My journal (Day 4): Daily musings and recollections, diving into the dark side

DAY 4
holy shit today is Saturday and the urges to fap is definitely growing. Being not preoccupied by work has definitely made my urges more pronounced. But one thing has made me stop myself from fapping: I thought to myself that I definitely should not have allowed myself to know what an orgasm feels like, the first time I should orgasm should only be done on my marriage bed with one partner only, it is only right for me to abstain myself now even if its too late for the consequences of this addiction has already affected me. God would definitely not want to curse any women with a dick lIke me (pun intended) even if He did state that marriage would help one be less tempted by such sexual depravity. Anyways back to topic, I made myself spend the afternoon and evening distracted by playing sports and dinner with my friends, and now its around 9.30 and no current urges after playing wii with small children, their innocent laughter is definitely infectious and it reminded me of the innocent pleasures as a child then... I hope that one day, I no longer even consider porn as a source of pleasure and comfort

1 Corinthians 7:1-2 NASB

Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.



Continuing from my journal entry day 2, I graduated from the "normal" porn categories into wedding, honeymoon, girlfriend, student categories as I seek the romantic and intimate feeling of such relationships. But of course, such videos while able to deceive me for a while has never been able to truly satisfy, I craved for real intimacy not some kind of video that ends and is over and done with. It is not that I am ugly and nobody wants me but I am also not the most handsome guy that is a girl magnet. I'm somewhere on the good looking but not impressive person, but due to my porn addictions I was unable to connect with any girls nor do I want to commit myself to such relationships when I can just readily not when porn has taught me that sexual desires can be satisfied easily (albeit temporarily) but I wasn't in the right kind of mind then and just wanted more orgasmic pleasures but not the hard earned processes to lead to sexual gratification. I have since learnt that sexual gratification is not the goal of a relationship but a reward of the culmination of 2 cleaving into 1 flesh and the selfless giving of each partner. Back to point, for the few girls I have noticed that toOK interest in me (thinking back, there were definitely more girls who are interested in me but I was not interested in them as I seek beauty the way porn has taught me) they were quietly rejected as I shoved them off for the instantanous gratification porn has provided. This is around 3 years from which I first started watching porn and I could have jizzed around 250 times by now.

From this emptiness, I slightly dabbled into BDSM, rape, anal, girlfriend/boyfriend revenge, incest, fisting but they repulsed me greatly. I even considered gay films when I was close to orgasm but have not quite found a video worth my climax. Oh yeah, at that point in time, mere normal videos do not really excite me anymore, I needed something special in the video to make me stay excited such as HD, really beaitiful woman, great foreplay, plot, so I played many videos in a bid to find a video that would really excite me. However, the mere thought of gay porn brought jitters down my spine as I thought how depraved I am and I never brought myself to watch of any such videos, while I have gone against my conscience many times, gay porn i suppose is the very fundamental of my conscience, a line never to be crossed. I recall sexual violence has brought me to orgasm a few times but it has never really clicked onto me as it lacks the genuity of love. The reason why I orgasmed to such videos was due to my sexual madness to find some kind of gratification where normal porn has failed me, but it never did too.

You think I'm done with porn? Not quite yet, read my next journal entry to see what darker things I did.

 

Add-on
Just 4 days without fapping and I realised I have a sudden Burst of energy I once had a decade ago, almost as if I was born into a new body, today, I caught myself talking animatedly with my female friends on the normal healthy topics any healthy human being would have, and somehow, I also have a new kind of concentration and finesse in the sport I never had before.

Can someone explain to me what is going on? I am trained in the scientific thinking way so do not hesitate to go technical, I would do my own follow up research

 

Hey thanks for reading, yes porn addictions has did many bad stuffs to our lives but its still not too late to overcome it!
Committing myself to writing out what porn has did to my life has indeed brought out many consequences I had not really thought about before and has brought about newfound strength to resist my porn urGE's
I hope my journal entries are an encouragement to you tol that alot of us are struggling with the same problems but yey it is possible to overcome it as some members of this community did