My Introduction - Partner of Longtime Porn Addict - Feeling Hopeless & Traumatised

Yes, I feel like I've tried a lot, I'm sure not everything but a lot and more than he's ever tried to help himself. And my well-being has really suffered and it's what I need to focus on more than anything now. I kept leading the way, paving the recovery path for him which he wouldn't do for himself. Because of his deep seated denial of the problem I believe he went through the motions, for a short while anyway and some activities for longer but only as a way to appease me and ultimately each time used it to pretend a fake recovery. I took this role for a number of reasons, he constantly told me he didn't have time between work and everything else going on, he didn't know what to do, what would help him or how to do it, I was always the more motivated one "get up and go kind of person", I've always been the one to "try to fix" what's not working in our lives & in our relationship - it's just how I am, and I actually thought it would help because he was just so unmotivated and lazy not just toward his recovery but pretty much everything in our lives. I knew that ultimately he had to do the work himself and push himself, and each time I was only trying to get the ball rolling really to which he would not keep it going and then a lot of time would pass, and still nothing from him so I'd try and get the ball rolling again.... I've since learnt that I can't even do this, none of it has worked. He has to lead the way, he has to want to do it, he has to want the recovery, he has to want to save our marriage, he has to want to make amends with me, he has to want to fix all the broken parts and the things that aren't working in our relationship - like communication, trust and honesty. He has to want to get the ball rolling and keep it rolling and build the momentum himself. But it's also much bigger than just WANTING IT, more importantly he has to actually DO IT!!!

He know's I believe it's a betrayal. He has been told this countless times. I even told him this before we got married because I felt that using porn would be a betrayal and I would not be able to live with that secret double life and he promised that he would never look at Porn without my knowledge.

He has always said to me (whether it's true or not I don't know) that even though he is looking at these other women and getting off on them, it was nothing more than a release for him, a way of releasing stress, boredom, frustration etc and did not feel like he physically wanted to have sex with them and He was not feeling like he wanted to physically have sex with anyone else either.

Telling him that I will have my own sexual options that I will keep hidden from him is not the kind of relationship I want to be in. And besides I have said to him on multiple occasions how he thinks he would feel if I was doing the same to him - and his response each time "I honestly wouldn't have a problem with it, that's why I don't understand you having such a problem with me doing it" Well. It's not me. Sure I've looked at porn at times but it's just not something I gravitate towards. I want a fulfilling healthy connected relationship - and not with a pixel screen! I truly believe he was telling me to do this, so that he could continue doing it without me being upset at him and without feeling guilty or ashamed of it.

And I don't know that would completely fulfill his sexual needs. He for the most part of our relationship, albeit off and on at times, wants to have sex with me, gets aroused with me. He doesn't suffer PIED although I noticed about 7 months ago that his erections weren't as hard as they used to be and there's been a couple of times where he seemed to lose his erection during sex. There have definitely been times over the course of our marriage that I felt he replaced me with his porn and wasn't initiating sex as much....it's kinda been up and down the entire time. But he has very rarely if ever refused me if I've initiated sex ....I can't say he hasn't pornified me or used me as a sexual object or fantasised about other women and sexual situations while having sex with me - he says he doesn't or hasn't but I highly doubt that. I know he's big on fantasy and masturbated just about everyday of our marriage to fantasy while in the shower or wherever.....

But his biggest problem in the last five months is PE. Before he joined NoFap....I'd been on here just reading posts long before him for months....I hadn't joined at that point either but I gave him information and wanted him to do a 90 day "no PMO reboot". He eventually agreed. I wanted this because I was sure he was still M most days even if he wasn't looking at P and getting his dopamine fix, although he refused to admit it at the time. He did his 90 days and PE was a problem pretty much the entire time which led me to believe he was "No PMO" but it was only a couple of weeks after this there was another "D Day" and the first in about 3 years. He admitted to looking at Porn pretty much everyday during that 90 days but not masturbating at all. Whether he slipped with the masturbating I don't really know, I can only go by what he tells me but PE was definitely pretty bad, needing to cum within 30 seconds or less during sex which was a pretty good indicator pf no M. But before that 90 day reboot it turned out that he'd been looking at P and M the entire 3 years prior.

This has turned into a much longer and more detailed post than I had intended. I don't know that I have ever just let him off the hook as such in the last 7 years but I definitely wasn't using boundaries properly and the consequences I think he needed or I wanted, were too difficult to implement without making my life as equally as difficult. And from what I understand the consequences should never be more difficult for me to deal with than they are for him. So implementing consequences can be tough. Financially if we could have afforded it I would have made him leave - on multiple occasions. In fact I did make him leave once for a week but financially it was and still is a struggle. I also made him live downstairs for about 4 months in which during that time there was no sex and he was just looking at P and M and I later found out he signed up to a local "Meet up for a fuck site" Admittedly at the time I had told him that it was over, but he wouldn't leave and I didn't really know where we were at, and financially we couldn't do it (issues with termites). But after 4 months we tried to give it ago again and he was going to do recovery work but yeah didn't tell me about the Fuck Site, I found that weeks later.....

I do agree though that I feel he has devalued me and the relationship for a long time. Even to this very day I don't feel that I am really valued and nor is our relationship. I feel that neither is really that important to him or if it is he certainly doesn't show it. Both his actions and lack of actions are presently indicating this.....

 

Good to hear from you @Lady1975

It sounds like he could be in denial especially that he's so adamant not to speak to anyone - my husband was extremely hesitant too because of all the shame surrounding it. Like I mentioned before he was in denial for years, partly because he believed he could control it but also because he didn't really see the harm in it other than me having a problem with it. I really feel for you. It's so difficult for the partners. I really felt my husband had stopped too, he was so sincere and such a good liar. For your sake I hope he has really stopped. You will probably still need to process your betrayal trauma so I would still look into that. Also, if your husband truly believes he hasn't got a problem then he shouldn't have any problem watching some videos or reading articles etc with you so that you can be sure, https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ is a good place to start and for you if you are interested there are some good free videos on betrayal trauma for women on this site https://bloomforwomen.com/courses/

Best of luck! Will be here if you need to talk. Don't think I'll be going anywhere any time soon....xxx

Edit: One other thing, I'm not sure what he means by not a porn addiction but a sexual addiction. Porn Addiction is a type of Sex Addiction. An actual sex addiction is much worse than just a porn addiction.

 

Yeah, just watched it. That was a great video...thanku. And it's right. I don't have to worry to much about my husband not pursuing me on a sexual level so much but when it comes to a mental and emotional level, I am always the one trying to pursue him and it's definitely not reciprocated. Same with working through our problems, growth in the relationship, deeper level of understanding and meaning, deeper connection, its always me pursuing him and never the other way around. Not to mention his recovery. So yes, I need to stop pursuing and work on me. That's what I'm going to do!! xx