Wife of

Lucy, I'm not exactly qualified to answer your questions, but I have some experiences that may be able to help. I sincerely hope someone older with some marriage experience posts here.

My mother has been married to her husband for 8 years now and as far as one can tell, they are very happy and always have been. However, for awhile, he had a porn problem that almost led to divorce. I do not know how often they are intimate, if at all, but I do know what my mom has told me about this troublesome time for them. This was a few years ago. Keep in mind, I have only heard her side of the story. She told me that he followed a specific pornstar that looked similar to her and she never knew if he enjoyed the actress because she looked like his wife, or if he was attracted to his wife because she looked like the actress. Like, who did he enjoy first? Btw, I'm talking about paysites too. She was very disturbed by this and almost left him because of it. She even accused him of soliciting prostitutes when he was out of town on business.

This was a very private matter for them. My mother and I are very close and as far as I know, no one else in my family knows about these conflicts.

I'm tempted to say that they resolved it. The issue just kinda disappeared and she wouldn't have stayed with him if he kept the habit.


My short and instinctive answer is that if it bothers you and he really loves you, he will stop. If it's truly driving you away, let him know. That's what my mother did, and it saved their marriage.

As for the masturbating to photos you, that seems alarming, especially depending on what your thoughts on that particular act in person are and that he did it before you two met. That makes me believe he's done that with photos of other women. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that unless I had my gf's permission, which I might ask for if I were in a long distance relationship.

I hope this helped or maybe put some stuff in perspective. Good luck and stay strong! Btw, my mom's name is Lucy.

 

I personally never masturbated to pictures of people i know in person or from facebook. It is too weird from my perspective specially if i have to meet them in person after it. Im sure that almost everyone from this forum did something weird and that's why are we here, to quit that.
I think that if he does not do anything of those things you should not get bothered or bother him with that because it could throw him back to old habits.
I also think that you should not get bothered because he got off on someone else in past. Imagine he had allot sex partners before you. It is not same thing as masturbation to pictures and films but still it would be desire for someone else.
If its all gone, you should let it go too and concentrate how to build better future for both.

I am not sure what you think when you say this:

 

Hi Lucy,


Women who look nothing like you
Although it's difficult Lucy, please try and understand that his tastes for sex are not his own. Men of the 21st century have sabotaged sexual appetite. This is not to take away ownership of actions from men
but rather to give you a clear understanding of what you're dealing with and what you're competing with. More on this further down. For now, just understand that his sexual appetite is a combination of the culture, movies, childhood experiences, porn(of course) and peers.


Rough patch when I was pregnant
This is not uncommon. Pregnancy is a very difficult time in a women's life. Pregnancy exasperates existing tension in a relationship. All pregnancy does is intensify the good and the bad. Some people have the greatest sex during the early weeks for pregnancy and some people have the worse fights. Again, this isn't uncommon though. The female body produces a lot of hormones that make her very sensitive and emotional. The male who is under the influence of porn most likely than not uses porn to avoid conflict, discomfort, boredom, anxiety etc. Do you see the conflict. The women needs to be served during this time and if the male is consumed with self service, he will be put off with extra chores like take out the trash, run this errand, I can't reach this, make the bed, build the crib, put on my socks etc. What is supposed to be a time of strengthening the relationship and creating even greater bonds turns into a nightmare. Instead of the women feeling cared for and like the apple of her husbands eyes, she instead feels neglected and unworthy of love. Not only this but she also feels the child being formed in her womb will likewise be unloved. This is the rough patch, love versus lust, giving versus taking. Pregnancy intensifies both love and lust, giving and taking, selfless practices and selfish ones.



He called a prostitute
As every thought wishes to proceed from the mouth and become a word so does every fantasy wish to be realized. It's only a matter of time before the digital and physical start to merge.



Masturbated to facebook photo of me
This is a small thing compared to prostitution and other things I've heard from friends and in other forums. On the other side, I wouldn't count this as a compliment either. Although he is fantasizing and masturbating of you it's a picture of you and it was probably when he didn't have you. This is the heart of the issue, it's not real, so that even if you realize your fantasy by hiring a prostitute it won't satisfy since it real and real is not what the mind is conditioned to be attracted to.



