My top five mistakes

Here are some of the biggest mistakes I have made in my attempts to quit porn, and what I believe we should do instead. I am posting this here because everytime I venture to these forums, I see people making the same mistakes I did time and time again. Hopefully this list will help some people. Be warned: This is a long post. You may want to make some coffee or prepare a meal to have while you read it.

The basic premise here is that I am trying to move from an Abstinence Only approach to a Recovery approach. The more I think about it, the more I think porn addiction is just a symptom of bigger problems, and it's in addressing these issues that we can find our true path to success. Porn is not the cause of your shitty* life. Porn is the symptom.

For most of us, we simply fell into porn addiction because we were looking for something to distract ourselves from the bigger problems and it just happened to be the most accessable thing. In my younger years I received extensive education on the dangers of drugs and alcohol, but nothing about porn, so porn just happened to be the easiest way to mask my problems. Hence I am shifting from an abstinence approach to a recovry approach. This is not an easy change to make. Indeed it's still a work in progress on my part.

Some of you won't agree with what I have to say here, and that's fine. Some of you will feel the need to flame me for it, and that's okay too. I'm not saying I'm better than you, in fact, I'm a piece of shit who made all these mistakes. That's how I learned about them. Just remember that I am merely the messenger here. It's up to you to take whatever action you need to in order to make things work for you. This brings me to the first mistake.

1. Thinking that talking and/or reading about porn addiction will solve it.
Alright, so you've read all the posts on nofap, you've ready yourbrainonporn.com, you've educated yourself and you're ready to go, yet you still find yourself relapsing. This is because this form (and others like it), the subreddits, the educational websites, the nofap youtube videos all have one thing in common. They can't help you. I have spent time on this forum, I've spent time away from this forum, and whether I was here or not really made little difference to whether or not I succeeded in any aspect of life.

Now I'm not saying it's bad to educate yourself or learn about the effects of addiction. You should educate yourself, but once you've read the material and acquired the knowledge, there's really little point going back to it beyond the occasional refresher. After a while, it just becomes more motivation. The problem with motivation is that it's fleeting. It will be there after a relapse, but that's the only time it will be there. After a few days, it will start to wane, and that's when you need more.

Do this instead: Pick one or two new habits that you're going to engage in to replace your porn addiction. I got this idea from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (a book I recommend by the way). Old habits won't go away on their own, you need to replace them with a new one. I don't recommend posting here as the new habit either, simply because anytime you're thinking about not watching porn, you're thinking about porn. Ideally, your new habits need to be things that have nothing to do with porn.

Daily exercise is a good one because it gets you out into the fresh air or into a gym where you'll be around people who (in that moment at least) are focused on bettering themselves. Change your environment to change your habits. Don't spend inordinate amounts of time reading nofap forums or watching nofap videos on youtube. Focus on the thing that really matters... Your life.

2. Blaming others for your problems
Oh boy have I been guilty of this, and I see it here all the time. "Our culture is oversexualised", "Women dress like sluts all the time now", "I can't get a date so porn is my only sexual outlet", "Liberuls are to blaaaame!", "Truuuummp!" Seriously, get a hold of yourself. Most of us live in Western democracies, and that means that people are free to dress as they like, put whatever they like in music videos or television advertisements and so on. If these things truly bother you, perhaps it might be time to consider a move to North Korea where there are restrictions on these things. Don't all rush to the airport at once!

That isn't to say that there aren't ways in which you have legitimately been a victim at different times in your life, or that every single person you have ever met has treated you as you should have been treated. The fact is, we do live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. But the bottom line is this: Nobody who ever mistreated you or "triggered" you in some way is ever going to come back and make it all better. And nor should they (and they probably couldn't fix your problem even if they wanted to).

The good news is that we are not fighting a war against porn. We are not fighting against the sex industry, or modern culture, or masturbation. I once heard a quote about Time Management that was extremely apt. The challenge is not managing time, the challenge is to manage ourselves. The same thing applies to addiction recovery as well. We need to learn to manage ourselves to beat our addictions.

Do this instead: The next time you're feeling "triggered" in some way, whether it's because you saw a woman dressed provocatively, or because something that happened pissed you off, ask yourself what you should be doing to handle that better. Not everyone who sees an attractive young female will be "triggered" to go home and masturbate for hours on end. Not everyone who gets cut off on the freeway is going to honk the horn angrily and so on.

Maybe you could explore this in your journal and get to the heart the matter. There are reasons we react the way we do, while other guys do not. We need to really get to the heart of the reasons for our reactions, and more importantly what we could do next time to handle things better.

3. Counting Days
This should probably be number one, given the number of people I see doing it. No doubt it will be the most controversial on the list. What exactly is the point of counting days? I know what you're gonna say - you want to see a measure of your progress. You want to know how far you've come. But is counting days really the best way to measure this? I mean, there was a reason you wanted to quit porn, right? A reason that extended beyond seeing "90 days" in your signature on a message board, right?

What is your reason? Are you trying to get a girlfriend? Save your marriage? Trying to get control over your sexuality? Wanting to perform better at work or school? Come on, we all have a bigger picture reason doing this. What's yours? If you don't have bigger goals in your life (regardless of what they are), then you have much bigger problems than just porn addiction. Indeed, porn addiction is the symptom and the lack of goals is probably the real problem.

More damagingly, counters tell us that every time we make a tiny slip up, we're back to zero, which isn't necessarily true. If you were a daily user and you managed to stay off porn for a month before slipping up, that's huge progress. One little slip up won't set you back to zero. Indeed, the quicker you get back on track afterward, the less damage you'll do. If you really want to keep track of relapses, a colour-coded spreadsheet is a far better option than a counter, but maybe you should keep track of things other than relapses.

