I've decided it's time to be honest with myself about my use of pornography and the cycle I'm trapped in. I've been using for many, many years, starting out in the old days of dial-up when the pic would come in line by line. It continued to the present day. My use has always gone in cycles. I'll use for a while, then engage in a period of abstinence, often prompted by a sense of shame or self-disgust. I'll abstain for days, weeks, even up to six months. But then I always come back, and when I come back, even the most mundane images give such a high. Being honest with myself now, I see that my cycle of abstinence has actually been a way of re-sensitizing myself, lowering my tolerance, in order to capture the good high. Unlike many people I read about, I never progress to more extreme material. I've always stuck to mainstream, vanilla stuff. I always just back off and then come back with a lower tolerance. The problem is. . . I always come back. Whether I tell myself when I stop that it's for good or whether I'm deliberately telling myself I'm lowering my tolerance with an intent to return. I always come back. I've been through this cycle dozens and dozens of times. I want out. I want to break this cycle. I am sick of the power this stuff has over, and just sick at the thought that I could abstain for six months (which I have done) and then find it all rushing back, like I'll never be free. That's why I'm here. I feel like this cycle seems a bit different from the usage patterns I read about in the getting started guide. If anyone has experience with this type of pattern, if anyone has resources to share, please let me know. I'm fortunate in that this addiction hasn't stopped me from several meaningful long-term relationships and ultimately marriage to a smart, beautiful, and trustworthy woman. I am just so sick that pornography has this deep-rooted power over me, and I am sick of having this secret from my wife.
First of all Ghost of a sandwich is a awsome name secound of all welcome to Nofap brother I hope you gain what you seek here.
Welcome to NoFap. Don't worry about cleaning up your life for six months-- just focus on 90 days for now. I'm not saying that it's bad to set goals, but what I mean is that six months is a big expectation and I don't want you to get overwhelmed by it.
All I would recommend from my limited experience with Nofap is to keep coming on here, especially when you're in that period of feeling tempted again. Talk to people on here about it. Even just typing your story and feelings out here can be great for putting a spotlight on it and feeling like it's not your own dirty little secret anymore.
Thanks. Even having made that introductory post has stirred up some feelings and conflicts that didn't arise when I abstained in the past. Definitely some things to work through and observe.
You’re story is very similar to mine, my friend. I’ve never acted out anything, ran with whores, or cheated on my wife. Stuck with mostly homemade/amateur stuff which seemed more realistic to me than staged stuff. Went for long periods of non-viewing, but always came back— the dopamine fix, I guess. Taking it very seriously this time... never enrolled in a forum until now. Think it will help tremendously. Good luck to both of us!
Good luck! I feel like I have some work to do on my character and psyche to get through this. Because having been through long stretches of abstinence from porn, I think that what always brought me back to using has to be something psychological, not a physical addiction. Please keep us updated on your challenges and progress.
Try to think about what had you coming back to porn in the past, that might help a lot.....try to think about what tempts you in the short term too, they might be related. You should also plan out a way to bring this up with your wife....it's hard, it's embarrassing, and the concequconse are hard to know, but if you really are going to own this and do this, getting the lies out will help. As long as you think you can get away with it because she doesn't know, you have more of a temptation to relapse. Looking forward to your success in this.