Picturing him masturbating to other women's bodies
Don't think anything of it, just know the mind and heart can be conditioned to desire even animals. There are extreme cases of people who sleep with animals, does that make you feel better. In the end it's all about what you believe is a good body and what you have trained yourself to be sexy. African American, Asian, Latin, Indian, White. It's all the same but if you train yourself to objectify each ethnicity you will begin to believe that all Black girls have or should have large bottom and that's the peak of their existence. I bring that stereotype forward because it's ironic that large posteriors were a thing to be ashamed of not even 40 years ago. Desires are conditioned. You might not agree, maybe others might not agree and say something like well ever since I can remember I've had these desires well that's not really an argument. It's like saying "ever since I can remember I've been short tempered", well you can develop patience. When Michael Angelo was asked about the famous David statue he built and how he did it he responded "I just chipped away everything that didn't belong". We're not born perfect but we do have the means to chip away all of our imperfections, it is our duty and to our benefit.




Do you think it will stay out of our life, for good?
Lastly, I want to conclude with a message of hope. Knowledge of the above things is part of the solution but the ultimate Healer is Christ and He has changed my life and my thoughts, actions, habits and character. You cannot control your husband but you can lead and control yourself. The best way for a women to change a man is to build him with her words. Do you know if you compliment him for wearing that purple shirt in the closet he will probably wear it a week straight. Withhold correcting him until he's strong enough, if you correct him too early he will have a negative, non-trusting, non-supportive image of you. You will see the greatest changes in him when you fill your life with grace, love, understanding, kindness, patience and confidence in that you are not the problem. It was never about you, you are beautifully and fearfully made. Every women is fearfully and wonderfully made, each women is a self contained paradise for her husband but if the husband decides to leave the paradise and drink from another man's paradise which is equally unique, not superior, just unique, then the man deceives himself.

Take the focus off of him and put it back on you. What type of person do you want to become, what kind of wife, mother, sister, daughter. Focus on you and let everyone decide for themselves who they wish to become and I guarantee, if they will ever change it will be by your actions and composure, it will be by your relationship with God that they will mostly be changed.

I hope this has been helpful, I really tried to give you a piece of myself.

 

There is sub genre of porn where step mother caches daughter with her boyfriend having sex. Then she teaches them what to do. It is porn with all adults. I was never interested in under age films nor in hardcore and abusive genres. In fact i preferred solo girls and striptease but that's not important here.
In these scenarios step mother is something like 40 and daughter is about 20.
He probably looked for that... at least lets hope so.

 

Dear Lucy, I wrote this a week back to another 'wife of' but didn't get a responce yet. Since it took me three hours to write (im not english) i'd like you to read it and place it in your situation. Its basically the same story with the same response i'd give you.

 

Oh and the original story:
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2461-Another-female-perspective-part-1

Hope this gives some insight

 

Lucy with a broken heart-
So if your husband has been PMOing since childhood and has now "dropped his childhood habit" cold turkey than he is most likely white knuckling. He is staying away from porn to not upset you but is not dealing with his problem and most definitely yes it will come back.

I have been fighting this addiction since I was his age but am 10-15 years older and many relapses past him. He needs support, he needs to talk about it, he needs to not hide it in the dark and assume he can force it to go away.

Don't focus on the specific things he did because as others have posted the addiction leads you down paths you wouldn't normally go down- but get a bigger dopemine kick for doing so. I know my wife doesn't trust me anymore- told me she hoped we would not have a daughter so I wouldn't look at her friends. We don't have sex anymore and are sort of strange roommates who don't talk about our problems. Don't let that happen to you two. Bring it out into the light because the addiction breeds in the dark.

 

As another person said, there is a genre for that stuff and it doesn't necessarily relate to your actual situation. Further, speaking from personal experience, most fantasies/fetishes acquired from porn eventually go away after not using it for long enough.

Please avoid writing material that could be triggering.

 

Don't put him in chains, men don't like that and most get defensive by it (eventhough they don't show it). Just make baby steps to make him realise his addiction. *worst case scenario* if you break up with him he might be confronted with this problem with someone else. Working on this with a loving wife who understands whats going on, beats everything. Getting to know a girl who is going to find out you have this problem can be hard since a lot of woman don't fully understand this problem. It's not something that goes away within a week. It's a hardwired addiction.

So, if I were you? Go watch the movie Don Jon. Yes there is some nudity in it, the movie starts in a somewhat "porn vibe", but that changes to something you would fully support. Just bring it to him step by step. Keep this website open when you are behind your pc and if he asks about it show it to him. The best way to make him change (not just pauze) his addiction is his own motivation. I've added you to my friends list. Keep me updated when you like a response

 

Hi Lucy,

I'm glad you found the last reply beneficial, the more I reply and help others the more I grow myself.


