40 days free, realized what held me back

Been struggling with p for 7 years, pmo for 3 years. Developed severe social anxiety and almost total anhedonia (loss of feeling pleasure, emotional numbness). I’ve been trying to stop ever since I first started these habits. Always had low motivation which I believe had do to with p and excessive internet/video game use, which makes normal less stimulating pleasures in life boring. It wasn’t till adding mo at 17 that I developed severe anhedonia and lossed all passion for everything in life.

I could never make it passed 30 days on my own willpower without falling back into the addictive pattern. But recently I realized what held me back and was a major cause of my problem: instead of dealing with my negative emotions in a healthy way, I would escape or numb them out binging on food and literally being on my iPad/video games all day. Our emotions are meant to be processed and felt, whether good or bad.

Within the last 2 months I’ve been incorporating a lot of healthy habits in my life: intermittent fasting, cold showers, exercising, no music or excessive piano playing (always thought it was healthy, didn’t realize personally how much dopamine was being released), zero video games, zero tv except sports, and limitting internet/tv use till after 7pm. I believe the biggest help was cold showers. After developing a habit of cold showers, I made it to my longest streak in three years; 49 days with pretty much zero urges. On day 46 I went back to warm showers, 3 days later relapsed. I’m now on my second highest streak of 40 days taking only cold showers (though I don’t turn it all the way to freezing cold since it’s winter) with zero urges.

The last week I’ve had the most confidence and energy in my life. Went to the gym yesterday and workout for 3 hours non stop without getting tired. Never happened in my life. Severe social anxiety improved a lot. I’ve not had ANY junk food in two months, only natural healthy foods. Though I’m still struggling with anhedonia I can sense it slowly getting better. In fact on my last streak around day 45, I genuinely cried for the first time in many years (while worshipping God on my piano).

I know it will take a while to fully heal, but now I feel like recovery is more possible. I’ve realized that God doesn’t give us these restrictions against sin just for no reason, there put there for our benefit, because he knows what’s best for us, and continuing on a sinful destructive path will only lead to death. I hope I can stick to this discipline and that these benefits continue. It has not been a smooth ride, some days are better than others, some are pretty terrible. Now I feel like I’m breaking free from not only the addiction to pmo, but pretty much every bad habit in my daily life.

 

I respect your view though it is not the same I have based on my experience of life. Based on how many times I’ve failed and how many times with my all my strength I’ve given into weakness, I could never fully trust in myself and place myself as God as you have. “I just feel like thinking that God is guiding you is gonna make you fail” Though I can’t be completely certain I am being guided by God though this journey, I honestly believe if it were not for my faith in Christ I would have ended my life a long time ago. With all I’ve gone through, and knowing this life is ultimately meaningless and we’re all going to the same fertilizer pit, there would be no point of going on with this life. Though knowing there is a God who actually loves us and created us for a purpose I can endure the trials of this life with a hope and perserverence that is not based on my own finite thinking and ability, and that all I’ve gone though has a redemptive value. That’s the way I live my life, and I understand if you disagree, because we are not all the same.

I don’t want to start a debate though on this forum, but if you are interested in philosophical/theological discussion, I would recommend looking up Cliff Knechtly on YouTube. He a Christian philosopher who goes around to college campuses answering pretty much any question on God and religion you can think of. Just felt like sharing that if you were interested.

 

It’s mainly excessive use that can do harm. Music is good, though because of its highly stimulating nature it can cause your brain too numb it’s receptors down (mainly dopamine) to compensate. It’s like the saying “too much of a good thing.” Also like how that first bite of ice cream is never as good as the last bite.

I used too play the piano hours every day non-stop for 10 years straight. I realized too much of it can actually drain a lot of your creativity and ambition from other aspects of life you engage in. So that being said, I’m definitely not giving up music completely, just taking a break while I am still recovering mentally, and to help speed up the process.

This is mainly anecdotal, but there are studies showing that excessive pleasurable activities can cause downregulation of dopamine and lead to less motivation, drive, etc...

 

Hey man, thank you for your comment! It really encouraged me hearing from someone who has gone through similar struggles, with anhedonia and such. Especially the part about the cashier thing is totally true with me. I also agree with everything you said!

The one thing though about the music point is that when I’m playing piano 95% of the time I’m just playing around old songs I know and improvising, NOT practicing. It doesn’t really take any effort at all I’m just enjoying what I’m doing instantly... doing this for hours at a time is what I think is draining my energy/creativity. I seriously hardly have the motivation to practice, I just “play around” all day. I definitely see what you’re getting at, I think I just wasn’t clear about this in my post.

 

Hey man, yeah it’s crazy seeing other people with such similar experiences! It feels awesome that we can share and help each other on this journey, and seeing people having success. I feel like the more i continue to abstain from these addictions the more childlike and free I become, and I feel this is how God intended life to be, to walk in purity of heart and mind. Though for me some things are healing slower than others, the first things I noticed were amazing energy and confidence. You can look at my recent post I made were I listed all the healthy habits I’ve been doing and all the benefits I’ve had within 47 days.
The cold showers implementation I think was pivotal in me actually gaining my highest streaks. I’m 2 days from passing my highest streak right now! Hot showers do something to our bodies I think that induces urges. I also feel too cold to do them sometimes, so sometimes I take only slightly cold showers or even just skip showering that day. Like you mentioned about comfortability, too much comfort can be a bad thing. That’s why we need beneficial stress to grow and be productive, doing things like fasting, exercise, and cold showers are all beneficial stressors that can strengthen our bodies and our mental ability to stay disciplined and healthy.

In regards to “eye openening information” I would have to say it was discovering the website/blog of Todd Becker gettingstronger.com. He’s were I first learned about cold showers, intermittent fasting etc... I highly recommend you check out his articles on addiction, hormesis, opponent process theory of emotion, cold showers, and others if you have not. He goes extremely in depth into the biological foundations of overcoming addictions and cravings and getting control over your health.
I’ve actually never felt so in control of my bad habits and cravings in my life. I hope we continue to keep progressing bro.