This is bad

Cryptic, but obviously you’re hurting. The good thing- you took the time to post here. Some distancing and rational thinking is going on. STOP and reset. Pick yourself up and proceed forward. Some demented soul created whatever you looked at- you can choose not to succumb to the spell. Acknowledge it’s wrong and disgusting and move on. Guilt and shame feed the bullshit.

 

Jesus man, how bad could it be? It's not like you did anything awful or immoral. It's just curiosity, don't be so hard on yourself!

 

You have been here exactly two years and one day. Even from the first, you seemed to be at rock bottom, viewing extreme porn. Since then, you have indulged in more and more dark matter. Now you say you went way too far, compared to even those previous occasions. It sounds like you need to do something drastic. Maybe cut off the internet for a month to start with. I suggest this course of action because you seem incapable of self-control. I hope it will be OK Ced.

 

I understand. But your drastic measures are vital. Don't give this addiction any air to breathe. I wish you well buddy.

 

Sounds like this might be something illegal. And IF it is, I would highly suggest you not only cut off all internet, (you can go to a library to use the computers for online classes), I would say you need to get a CSAT asap, and possibly look at in-patient care somewhere. If you've been here for two whole years and you're still struggling like this, it doesn't sound like you've put much serious effort into quitting this addiction, if I'm understanding everything correctly, that is.

Here are some things I recommend to people fighting this addiction.


- Go to weekly SA meetings and find a sponsor there. To find one near you, go to https://www.sa.org/meetings/

- Do an internet search for CSAT office in your area (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist)

- Find an accountability partner if you don't already have one.

- Look for help online; There are sexual addiction recovery books, workbooks, self-help books, Youtube videos and MANY other things to help.

- Start a journal about your recovery.

- Put safeguards in place to help you stay sober. Think of your weaknesses and eliminate them.

- Do you take your phone (or any other device) into the bathroom with you and relapse because of it? Then make a rule to never take any electronic device into the bathroom with you, ever. NO EXCEPTIONS.

- Do you read erotic literature and relapse because of it? Make a rule to never read anything that could ever be found in that section of any bookstore ever.

- If you struggle with looking at internet porn or any other addictive material on the internet, get an internet filter to block that category type of website as well as any specific site you know you’re vulnerable to and give someone else the password to it. (Spouse, partner, AP, sponsor, etc.) Obviously, you should not have the password.

 

Both are very good choices! And I'm sorry if that sounded like I was implying that you were doing anything illegal online, I just felt like you were really sorry about your actions online, kind of like someone who had done something illegal. So again, I apologize if that's how I came across. I absolutely did not mean to.

 

Its all good, man. Any progress is good progress! Dust yourself off and get going again!

 

Many of us have images we wish we'd never been exposed to. Sometimes they take quite awhile to diminish, although if you consistently abstain from all P, they do begin to fade and crumble away. I've definitely felt similar shame and disgust after PMO'ing to deviant materials. Instead of letting such feelings bring you down, realize that these feelings reflect a deeper part of you, a better part of you which is in conflict with what you just watched. If you block the P, that better part of yourself will slowly be allowed to heal and grow stronger.

 

Lots of us were headed down that awful road into nastier and nastier material.

For me I finally decided that I had to go to a therapist. It was a big help. I resisted going for years but I was finally at my wit’s end. Perhaps you’ll need to take that route?

It was expensive but worth it. The therapist taught me things to help me have victory when the temptations come. Things I don’t think I would have figured out on my own.

Also SAA has been a big help.

 

Read the blue text under my comment. Good luck to you.

 

Do the classes in the library. Throw away or sell or give to relatives your devices that have internet access