I am hurting myself I am not accepting myself I constantly putting myself down not accepitng who I am not like who I am self identity was not healthy I compare myself with other why I don like going out
Life seems meaningless I hate myself I hate everyone God wish to lose myself in porn and masturbation to get out of the hell I am having right now.
Life seems like paused, came to halt sad, lonely, lazy, pity in fact I prefer to be pity than untrue dis honesty happiness it seems I am there for myself I know no one will be there everyone tells you they will be but no ask them to take action, 99.99% disappears coz it is easier to talk than act in fact I don care others, I know no will be there I don count on them, even my parents they themselves not there when I wanted relatives LOL friends hilarious the only people who can count on is when you paid for the people without any selfish inclination no one will be there for you to support or care. It is fine I feel safe in self pity than raising the hope that someone could accept you unconditionally everyone is selfish I know the porn and masturbation will save by immediately from the low life I am going now but I am a man in a mission I don want to give up I wont Importantly I am happy no one is there to support I like that feeling sad or pathetic I don care coz I cant trust people I don trust I don count them unless until I pay them, then I can question As long as you are loving good if you expect love shut your mouth if not expect to be slapped by reality no one can tolerate you if you are expressing your darkest unhealed crying part of you they get scared they get offended they beat you to death if they powerful if not they move away from you to protect themselves, including your mom, dad, wife if you have. you alone have to go through your journey I am going all alone I prefer that way surprisingly, my urge is came to balance from very high, when I begin to draw though I can draw when I was child no one encouraged coz I had some lousy parents and got no real friends (actual few friend supported me, but before developing the trust in me I have to move to different location lose the friendships) anyway I not consider myself as an artist I restrict I can draw only through seeing something else for the first time I was sketching... from my imagination I could not believe I can draw decent from my imagination lol but it is mainly a naked woman with big boobs and curves hope it is better than jerking seeing the porn coz I am creating something so I have to patience here rather than raping myself in anger and desperation Update my struggles more ...
depressed sad lonely triggering my masturbation and pornography addictions I really don know what to do but somehow surviving by sleeping watching movies, youtube pranks, drawing, star gaze nothing helping me much feeling guilt massively confused I don know but I better die than raping myself
business is not going well also triggering financially broke business going in loss hmm... funny can only smile in sarcasm.
I think I am doing wrong missing the point Porn is the symptom. You watch porn to escape reality. You watch porn to manage your emotions. You watch porn because you're bored, lonely, stressed, depressed, angry, isolated. You watch porn to feel good for a moment, to replace uncomfortable emotions and situations in your life. Porn addiction is not the cause of your shitty life. This mentality of "life awaits me after recovery" is destructive. You don't focus on quitting porn so you can finally get to live life after you're recovered. You focus on learning how to live, how to manage your emotions, how to change the way you think and view the world. You put all your energy into building the life you want. This will naturally lead your mind away from porn. I am doing opposite to that... continuing my shitty life waiting some miracle going to happen I am not yet ready to comeout of the shit something hold me strong in the shitty life DAMN
I cannot always understand your words in posts Anand but you have excellent thought process. Read you every day. Hope that you can see some positive reactions to body or mind in coming weeks. Ithink you can try to measure body and mind as seperate from work and other emotional encounters in life. Hope this makes sense.
Thank you Al I am just writing what is going on in my mind why it is unclear I think anyway thank you for the wishes brother my wishes for your success.
Failed yet again lots of anger insecurity fear hatred judgement have to start again can only last 12 days this time last 2 days I lost control actually bcoz of some stupid moves letting my girl friend into my space is big fucking mistake if you want to succeed no weakness should be allowed girl embrace your weakness so you will be vulnerable, when you vulnerable you cant win may be I am wrong may be I am not but the mistake is allowing a girl who doesn't know what you going through what you want to achieve how much it is important for you I am blaming the girl I know it but I cant help why I want to get out of this prison plz girl let us be a Man, I know you like our vulnerable child, your mother side wants a child part, but when we are child we are fucked up, I have to kill the inner child (the wussy) to be a Man so no girl (how much fucking drama she puts to be with you )
What time of day (where you live) did this happen Anand? I have started to make a promise before i go to bed of 2 or 3 things that i will do when i wake up in the morning. This helps me a little at that time of day.
I committed myself 1. not to touch my brother / masturbate for any reason 2. not to see any porn, or any woman in this matter sexually no matter what challenging times is where 1. I am negative in mind 2. low in energy physically 3. emotionally drained But I take this challenge 1. I am a man enough to handle them 2. If I cant I am man enough to surrender to God 3. I propel this sexual energy for my business success and grow more balls (courage) Started date 29/7/15 2/100 day challenge
I commit my sexual energy to consistency in business success, patience and courage in my daily life I have to change my sleeping patterns as I am going to sleep early morning I do it. I can do it. I surrender to God.
Day by day I am getting more patient emotionally mature especially when external condition is not favorable Also I noted my sexual energy is getting stronger and sharper But it is getting utilized for being a man.
Sensing urge Urge because of feeling inadequate, negative, boredom two choice 1. to forget these feelings sink in self sabotage and self rape (dis respect) but instant gratifying 2. to do what is harder now and feeling great about myself but it is instantly not gratifying now takes little bit of will power I choose second choice now I surrender to God's force to help me and stay with me, in doing that gives me permanent pleasure I do the work that I postponing I postpone because it seems big and hard but instead of doing zero I do small things consistently I hear what my feelings saying and doing necessary now its a time to feel good by doing the work
As I am professional trader profit and losses are part of our business yesterday, It was kind of strings of losses usually I go to porn to forget the pain of losses This time I take initiative to accept coz one tyre of car get flat it is foolishness to make other three tyres flat I take time to cool off by remaining silent gather my energy back Did what I have to do, rather than indulge myself in escape behaviours (making other tyres flat) I understand doing the pain first pleasure second tasks when I am negative will not be easy So I stop being hard on myself I usually seek perfection in my task that precisely what makes me to procrastinate this time I told myself to start, no goal how much how long to work I begin to enjoy when mind not forced to do if forced it keep on looking clock to take break or percentage of work done it will not 100% in task, I want me 100% on my side it happens only when I support me not sabotage me So I stopped expecting big things from me just start doing like reading about my business watch videos about my business etc I have to say I enjoy doing that is what matter As long as I enjoy finishing big task is just a breeze so I focused on not forcing me and having fun in doing so I take breaks when I am losing focus I did pretty well, to be honest I did what I want to postpone like reviewing my losses I did it with neutral mind and was happy it was a business losses. Not against my business plan. I am proud I was discipline and consistent in my business execution the string of losses is normal when market is not conducive to my strategy. Today to make sure I recover 100% I take leave from working. Not forcing myself is a key for my productivity focusing on enjoying the task focusing on just start (a little will power to start a work) remaining things work take care of itself. Yes I feel horny that time but I promised myself you deserve 1000x more pleasure than this Let surrender to God and focused on Nofab for 100 days Seeing other woman as my sister and mother definitely helping me When I am super hornier, I focus on bringing love and giving to spread my lust around my genitals to loving energy all over my body I visualize moving energy from my manhood to my head and circulate that energy from head to toe It helps, again I don force doing it as a regime or doing it perfect even if I visualize for 10 seconds I do it with full involvement Thanks to God for such a love and support on me
Reset Out of boredom overwhelming negativity I exhausted To change the mood went to porn Overwhelming negativity is me purposefully hanged on I could have accept and moved on May be clinging to negativity and feeling pity satisfies something in me I think
