I am in a similar situation and sometimes I see glimmers of hope. I will tell you what I think. First off you need to stop saying me. A lot of your posts say "what she said hurt me", "I feel terrible", "I just want things back". Yeah stop it. You did the crime and you need to stop crying and get to work. Women (according to my research) function strongly on a fear response. You looking at porn triggers that in her and she becomes fearful of loneliness and abandonment just like in all her other relationships. Men work mostly on shame. You are breaking down because you feel inadequate to meet your wife's needs. You shutting down helps nothing and will only push her farther. Imagine a little girl scared and crying all alone. You would help her right. You would forget your troubles and do what was right to fix things for this girl. Your wife is this girl right now so put yourself aside. Don't let anyone tell you if your motives are right and wrong. If you feel that stopping porn to save your marridge is the best possible motivation for you then absolutely do it. We all want whatever will push you to success. I would back off her. She is hurt and will withdraw to her close friends. She may do things that hurt you then. She may confide in them what you did and you will feel a lot of shame and humiliation. Naturally you will want to lash out but remember that you are on the back burner. When you started this addiction you sort of gave up your pride, you just didn't know it yet. Be understanding and push forward. It will hurt more then the withdrawals but we are here for ya. Focus on becoming the best you you can be. Ask yourself what she needs from you to feel secure and decide who you need to be to give that to her. Don't show her these posts. It's annoying and seems desperate which she knows you are. You are in the ocean flapping your arms around trying to prove you can swim but until you make it to shore none of it matters. I would recommend a journal. Buy it without fuss and keep it updated every day. Write about your struggles, write about your triumphs, and write something you love about your wife every single day to remind you this is all worth it. Don't wave this journal around at her and don't write when she's around. When you have a good 15 days in leave it someplace conspicuous like on the bedside table. If she is curious she will read about what you have been doing and will understand your struggles on her own terms not yours. Hell, she might even want to talk about it. 10 days without incident, Seamonkey
It's not her job to help you through this. She needs to tend her wounds now. And you need to let her do that. Leave her alone and do your work. I'm sorry we're all being so hard on you. But there are times when you really really have to learn your lesson and do your homework. Otherwise it's only a short time patch, not a repair. So, how was the second SA meeting?
@Seaminkey I realized that I was using a lot of "I" statements. She has gone to her best friend and told her about me. Like you said, I wanted to lash out. Also, I started a journal back in December but forgot about it. I started journaling again after my first SA meeting on Tuesday. I never knew I had so much to say. Journaling has really helped me the last few days too! I have also been listen to comedy radio on iheartradio— to use humor to deal with this. @seventyniner My next meeting is tomorrow. i am excited to go. It's good that all of you are being hard on me, it brings me to reality and what should be done instead of being delusioned. She is giving me another chance. We barey talked, but she said she will give me another try. I mustn't screw up again. This addiction ruins lives, it is bad, and needs to die!! I will kill it!
Give her time and give her space. Offer to show her your posts here as well as your computer history. Let her know that you are willing to talk openly and honestly about it and answer any questions that she might have, but when she's ready. And when she's ready - be open and honest. She's understandably hurt and may just need to be mad/angry/hurt for a while. Something that I have to remind myself often is that it took me nearly 20 years to get to this point. It will take time to undo all that damage - it won't happen overnight. Your counter says 3 days and 15 hours at the moment, which is great and something to be proud of. But it's just the beginning.
Another wife here, j3hyo. What SeaMonkey said is dead-on. I'm glad that she's given you another chance. Now, you need to earn it. Keep doing the work. Be open and honest and don't fall back into old habits. And remember to give her space and time to heal.
