Revitalization After 28 Days

So in November, I went just about 28 days (I think I may have even made it to 30, although I don't know exactly when I started) without PMO. Since then I've made a bunch of relapses, not at all unrelated to the amount I've been working and the extent to which that has stressed me out.

Well, work isn't going to get easier any time soon, so I think now is a good time to revitalize my ethic and remind myself of the reasons I've dedicated myself to a goal of 90 days without PMO. A few of these I've said before, but I'm sure none of you have read any of my posts so.. here goes.

1. I don't want to be a slave to my hedonistic impulses anymore. When I get aroused, the only thing I want to do is get rid of that feeling by means of jacking off or having sex. It has held me hostage before, when at it's core I can identify the feeling as just that–a hedonistic temptation that I do not have to choose to entertain. Also, by not PMOing from a place of hedonism, it will leave me more room in the future to either a.) follow my arousal with a sense of trust and control rather than compulsivity, and b.) choose to initiate sexual contact without having been aroused to begin with. That is a reason to include "O" in my PMO.

2. I don't want to use PMO as a stress reliever or an escape. I watch porn because I'm lost, stressed, and want an escape. In the midst of anxiety-inducing work experiences and a constant state of winding through the chasms of my own broken head, I want an escape. And I use porn to escape, and as a means to hopefully relieve some stress. And I get that. But it's fucked up. I don't want to fuck up my perception of others' bodies in their most intimate capacity just because I have a condition. I want to cultivate a deep sense of respect for others, physically and emotionally, and using their bodies as an escape goes against that aim.

3. I don't want to watch porn because I don't want to associate women exclusively with sex. I don't want to rate women on how attractive I find them at that moment, I don't want to objectify women based on their sexual capital, and I don't want to keep glancing up at women in public because they might have an appealing figure. That is misogyny, and I've internalized a lot of it. I want to see women as people, just as equal and valid as men and non-binary people. I don't ever want to take anyone's beauty for granted ever again, nor cast shame on someone who isn't "traditionally" attractive, or even have any value for traditional attractiveness at all. Those values go directly against the act of watching porn.

4.) And finally, I don't want to PMO because I don't want to accidentally hurt someone I love. When my body hardens and I become detached from the empathy of those around me, I encourage that act by watching porn and imagining myself having a real connection with someone. If I am constantly used to having cheap sex or getting off whenever I want to to the images of girls I don't know, when the real deal comes around I'll end up hurting them deeply. Not only do I not want to take beauty for granted–I don't want to wind up taking someone's trust for granted because I don't have my shit together. And sex takes trust.

So those are some revitalized reasons why I don't want to PMO anymore, ideas that have been materializing and thawing out in my head for three months. And I'm gonna allow them to break me free from this addiction, so that I can unlock the wonders of sex again for myself when it's with someone I really value and enjoy.

Good luck to everyone here.