Anyone seen a doctor?

There are various programs being used here in the U.S. but I don't know about Australia.

Depression is really going to be a complicating factor in a lot of this as often PMO is about avoiding hard feelings, often loneliness and things like that. Depression also leads to more social and emotional isolation.

I would talk to a competent mental health care professional about your concerns. Go in for a consult and ask who you can go to. You can also try some 12 step programs like sexaholics anonymous.

 

I may be able to help...

First, cut way back on coffee, nicotine, alcohol and SUGAR. They (especially sugar) flood the brain with dopamine which starts a cascading effect leading to orgasm.

Second, lower your testosterone levels, the best you can. Temporarly switch to a vegitarian diet, start doing endurance exercises.

Third, delete the porn stash, and start MO everday at exactly the same time. Make sure your uncomfortable while doing so. I stood in the corner, and finished as quickly as possible. I did this a couple weeks, and then went to once every other day, and then once every three days. So on, and so forth.

About a few weeks into it, it got to where I no longer enjoyed it, after a couple months, I no longer wanted to fap at all. That was the last time for me, 70 something days ago...hardmode.

 

How I was a few years ago is exactly what you describe, FreeandStrong. PMO, go a day or two, PMO, go a day or two, endlessly. It was a dark, horrible world I lived in. I was afraid, felt weak, I didn't want to go on living. I was caged. I was taught to be self-reliant and that it was better to die than to ask for help. Well finally it came down to that choice: either I was going to die or I was gonna ask for help. I was living alone at the time and I got a roommate so there would be another person in the house. That was step one. I got a counselor and started to let all the stuff out. Work with him really began to unburden my heart. That was step two. As yet it was not enough to stop my PMOing, though, and in fact it started to get worse.

I joined a 12 step sex addiction group and that's where things began to turn around. From media representations of 12 step sex addiction groups (like a "Will and Grace" episode and the movie Blades of Glory) I thought they were for losers who couldn't deal with their problems alone--a place for weepy, self-centered, lame people to whine. That hasn't been my experience. There are a lot of warm, helpful people there who finally gave me help.

To me, it's not lame to be getting help from a 12 step group. I haven't PMOed in 32 months and that's not lame at all. My fear is more manageable, my friends are happy at the changes they've seen in me, my family relationships are better. Most of all, I'm comfortable with who I am now and the world is a lot lighter than it used to be.

 

I totally agree with S.K. and Orson.
As Orson says PMO is often about avoiding hard feelings - loneliness definitely , plus shame, fear, guilt etc.
Added to this is :
the habit-forming part of it where it becomes routine to do it
the fact that we do it in secret -that keeps the reality of our problem locked up in our brains.

You wouldnt try and cure a broken leg yourself or treat cancer by yourself so why try and cure a debilitating and terrible addiction like sex/porn addiction by yourself ?
Try and get yourself some help - a therapist or guys in a 12-step could help you understand why you do what you do and also give you the feeling you are not totally alone in your battle.

Do something positive for yourself and take a step forward. A better life is out there for you.

 

I agree.

And I think, that opening up and letting other people help you, and letting others "in" about your difficulties and sufferings is very healing, "beneficial" and helpful in overcoming any addiction or challenge in life.

What kind of help each person needs can be very different. But in general opening up to people is a good thing, mainly because the contraction of being closed and "alone", in my view, often stimulates or even propels, the non constructive habits of ones life.

Of course, one will have to try opening up in places and situations where one feel somewhat safe, comfortable and secure: A good relation, friend, parent, counselor, doctor, advisor, "forum" etc.

Even if people not always understand you.. The feeling and act of letting others in, is empowering and gives great relief.

As I see it, the opening up to people is a opening up to the problem, and it releases some of the tensions and conflicts, and bring awareness into what sometimes may keep one stuck or recycling outdated patterns of behavior, and it creates a kind of vulnerability and receptivity that seems to be very helpful in dealing with and deconstruction the unforgiving and not very patient perspective we often have of ourselves and our addictions.

Many addicts, consciously or unconsciously wrong and shame themselves, when ever they act in a way they not consider or perceive as pure, constructive, healthy, right or even perfect. Some don't even consider that porn and masturbation is totally ok, totally fine. And its not a nasty habit. It might not bring you any real or lasting fulfillment or joy in your life. But its ok.