Besides, does anyone seriously believe that something you've been addicted to for years (most likely since you were very young) is going to just disappear because you abstained for 90 days? I mean come on, really? This is a life long commitment, folks.

Do this instead: Make the days count. I know it's a cliche, but it's important. Find out what your ultimate goal is, and keep track of how much action you're taking toward that goal. Life is not waiting for you to do 90 days, and nor should it. For example, if you're trying to save your marriage, focus on doing things for your wife or husband. Take some time out to spend quality time with them (which will also keep you away from porn). If you're trying to do well in work or school, track the habits you need to improve there, such as time spent studying or being productive in the office.

If you're trying to get a girlfriend, go and approach some girls! Start now. Do not wait 90 days because the other guys who make up your competition sure as hell aren't waiting around for 90 days. Find out what your weaknesses or deficiencies are (we all have them). Maybe you need better clothes, maybe you need to hit the gym and get in shape. Make a note and keep a track of that rather than the days in your streak. I guarantee you'll learn a lot more about yourself and get a lot closer to your goal than you will by counting days.

4. Beating yourself up after a relapse
Another alarmingly common mistake. Okay, so you did a streak for a while, then you slipped up and masturbated to some porn. I bet you're feeling pretty shitty now, right? Better go on the nofap forums and tell everyone what a piece of shit you are. Better not let yourself have that meal you were going to cook for yourself (you know, the one you really love). Better not go out with your friends tonight. I mean, after all, you just relapsed you piece of shit!

Meet Toby. Toby is a fictional character (apologies to anyone really named Toby). Toby's problem isn't porn, Toby's vice is food. Toby is overweight, seriously so. He feels like shit, he always wears shitty clothes to hide his flaws, but eventually he gets tired of it. Toby decides to do something about it. He cuts out a lot of the shitty food he was eating and replaces it with fruits and vegetables. He starts walking each morning. Once he gets this routine down, he joins a gym and starts exercising there. After a few weeks, he starts losing a few pounds. Now he feels more energetic, has more energy and is looking forward to buying better clothes.

Then it happens. Toby has a hard day at work. He feels extremely stressed after his boss kept him there late and yelled at him all day. On the way home Toby doesn't feel like cooking, so he buys a couple of cheeseburgers at McDonalds instead. Then he skips the gym that evening. The next morning Toby feels like shit. He knows he fucked up, and all the greasy food still in his system reminds him of that. Now he can go one of two ways. He can beat himself up about it for hours, which will likely cause more stress, followed by more poor decisions with food, or he can think about the progress he's made so far and try to get back on track as quickly as possible. The choice really should be a no-brainer.

Yet when I see people on this forum talk about relapses, they almost always take the "beat himself up about it and cause more stress" approach. Look, when we use porn it's usually because we're running away from shit in our lives. Either something that happened or something that didn't happen that would have really improved our lives. Either way, I can't see any benefit in beating ourselves up and giving us more shit to run away from.

Do this instead: So you did a streak for a while, then you slipped up and masturbated to some porn. Maybe you even binged. I bet you're feeling pretty shitty now, right? Alright, calm down. The mere fact that you got pissed off about slipping up puts you ahead of millions of other guys who don't even care about it. That alone is progress. The fact you were on a streak at all means you've made some progress and you have some ability here.

Now take out your journal and ask yourself why you relapsed. What was the driving force? If you think about it for a while, you might be surprised at the answer. It might be something you did two or three days ago that stayed in your mind. It might be something that happened that you never quite resolved. Either way, it's going to come up again at some point (because life repeats itself), so think about some ways you might have handled it better.

5. Trying to fix too much at once
If you're in the process of quitting porn, you'll probably identify some other issues along the way, some other areas of life that aren't up to scratch. Maybe you're smoking too much weed, or drinking too much alcohol. Maybe you aren't exercising enough or hitting big enough numbers at the gym. Maybe you'll decide to fix all of these things at one time. There's just one problem here staring you in the face.

You're human, this means you have limited reserves of will power. Now granted, some have more than others (I consider myself extremely weak-willed by the way), but whatever reserves we have, they are finite. This means that if you spread yourself too thinly... well, Confucius said it best: "Man who chases two rabbits catches none" Now this might sound like it contradicts what I said about chasing bigger goals above, but not really. Again, it comes back to the earlier point about Managing Yourself.

Do this instead: What you really want to do is focus on the bigger picture, then pick one or two areas you need to work on to achieve your goals in that area. For example: I was addicted to seeing escorts and calling phone sex lines (among other things). When I tried to quit them and quit all forms of porn and masturbation at the same time, I would relapse to just about everything. However, recently I decided to get my finances in order, and that meant I would have to give up the escorts. It's now been months since the last time I saw an escort, called a phone sex line or got myself a "happy ending" massage.

While I still get temptation to go to those places, I now "get off" on seeing the numbers in my bank account going up. Some other expenses (legitimate ones) will likely cause me to fall just short of the savings target I set for the end of this year, but I'm not bothered. I know I'm better off than I would have been without setting that target. However, I was only able to do that by making that my focus, and not getting upset about slip ups in other areas of my life.

So there they are folks, my top five mistakes, and things that I believe will hurt your recovery too.

 

I have to admit, I'm not familiar with Dave Ramsey.

The change in my finances came after I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. That's what opened my eyes to making small changes to my life that would ultimately have a big impact if they were compounded over time. Having seen what Olson's ideas can do for my finances (in a relatively short space of time), I'm now looking at ways I can implement them in other areas of my life.