Grad student struggling with PMO addiction

Hi guys. I'm a 24 year old male grad student in the US west coast.

PMO addiction is beginning to affect my chances of candidacy and so I've decided to quit P forever, starting today. Unfortunately, I have a lot of pride and therefore a lot of shame. Just writing this introduction required a long process of introspection and debate. The admission of addiction feels humiliating, but I know I need help and so here I am.

I want to articulate my reasons here, if only as a reference for myself in the future as a safeguard against moments of weakness.

More than anything, I've always had an insatiable desire to learn. I think it was Bertrand Russell who said that he would often contemplate suicide but never actually commit it just because he wanted to know more about mathematics. The pursuit of knowledge, in me, has been a salvation of a similar kind. Now for the first time, I'm afraid that its being replaced with a self-destructive hunger, an incessant need for PMO.

I guess most of you know what I'm talking about. PMO saps your motivation. Everything loses its flavor in comparison. The mind becomes impatient and restless. The senses become attuned to erotic input at the expense of all else. Even after reading the research, seeing the MRI scans of PMO-addicted brains, analyzing the graphs of delta-fosb and dopamine excitation, being convinced of the damage of addiction and the benefits of recovery, I find myself relapsing. I find myself back again in the cage after a month, a week, sometimes just two days. The spirit is so willing but the flesh, so weak!

I really hope this time is different. I don't want to ruin my chances of candidacy, but this is minor to spoiling my underlying motivations. The first is just a pedigree, a license, the second is life itself, to me. I know its partly the stress of school that resulted in my "self-medication", but that stress was always accompanied by a feeling of deep satisfaction, a feeling of joy for having learned something new everyday and of putting that knowledge to use in helping others--however fractional the benefit. Now it's just stress followed by craving and craving followed by more craving. I don't want to stay up till 2 AM scrolling through videos anymore, I don't want to skim through my work always dreaming of the next hit, I don't want to stay in bed simply because I can't find the motivation anymore to get out of it.

To my future self, who is perhaps peering over the precipice and trying to misguidedly convince himself of PMO's safety and innocence: Remember that the feeling will pass if you let it, always. Always. No matter how intense, no matter how severe. Remember not to push back. Remember that force only results in counter-force. Remember only what you love, not what you fear. Remember that a moment of weakness can also be a moment of strength. And above all remember this moment, this you, that writes from the past and the you that reads him, and renew your common bond: "Today I decided to quit PMO forever." Good luck, I know you can do it.