we have and hopefully that will lower my thoughts on my abstinence. The talk with her about her thinking about leaving really shook me and I'm ready to do anything necessary to make it better. I just took some time browsing this site and it is reassuring but also scary to learn about PA and also that PIED exists and it was part of what was ruining my marriage. I am now more of a believer that I need to be strong and try not to MO and PMO anymore. Question, mentally I feel like I can do this and it is the right thing, but physically the feeling down there and the urges have been increasing exponentially these past couple of days which takes away my focus and makes me think more about sex than before. I will keep browsing the site but is there any advice or reference for this? does it subside over time? I want to go ahead and avoid P and M, and only O with her when she is ready but physically I feel my body asks for O. Thanks again for your help
Hi Freddiefox, I appreciate your message, I will surely take a look at your threads, just today I feel I have found a great deal of important information on this site. We did talk about how things got to here, and I explained to her how I knew that the lack of sex hurt her and how sorry I am for that and that I'm fully invested in improving all aspects of our relationship. I believe we understand where we are and communication has now been better in a month than in the whole last year or two. I will keep working on being open and honest with her. Thank you!
Hi Rock_Star, thank you so much for your insight, I think you are dead on on what caused the problem in my relationship. I will work more on communication and making her feel special as she is. I will also keep working on patience, it is hard to hear that it will most likely take a lot of time for her to feel comfortable, but the progress has been continuous and I will keep working for that to happen. I will try the showers, that is one area I am having trouble right now. I believe the will power to no use P now M is there but I need to physically lower the urges while making sure they will be there for when she is ready. Thank you!
I would also suggest checking out rockstars lists. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rock-stars-lists.124256/