You start to feel your self when you are vulnerable and open. And addictive behavior is non other than the escapism of oneself, and the feeling you have. Knowing that, gives relief. When you realize that your "negative" actions is so simple, that you simply are fleeing your experience and emotions of the current moment, the struggles gets narrowed down to a manageable deal: I can flee from my self and my emotions, or I can stay and feel what ever there is.

Not being a superman and not being perfect, and not trying to be strong all the time, and opening up to your self and others with your thoughts, feelings and struggles, is as far as I'm concerned 80% of the healing, "overcoming" and recovery. And the last 20% is hard work, persistence and patience.

Of course you can't really make it into percentages. But I just did.

Im in favor of a mild approach, no ambition, but great determination and a tough resolve. But sometimes we think it has to be and look so aggressive, hard and violent. Maybe the feelings and thoughts, transitions and transformations and what goes trough our bodies and minds are of a violent and chaotic character, but we don't have to be. We can be with it, and we can feel into it. And if we sometimes can't, its fine, and totally ok.

Being tuff, unforgiving and hard with oneself, can be one of the main obstacles of transformational success.. As I see it.
- But firmness, direction and concentration is of-course totally appropriate.

M,

 

Hey F&S,

To directly answer your question- I did try a local SMART recovery group to help me out. It was definitely a helpful experience. If for nothing else, the novelty of trying something different helped kick start things. More importantly, they introduced me to several tools that I've found helpful, not the least of which is the book "Changing for Good" (link in my signature). Finally, hearing alcoholics tell stories about their symptoms and their behaviors leading into a binge confirmed for me that porn addiction is truly an addiction. It struck me just how eerily similar they stories sounded to my own experiences...the difference being the substance being abused.

Ultimately, I did leave the support group - I wasn't finding it helpful to hear the stories over and over. The coping mechanisms they discussed didn't quite seem to match up, and I found the resources I really needed from the book.

I later tried visiting a psychologist to get his help when I was struggling several months later. He was completely unhelpful on the addiction front - he tried to convince me that it wasn't actually a problem. I eventually believed him...and three months later realized that I had lost all momentum and motivation in my self-improvement. I'd gained back 20 pounds and came in late almost every day to work.

One thing to keep in mind if you DO visit any kind of professional: it's just like purchasing any other product or service - you'll have to shop around until you find a good one. You may get lucky the first time around and find a good one. But if you don't, realize that it's due to a bad apple, not that therapy can't work for you (though you may decide to drop the search as I did).


Now, one question for you: what are you doing differently each time you recycle (my preferred term over 'relapse')? One of the keys to making forward progress, in my experience, is to learn from each attempt, and experiment with doing something different each time.

 

But....

you are trying. Trying! You wrote this!

I was trying before too. Half-hearted. Doesn't work.

You have to want it badly! Or you have to forbid yourself to do it.

That is it.

That may sound strange, but it is working. See, your doctor tells you the only way for you to live is to breath. Then you breath.

You had an operation. Doctor tells you to give up on alc and coffee, otherwise you'll die.

Do you want to die? You have no other option. Just try to make it that easy for you. I really wish I would have thought about all my issues on porn and masturbation earlier. And I wish someone would have told me the consequences of my doing.

Right now it is a little late for me, but I do realize. This is my only chance - for me it is caused by the woman I love and to find the balance of respect, hope, health and so on in our relationship.

So, this is important to me. I have one shot and don't want to miss that one. I am going through all that shit right now I should have went 4 years earlier when I found out about my troubles.


So:

1. Forbid yourself to PMO.
2. Find a solution if you are starting to loose control: do something else!!! Go for a walk, meet friends. Take a magazine and go to a café. Learn playing an instrument. Ask family/friends if they need help in something. Play Orcs Must Die or something that keeps your mind working. Some people wrote: they needed the doors to stay open! So first clean your room/rooms if they aren't and leave them open.
3. Stop thinking about NoFap, PMO and so on!

AND BANN YOUR LAPTOP FROM YOUR ROOM. Leave it in the kitchen or elsewhere.