So I've been in a relationship for less than two years and we have been married since October. We bought a business together in January of this year. Since the start of our relationship, my wife has caught me looking up pornography three times. Each time I said I would stop, which I do for several weeks and somehow it creeps back at me. Last night was the third time she found out because I had left an extra window open on my browser. Here is what she said to me via text: "You don't understand. Right now, there is no "us". I wish I didn't marry you. I made a mistake to believe you could change. And the lies only make it worse. So done with lies. I'm choosing to let this angriness take over this time because its easier to hate you than to be hurt by you. Sorry, but third time. We need to figure out how to be business partners, and if we happen again, we do. That's fine, but I'm not putting anything into it anymore. I cannot trust you. I will not do that to myself again. THREE TIMES. I'M AN IDIOT" The hurt was so bad. I cried for an hour and a half. She wanted me to leave her alone, and at first I was adamant about staying with her so I had my arms wrapped around her. She started kicking me so I laid to the side and started bawling; face-cupped in hand with drool and snot pooling in my palms. I must have looked so ridiculous. Nothing has been said to each other since this morning. I truly fear that this is the end. I don't want it to be. I kept repeating "Please don't hate me" as I was crying to her. I do not think I have ever cried so hard in my life. You think I'd learn after the first and second times. I had wanted to attend a Sexaholics Anonymous group at the end of last year, but we were busy moving and it slipped my mind. I keep wondering, if I had gone, would it have changed anything right now? There is a meeting 45 minutes away in another city tonight and one on Thursday. I plan on going-- I want to be better. If not for my wife, then for myself and a possible future someone. I will most likely never regain her trust. I am holding on to that bolded portion even though it probably will not happen. Her exes all did this to her, some more openly than others. I, however, feel like I've been sneaky about it and that hurts much more when you have to hide something. I want help. I need help. I am asking for help. Help. Please.
Sorry to hear your story, J. It's one I'm sure that is shared by many in here. The good news is that you've come to the right place. There are plenty of tools and plenty of support to help you along. But it all starts with you. We can help, but you have to help yourself first. And you have to want this for yourself, to make you a better person, not for your wife or to save your marriage. It may end up saving your marriage, but that can't be the reason you do it.
So in the end, it's for myself. Even if I go though heartbreak to accomplish this task, will it make me a better person? I'm just so new to marriage and have always thought that the first one will be it. Am I going to have to change that perception and stop being naive?
TheEleven is right. For now, the story is about you. Your wife is out of the game. She might join in at a later point, but she needs space now and you should respect that. Any advance that you make now will only make matters worse. Tell her you're sorry, but don't expect anything in return. Make this recovery your top priority. It's going to take all you got. Even if you two don't speak, she'll be watching you. Show her as much respect as you can, and focus on your recovery. Time will tell. I'm sorry there's no quick fix. We're here to assist you.
Thank you everyone. I have never reached out to anyone, even close friends before, because I was so ashamed of the taboo that comes with P. I hope that with a community, I can finally beat this demon and be the man my wife wants me to be— if she come around then great! If not, then at least I will be an improved me.
I am the wife of an addict so I totally get where your wife is. The thing is from your post all I hear is how bad this was FOR YOU. Why not try and put yourself in her shoes and have some empathy towards what she is going through. The only thing you need to do is get better and show her how hard you are working at it. Your relationship is hanging by a thread and it's up to you how it's going to go. I gave my husband 6 months to shape up and he became an extraordinary man in that time. It was hard and there were ups and downs but he never ever went back to PMO. Show her how much you love her and how much this relationship means to you with action.
I know how she feels. It's in the text that she sent me. Empathy? She wants nothing to do with me. We haven't talked all day and It is killing me. I would feel the same way she did if she had done this to me or was talking to another man. That's why it pains me so much to know that she has been faithful where I stray. I am taking action. I'm planning to go to an SA meeting tonight, but everyone keeps saying to do it for myself and not her. I don't know who to listen to. I don't even know by I watch P in the first place.
Did you go to the meeting yesterday? You were planning to go, as far as I remember. The thing is, I don't believe you can change for her. There will be days when you are angry at how she behaves, angry about how she cold-shoulders you or expects too much of you. What about your motivation to change then? It will be all to easy to self-medicate your ego with P then. And your brain will even rationalize that it's her fault now, after all. If you want to change course, do it for yourself. And then see if the new you is enough for her to give it another try.
I did attend. Everyone was very friendly and supportive. I coils not comprehend the concept of doing this for myself though. Wouldn't wanting to do this for my wife also be doing it for myself since I want to make things work? There were already days where I was ticked off and thought "you know what, I'm going to look at P for revenge". I don't want to think like that anymore. We texted back and forth tonight and she won't give me a straight answer as to whether or not she wants me to be out of her life or not. She makes it seem like she wants me gone. She keeps saying things like "heard this sh- before", "you and every other guy"...etc. I don't want to see our marriage end. My eyes have been burning because they've been dried out from crying the last two days. I understand her stance though, this has happened to her in past relationships and several times with me. My wife feels worthless, ugly and unattractive whenever I watch p. She is so gorgeous though— so perfect. She never believes me when I tell her she is beautiful. I want to try to build her trust again but she won't give me the chance.