He looked up "mother teaching daughter porn"
This is very common. During sex the man's desire is trained to respond to the different elements he can recall during orgasm. For example, sex commonly takes place in the bedroom, it's an invitation to love as God has created it, consists of a legal practice meaning the two are in a committed relation. Lastly it's usually dark and conversations are intimate and whispered. There you go, to a normal man when his wife whispers to him or takes him to the bedroom or it's dark and they're alone all signals are go.


Now, don't underestimate this "all signals are a go" it's a very strong desire but it doesn't rule the man instead the man rules the desire and calls it. It's not like when a man with an oral fetish happens upon a woman casually enjoying a Popsicle. There's nothing sexual about a Popsicle but try explaining that to the man who's watched porn for 20+ years. Walking by bananas in a grocery store or anything remotely resembling a penis will trigger all sorts of pornographic memories that derail the individual. Why do I mention this, well, it's because we must first understand what porn self sex does, and that's, trains the mans mind to respond to ques that are not normal associated with sex.


If common sexual ques are:
- legal
- dark
- intimate
- bedroom
- vaginal
- freely given

then porn's sexual ques are:
- illegal or anything denied
- bright
- not intimate
- exotic locations
- usually oral, anal are advertised as better
- not freely given


I won't cover every item but I must spend enough time on the necessary ones lest I marr your understanding.


1. I only want it if I can't have it
I fear this is the foundation of the whole act of self sex with porn. It is the forbidden, so naturally anything else in life that is forbidden will, by virtue of this first que, seem attractive.

Now that could be co-worker, relatives, barely legal or God forbid underage, animals and the sort. Again you shouldn't be surprised by any of this, it's simply the consequence of a mind set or rather of beliefs.

If porn is selling an "illegal is good" mentality than anything is possible for the individuals consuming porn.


2. camera LIGHTS action
There's nothing wrong with it being bright. There are many couples who make love during the day. The problem is the vast difference between a virtual womam and a real woman. There are many imperfections in a woman's body, there are dark spots on her elbows and knees, stretch marks on different parts of her body, hair in places you wouldn't expect and oh yea skin pores.

this is not a disadvantage instead it's just different. But the mind can be trained to believe something is inferior because it's different when it's only just different. Once black skinned individuals were considered inferior because they were different. Jews were inferior enough to be killed by the millions because they were what inferior, no, just different.


3. Strangers are hotter
most of pornography consists of strangers having sex, enough said. This has huge implications since when in a committed relationship every stranger will seem vastly superior.

I have known a man who almost committed suicide because he so desperately wanted another women. After much prayer and quitting porn he said to me once "I can't even remember her name".


4. Oral and Anal is better
the woman's natural member(vagina) is the equivalent of the man's natural member. Porn, in a passive way teaches that a woman's mouth and anus is superior to her natural sexual member.

if a man trained himself to he could learn to prefer masturbating with butter. This is arguably a more lubricated and controlled sexual experience. But the sexual experience and the vagina is not measured on such a crude scale of slippery and warm. Why there might be animals in the world that have more slippery and warmer members. Your underarm might be warmer and with some added lubricant more slippery but that's just not a good practice, the underarm is not a sexual member either should one be trained to believe so.

it's not a light thing that the woman's vagina is hidden and only revealed to her spouse and if the man is properly trained to respond to her sexual member then he will be erect when they are naked and alone. But if he considers her mouth to be sexual than seeing hundreds of mouths a day might be equivalent to seeing hundreds of vagina a day(sexual triggers), which is not desirable from a practical standpoint.


Conclusion
I'll stop here but to conclude with regards to the search que of "mother teaching daughter porn", it's grounded on the "illegal" or "forbidden" foundation. Like all things though it's only a perversion of a good and holy desire. Sex in itself is a good thing porn is only a perversion or a misuse of that holy and good thing. A mother teaching her daughter is a good and holy thing, a mother teaching her daughter bad things is simply a perversion of teaching. There's no reason to demonize anyone in this world, we all bare the same nature, namely it's a nature that is in between angels who never fall and demons who never repent. We can choose to be as celestial as angels or as terrifying as demons. It is all by chose and by belief, I'll pray for your husband that God might change his beliefs that he might be free to love and to live out his life to it's fullest. Above all don't forget to focus on yourself you will see change in other around you but don't be a slave to people's status. Do not be angry with the angry, impatient with the inpatient, sad with the depressed, broken with the addicted but be free from all these things. Only a free person can set another free.