30 day Challenge, starting 9/18/2018 in honor of my grandfather

I've been thinking about my grandfather lately. The manliest man I know, fixes everything with his own two hands, helps every animal he sees, and builds things for people even at 87. He held back his tears at my grandmother's funeral a few months ago to be strong for his family (when my tear-soaked eyes met his, he gave me the sweetest look of sincere compassion-- I'll never forget that look). He fought in the Korean War, came home shell-shocked and still managed to rise back up, find himself a brilliant songbird of a wife, and raise a family of four beautiful children. Making him laugh is so rewarding. They don't make 'em like him anymore. He's the best man I know.

He met his wife at 19. I'm masturbating to a computer in a silent house at 31. Honestly I never really noticed that till now. Yes, I've led an adventurous life and accomplished a lot of things, but... This is frankly the first time I've thought of myself from the manhood angle.

Instead of wallowing in self-contempt by comparing myself to him or anyone else, I'm being more productive by simply aspiring to my grandfather's manly courage. Being armed with that and what my date told me last week (that my genuineness and humor are why she said Yes to me), I think I'm good to go.

 

Good good good... i made it to the one-day mark. Right now my brain's like, "You mean our number one source for dopamine hits is gone!??" Well... Coupling nofap with going after actual women like a real man instead of taking harmless pixel ladies like a sissy should fix that.

 

Hit the day two mark. Wild: I was exhausted after not sleeping well lately, but I went line dancing with friends anyway. And even though i was dragging my feet, I had zero problem hitting on women and getting their numbers (but the first was married-- I forgot to look for the ring, ack!); in fact it's more like a spring pushed me to them. It was great.

I'm practicing being the change I want to see in the world: Adopting the older generation's savviness to real world interaction, and the child's honest eagerness to talk to just about anyone. I used to be one of those phone-bound wallflowers. Feels so great to step outside of that loserish lifestyle now.

Brain is still asking "Aren't I supposed to be getting a hit of dopamine right about now?" Reminding myself to be responsible to my desires by going after real women, not fake pixel ladies or even being a chicken by using dating apps.

 

Day 3: Check. Now I'm at the point where I'm hitting on most attractive women I meet. Feeling bolder and less sensitive to rejections. It's like hearing the first few pops in a bag of microwavable popcorn; the deluge of pops is coming.

 

Day 4, forgot to post last night because I was feeling down from being rejected. Only reason this one hurt was because the night before she'd invited me to go to a lantern festival with her, and said, "You wanna sleep over at my place afterwards?" I thought, this is a sure thing.

Well, after the lantern fest she avoids eye contact and goes, "So I guess you have a long drive home, huh?" That cowardly weasel. I asked if I could sleep on her couch (I was exhausted and my place was an hour away). She goes, "Ummm... Could I make you coffee instead?" Jesus. I thought we had a good time too, lots of laughs. (shrugs)

Picking up the pieces today. After wallowing in the mud a bit, I thought of my Great Depression-surviving, Korean War veteran grandfather who had 8 brothers and sisters. He would tell me to man up, chin up, buck up and get back out there and try again. Real men aren't just courageous; they're tough too. That's a rare thing in today's world of nervous, delicate flowers looking down at their phones.

 

Been 7 days, I only erred one day (yesterday, aka the day after that rejection). Today was tempting as the energy "down there" started bubbling back to life, but tomorrow it'll be full blast.

I think abstinence from sexual release signals your body to amplify whatever makes you attractive. It's the weirdest thing, but after 5-6 nofap days I get this craving to create things, to draw. That's the deepest of all my talents. I start craving people; I seek them out and am very friendly, even loving toward people. It's the scariest & coolest thing what fapping and NoFap do to you.

 

Day 8 of 30 days, day 2 of this streak. Sunday was my only day I pulled the relief valve.

Not much horniness today, but also slept poorly last night. But i am starting to crave people again; hanging out with people tonight, but only for an hour. A major customer is expecting a new feature on our product from me next Tuesday. Gotta have my people though.

 

Day 9. A raw enthrallment with the beautiful fall weather. Around sunset and a couple incredible hotties later (not talking-- I feel terrified of approaching women when they're in groups due to my hearing loss), that enjoyment mutated into lust, a craving for female attention. Hanging in there. At least tomorrow is line dancing tonight, but fuck... what will I do tonight?

Battling thoughts of being a single loser after my twin announced his wife's second pregnancy. I should be happy for them.