I'm glad you went. She gave you the chance. And then she gave you another one. This time, she's can't give you the chance if she wants to keep her integrity. But at the same time, she is giving you one. What else would not giving you a straight answer whether she wants you out of her life or not be? You guys are texting - you are communicating. That's as good as it gets right now, and you should make use of it. Cut out the relationship talk for now. She's hurt, she's sore, and she can't have it. This is a time for action. Even if it is hard, be a good, gentlemanlike business partner now. Give her space, and be the guy she fell in love with. Including the moments when no one is watching.
Action is your only friend now. She has not kicked you out till now. That is good. A part of her still loves you. But it may not if you repeat this. It will take a lot of effort, though. You will be rejected a thousand times over but you have to persist. That is all you got. I hope it works out well for you. Don't talk about your possible future relationships, its like you have given up on her. Go there and win her over ! Good luck !
I think doing it to save your marriage is doing it for yourself. I think what people mean is don't do this JUST because she told you too. You seem very motivated to change so just do it. She will likely come around but she needs help too. She married an addict and this has been in other relationships. I had to work on my codependency issues which she probably has as well.
I know. I really just want to know if she wants to end it so I don't have to live with a false sense of knowing that we can get back together. I desperately want to be the guy she fell in love with. I broke down into tears when I read that part of your post. I want to be the guy she fell in love with, not the pervert she knows now. I haven't had urges the past several days. I want to drown myself in Call of Duty or something just so I can stop thinking about this situation since I cannot rectifying at the moment. I have been told not to persist because that will just drive her away, but I've been trying anyway. I'm a pessimist so that is why I speak of future relationships. Especially now when she won't give me the time of day. That is exactly the point, this has been in her other relationships. That is why she says I am just like everyone else. None of her exes, tried this hard to change for her, I don't think. I told her I am attending SAA and joined this forum in hopes of ending my habit, but she calls BS that anything will happen to change my behavior. I am so frustrated. I know I love her deeply. Maybe I am not there on an emotional level to stop my habit yet, but I know it has to end.
You can do this. You CAN do this. You WILL do this. You have the motivation, you have the tools, you have the support. One hour at a time, one day at a time. You WILL do this.
I agree, it is time for action, you need to prove yourself with action, NOT WORDS (you ruined your words' credibility). Give her space and let her know you understand how she feels. That you are taking this seriously, number one priority in life. I feel she could use some info on this, people do not realize how addictive it is, they think it is a choice and it is not that easy as a "choice!" Let her know you are going to fix this no matter what, but you understand she needs the space until you have earned her trust back. Send her links and the video from Your Brain on Porn, Ted Talks, Dr. Oz, so she understands this is a real addiction. The sad thing, since it is so taboo (or behind closed doors) people do not realize how prevalent this is, with young men and married men. It's a crisis in Japan and South Korea. Do your work and it'll pay off. You have to earn what you loss. Hang in there and good luck.
Would it be a bad idea to show her these posts? I have had this addiction since my early college years and never thought anything of it since I wasn't in a relationship. I used to watch significantly more and now it's is only a small fraction, but she doesn't care...I still do it.
In order to rebuild her trust you will have to be 110% honest, more honest with her than you are with yourself. Rebuilding her trust will be on her terms, not yours. You should turn over these posts, you need to be 100% transparent. You need to be honest about your addiction. You need to face it, and all you can hope is after your action, not words, she will see the improvements and start to forgive, start to trust, and then the rebuilding can begin. You also need to reassure her constantly that this is your problem, it has nothing to do with her, and especially her looks. It will be helpful for her to research this addiction herself starting with Your Brain on Porn and Ted Talks. You have to take 100% responsibility, and there cannot be any buts, if, ands, it is just you needing to fix yourself, your problem. Of course any support she is willing to offer will help. But the firs step is yours. Make a good goal, and go after it. Then make another and go after it. Relapse is not an option. You really have to make up your minds. Read about how evil the industry is, how it destroy innocent lives, desperate and helpless girls and women, totally take advantage of and discarded like a disposable cup when the industry is done with them. You need to reconnect with women as people, not sex objects or for your gratification. P really messes your mind up. Time to rewire!
You're shooting your bolt too early. Words won't have any effect with her now. She doesn't care if you talk the talk. You've got to walk the walk. And not just two steps. The whole walk. You can do it. Sorry, there will be no shortcut.
I tried talking to her and ask her what she wonders I do when I go missing. She just gave me short replies saying "I don't want to talk about it" or "It doesn't matter, it's f'd up either way." I've seen the Ted Talk on The Great P Experiment and asked her to watch it too. I do not know if she did. I do not know how to convince her to help me through this if she is being so head strong. All the times that she thinks I went and watched P are times that I may not even have, but she thinks it. My blood was boiling because I couldn't believe she had that little faith in me. I tell her all the time it has nothing to do with her but she doesn't listen. Her ex told her that P can do it much better and he doesn't even need to be with a physical person-- that is stuck in her head. @seventyniner I am trying to walk the walk. I haven't looked at anything in several days, no compulsive feelings, and I've been good. I just need to keep it up. At this point though I think my marriage is over since she does not want to listen.
It'll take time, it'll take actions, not words, be patient. If she wrote you off she wouldn't even talk to you in any manner. Do the work!
