The 2019 X90 Hard Mode High Accountability Elimination Challenge

Ok, if it's for medicinal purposes

 

Yes indeed! It was so hard to choose from the list of all presents I'd love to get haha but I've made my choice and I'll go for a pair of nice earrings for Day 45 and a dresss for Day 50. Can't wait! Sorry guys for digressing from the blueB topic lol but I have none of that and can't say a word about it. Or maybe I have in another sense ? - checking in Day 43, still low mood, flatline continues.

 

I know - I meant in a figurative sense, in my language the expression "to have balls" means to be strong so I might be strong having reached 48% of my goal.

 

Great! Stay strong and focused and I'd advise you to practice daily affirmations that you will make it, you are focused to reach this and that. Just keep yourself busy and be mindful of the urges. If you say to yourself (or write here) "I will relapse again" your mind will take a note of that subconsciously and do everything it can to confirm this prophecy. So stay away from any negative conditioning like that.
For me it is also helpful to look at this journey as a rollercoaster with its ups and downs, as a cycle in a way, not as a linear progression. We must be loving to ourselves and our struggles but strict and tough to our urges and this addiction. It is easier said than done of course. Yesterday I was feeling extremely lonely and I texted by ex bf that maybe we could meet today - did not give exact time or place - but I will not go meet him today as I know this will trigger my urges and won't do me any good. Only acted carelessly yesterday and did not think twice what I was doing. I'll just say I'm too busy with work. I need to somehow get rid of this feeling of toxic loneliness which I sometimes get.
Checking in Day 44 - no PMO.

 

I'm trying, I'm volunteering for a local hotline for elder people (other volunteer possibilities are not possible right now since I'm busy with raising two kids on my own), I have a few girlfriends, I spend time with my kids - but I think that I am escaping myself and I'm uncomfortable with being all alone with myself. Though now I'm doing better - sometimes I take myself to dates and I actually like being alone more than I did before. Or maybe I want to have some reciprocal connection not just to do good for others without expecting something in return. I do not know. I'm still figuring it out. PMO was also a way of escaping myself and my true feelings (especially hard ones).