Relapse/Serious Addict/Road to Recovery

I want to start this out as a confession, even though I'm sure there are other people out there who may be ina similar situation.
Like many people who started masturbating which is around 13, when first starting out, I would literally masturbate until nothing came out, and my penis was sore for about 2 days. Then, basically up until 15 I wouldn't go a week without masturbating. And of course 'normal' porn wasn't giving me the same pleasure anymore. So I ended up turning to gay porn to transwoman porn to anime/hentai/furry porn. I'd look at pictures, videos, gifs literally anything. That's when I found out about NoFap when I was a freshman in Highschool. I'd have 3 day to 2 week streaks then relapse about 4 times before going back to my 3 day to 2 week streaks. 16 years old was when I hit my first 1 month streak and I felt the benefits a lot more. It was amazing, each time I reached 1 month w/o PMO. I've only gotten to 1 month at most 5 times though.
Ultimately I ended up getting really sad after relapses to the point to where I would wish to die in my sleep, but now I could relapse ten times without becoming guilty for feeling anything. I totally desensitized myself. I swore to myself on my 17th birthday that I wouldn't masturbate no more, I had a 43 day streak, then relapsed. That was 3 months ago, since then I've masturbated basically two times every other day because on some days I'd relapse six times a day after a five day streak.
I'm writing this because I don't want to lose myself as a person over literally fucking porn. I apologize for any I offend, but that sounds fucking pathetic because I know I can do so much better, I'm better than this. I don't want to spend my last year as a legal teen being such an anti-social, arkward simp. Also because masturbating to this extent definitely makes me unmotivated because of all the dopamine being released, on top of becoming overwhelming depressed after a relapse.
I already know my triggers but writing them down won't hurt

• Pornagrahpic images on my phone or entertainment
• Urges at 10pm to 4am (those are my times of relapse)
• Losing in a video game (weird ikr :/)

 

Day 0: I relapsed at 2:20am over an urge I had while laying down :/

 

I think I did restrict porn but i deleted it when I wanted to watch porn but by the time I delete cuz the password and other stuff, my urge went away. And yeah usually when I pray for the strength not have any urges or just for help I usually do long streaks but they usually fail when I stop praying and I get impulsive.

 

I think I should cut that stuff out but the thing is, I dont really get out my house, and I'm not mobile, on top of the fact that it shows where I live so cutting all that stuff off I'd cut off all of my entertainment, but I know all that stuff is linked to dopamine and should be limited.

 

I know I know, but Gohan needs to get back to working on being the strongest person in Dragon Ball again

 

I know plus it turned into a habit almost. Being in certain situations trigger urges, and since I know that I have train myself to fight those urges and not put myself in that situation, like being up way too late since I get urges at night.

 

I'll definitely keep that mind and that does make alot of sense. I'll some questions when I have some.

 

I usually listen to music and dance around while I take a cold shower ngl, something else you can do is start off warm and slowly turn the temperature to cold and make the water colder as you get used to it.

 

Day 24

I haven't updated this because I don't know what to talk about and I wanted atleast a week of no PMO before I would come back but I just don't know what to talk about. I'll come back and probably talk about something but for now I just wanted to say something before I went to sleep.

 

Day 3

I keep track and the amount of times I relapsed in a day, on which day, and what were the times of my first relapse that day. I fell off so hard, but that's not stopping me from trying again, and hopefully doing better. I have crazy bad insomnia from smoking weed at night and usually staying up or relapsing late at night. Which sucks cuz it's almost like I'm forced to be up around the time I have my triggers. Also school wise I've been doing worse during that time of relapses. This is super embarrassing and frustrating because I remember telling myself I wouldn't masturbate and I wanted to get rid of this addiction before I turned 18. I've stopped taking cold showers mainly due to acne problems but today did some exercises. I know I can be so a better person, a better brother, son, student, etc. but I first have to get rid of this addiction, this habit.