 

Thanks buddy... Playing the guitar seems to help.... A lot.

 

Day 10!!! Yes, last night I was down in the dumps, but I played my blues away on guitar till bedtime.

Met a cutie at the line dancing bar tonight; she watched me catch on quickly to one of the dance routines, and after the song, she walked up to say she was impressed. I was glad, because she was the cutie who's bodacious curves I'd slyly eyeballed.

So... naturally I tracked her down a few minutes later and asked if I could buy her a drink. Because I've only recently begun this bold, natural, IRL lifestyle of approaching women in person (as ALL of our forefathers did) and deleting my waste-of-time dating apps for wussies, I was pleasantly surprised she said yes. She just wanted a Bud Light and said I was "so nice" to offer something. "You don't have to do it!" she said. "Oh big deal. I want to!" I replied. Has she not been offered drinks before?

We immediately connected, talked about her life and mine, the 90s, and grizzly bears vs. black ones... Here and there we made out. She was so stinking hot, I eventually had to ask if she'd like to come over. She said she was there for a friend's birthday party and had to go back to her friend's place after. She gave me her # and told me to text her later.

No high hopes on this one, but it's just... cool to see that I'm moving toward what I've wanted for a long time and wasn't sure I could have as a hard-of-hearing guy.

 

Day 11: I was boiling alive in outrageous horniness today. Just thinking about last night's woman made me a little wet while working in my cubicle. Pulled the relief valve a second time just now, 5 days after my first one.

This was after the texts from last night's girl stopped as soon as I asked if she were free tomorrow. I know some people will flake no matter what, but texting is always where I lose them. As much as I hate social media and texting, that aspect of the dating game is where I'm going to focus my attention next.

 

Day 14: relapsed days 12 - 13. But I'm doing a good job at keeping off of it Monday thru Friday each week.

Having last Thursday's girl stop talking to me after I asked if she wanted to go out the next day taught me my third lesson in manliness during this whole experience. So to capture all three things I've learned, I'll put that as #3 below:

1. Be courageous and bold for the things that you want. Just go for them; you'll learn from your failures the same way you do in guitar and programming.
2. Toughen up against rejections; keep plowing doggedly forward with thick skin.
3. Practice self-control. Go the speed limit; even when your horniness is about to blow Mount McHorny's top, don't push people past the speeds they're comfortable going. Be strong, patient, & considerate.

I exercised #3 tonight at the end of a date with an adorably nerdy girl. Instead of going in for the first-date kiss with hopes it would escalate into something hot, I restrained myself and simply hugged her.

 

Day 16. Alright, relapsed from Saturday thru Tuesday evening right before I went out with my (massive) social club. As expected I arrived feeling dead inside-- little embarrassed to approach the new women there feeling that way. It's like going to war with no ammo.

And-- wouldn't you know it-- NoFap 24 hours already has me smiling at the ladies again. My head's already swiveling around... searching. The running trails are chock-full of them, plenty of smiling opportunities. if they're running or biking I don't get a chance to say hi, but one of these days a smile, solid eye contact, and a "hi" will spark a fire thereabouts.

There's a little action on the phone, but I prefer keeping it IRL where it's meant to be for a million reasons.

Finishing strong for you, Papa. And I'm going to do another 30 after this one, clean and solid, no relapses.

P.S. Funny thing about NoFap... As a streak progresses, I get less interested in engineering robots and more into guitar. Yet while relapsing these past 4 days, I cared a lot about engineering and little for guitar. It's like it takes a cool, calm mind to concentrate, to get into the flow with chill logic and computer code. But at the height of last week's streak-- getting boners just by thinking about an average looking woman-- I reached the point of walking away from my desk every 20-30 minutes-- couldn't stand thinking about the logic and math. I wanted to think about women, rock music, adventures, things that make me feel alive.

 

Awesome, I'm finishing off day 2 of this new streak. Getting a big appetite for people, and working hard on rehabilitating my back muscles from playing too much Tetris in my early 20s (yes you read that right). The cougar lady's luring me back in; not much I can do to resist her beautiful green eyes.

Edit: saw a cute girl from last week at line dancing tonight. Only thing i saw fit to say to her was an apology for moving too quickly. She said no you're fine, but her body language said she didn't want to talk to me. So i went along my merry way.

Yes I want success... But as long as I act on my opportunities, regardless of their outcomes, I'm satisfied with myself as a man