Last night

Last night I went out with a group of friends. They're not really my friends, but classmates who seemed pleasant. I'm 28, so I was the oldest person there. We drank (which I rarely do these days). Someone decided it would be a fun idea to "Never Have I Ever". Have you played that game? It basically provokes people to start talking about their secrets. Anyway, someone said, "Never have I ever gone a week without masturbating." I was the only person to put my finger down, indicating that I had.

So these people were pretty curious. They asked me follow-up questions, and when I finally revealed that I am nearly 3 weeks free from porn, masturbation, or even seeking out any triggers, they made me feel miserable. God, did I feel miserable. All the cute girls in the group looked at me strangely. Like I'm some kind of freak. I tried to find a way to run from the group and seek refuge back at home. "Maybe I am a freak," I thought. I got incredibly quiet and I just *knew* they had been talking about my reaction behind my back. I didn't really give much of a fuck, but it hurt to feel so outcasted.

Later that night, I went back and crashed on this girl's couch. She had demonstrated a lot of touching and staring throughout the night. I fell asleep, and then moments later, I found her laying on top of me. For the sake of not triggering anyone on this forum, I will make this very bland: she was desperately trying to fuck me.

God. It felt so sick. All of it. All of that vice: all of the booze, the fake conversations, the pettiness, the desperate sexuality from a girl who cares nothing about my feelings nor who I am, but only about how I can temporarily make her feel about herself. All of it so fucking fake and repulsive.

I got up and left her home and came back to my place. This morning, I am hungover, regrettably. I should have used my time more valuably. I knew when I made the decision to go out last night, I could have stayed in and studied instead. I could have been up this morning, could have gone through all of my notecards and done practice exams. But instead, I tested the waters because I felt that I was missing out if I hadn't.

Here's a reminder to you all: if you're looking for something more in life, let me let you in on a little secret: there isn't. Your life is what you make of it. If you want more, you have to reach out for more. You have to do the things that other people don't do, and do them all to reach a higher level of yourself. Are you listening to me? Listen to me, goddamit. If you want to continue getting the things you're getting, keep on doing the things you're doing. You gotta be willing to recognize that all of that vice - ALL OF IT - is just an escape that cowards use to temporarily medicate the pain they're experience.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.

STOP MAKING THE SAME FUCKING MISTAKES. If you - YOU - YOU, THE PERSON READING THIS - if YOU want a better life, then start changing some shit. It's not just PMO. It's not just triggers. If you want to succeed at your job, or score highly on your exams, or get that body you've always wanted in the gym, then START CHANGING YOUR ACTIONS. You can do this. You don't NEED them. You don't NEED booze and alcohol and sex and drugs and partying and ups and downs and side to side and back and forth - YOU DON'T NEED THAT SHIT.

What's your excuse? Huh? What's the problem, huh? You keep relapsing at 6 days? You can't make it to 90? Why. Why can't you? Is it because you're stressed or tired or bored? What excuse is it now? Did you stub your toe? Did you get rejected? Are you unhappy at this very moment and deserve a break? What excuse is it now? MAN THE FUCK UP. Stop being an asshole to yourself. This is YOUR LIFE. This is nobody else's life.

There are things that YOU can do that NOBODY ELSE can do. This is your life. And no matter how much other people want to take what's yours, or make you feel ridiculed, this is STILL YOUR LIFE. THIS IS YOUR DREAM. IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE MAD OR DISAGREE WITH YOUR DREAM, IT'S BECAUSE YOUR DREAM WASN'T GIVEN TO THEM. IT WAS GIVEN TO YOU. GO OUT AND TAKE WHAT'S YOURS.

WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS. DRAW YOUR PYRAMID ON YOUR BATHROOM MIRROR. CHANGE YOUR COURSE.

Listen to me, brother. You have what it takes. Fuck the phonies. Fuck the people who are seriously not serious. They want to take what's yours or spoil your dream because they lack the audacity and the impetus to start theirs. Stay focused on where you want to go. Go work out. Go make green smoothies. Get straight A's. Become manager. Become a doctor. Become a lawyer.

Do this for YOURSELF.
TAKE NO SHIT.
SET GOALS.
SMASH THEM.
SHOW PEOPLE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE.

AND NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A SELF-MADE MOTHERFUCKER.

-Pyramid