I am speaking as a fellow addict. Please forgive me for being candid. I really have your best interest at heart. In terms of your recovery, the new chance came too quick. All it took was two days of misery, a little drool and snot, one SA meeting, and a membership at NoFap. It's an ugly price to pay, but say in a year from now, it will be just another memory. You can pull it off again, your addict brain will tell you one day soon. Right when your mouse is hovering above the porn site link. You're at a crossroads now. You can keep recovering until she is satisfied and you two can go back to normal. I don't know, a month maybe? "Look, honey, I'm still recovering!" Or you can make this a matter of honor and life and death and keep recovering until porn is out of your life. Yes, out and gone forever. Even if it will take up a lot of your energy and time. Even if you will have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable when your brain says "Give me my fix!". Even if you have to journal day in and day out for the next decade. You've got what you wanted. But you want porn, too. You cannot have both. It's your call.
seventyniner is absolutely right. This is the risk of looking outside yourself for the motivation to break the addiction. If you are doing it for her or to save your marriage, then the fact that she has forgiven you (now or in the future) will remove or reduce your motivation. If you aren't doing this for yourself, to make you a better person and husband, it will be a much harder road. You really need to look inward and figure out what you want for you. That's the only real source of lasting motivation.
Would it be a good idea to set up a time each night or week to recap how I've been doing and feeling and she can do the same? I know she will. We are now on limited talking terms, but I can still feel the hurt and anger in her voice. I wish time would speed up to see where everything ends up. I know that I need to earn my keep. I've never felt so motivated. Then again, that is what I've said the last two times. I hope turning to outside help instead of doing it all by my lonesome works effectively. I really appreciate that you know the cycle. It has been "I'll stop" then somehow I am at my computer watching something dirty several days or weeks later. I have been using the computer less unless for work or to reply on here. I feel like this is good therapy. She said she will give me a chance, but I gave her my wedding ring because it is the next important thing next to her. I told her to let me have it back once she feels me fit to be her husband again, I do not want porn. I do not think I want it. Allow me to use I statements: What I really want for me is not to mess things up again. What I really want is not to have her feel unwanted again. What I want is to be a better husband for her. I want to be the man she fell in love with and for her to love the man I am yet to be.
Let me rephrase your motivations: You want to not mess things up again so your wife doesn't leave, so your wife doesn't feel unwanted, so your wife has a better husband, and so your wife will love you. Do you see what's wrong with this? Don't get me wrong, those are all great things to want. It's good that you want them. But what's missing from all of this is YOU. Look, part of the reason I am here -- part of the reason I want to beat this addiction -- is so I have a better life with my wife. But I would be doing this for me even if there was no chance of it leading there. My motivation is to be a better, healthier person. If my wife left, God forbid, I would still want to be a better, healthier person for my own sake. The impact on my relationship with my wife will be great, but still secondary. If your only motivation is external -- someone else's love, respect, etc. -- you are much more vulnerable. It's great that you're here. Whatever the reason, it's better that you're here than not here. But I (and others) are really trying to help you look inside and find your own motivation to beat this. To find a reason that is about you, not about your wife. I hope you can do that.
I am sorry The Eleven. I don't mean to sound like a jackmule. I'm still having a hard time with getting this idea of doing it for myself. If I'm doing it for her, which is something I want, isn't that doing it for myself? The thing that will keep me going will be the resonating I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. This goes will stay true for my entire life, with or without my wife. I have a constant need to be liked so I will do whatever it takes to please people. I want to start being genuine, not the counterfeit me that I have been. I know that is external though. Where do I start understanding to make this all about focusing on myself and not the feelings of others?
I think your last statement was on the right track. Generally wanting to be the kind of person people like and trust is more internal than only wanting to be the kind of person your wife wants you to be. Think of it this way: If your wife changed her mind and left you today, for good (let's hope not, but let entertain the thought for a split second in your mind), would you still want to quit porn? It sounds like you would, and THOSE reasons are what will eventually keep you going. My motivations for NoFap started with my girlfriend, but are only recently beginning to extend beyond that. My answer to the question above would be "yes," and not surprisingly, I'm in the middle of one of my longest streaks, with the intention of doing a full 90-day+ reboot. That being said, if her text is what is keeping you from PMO today, then that is motivation enough for now. But as she comes back into your life, eventually the painful memory of the text and this incident will fade like the others have, and you need something else to hold on to. This may be a lifelong struggle. I had a friend who was 50 years sober, and said he wanted a drink every day until the day he died. But it got easier to say "no" every day as well.
This statement of yours never left me. I kept returning to it in my mind, thinking, could it really be that the guy is just a random P consumer? But you're not. And I'm not sure if you're aware that you've just disclosed the reason. Let me quote it: There you have it. Why was it so terrible and frightening when your wife said it was over? Why did you cling to her when it all came down? Why did you repeat "Please don't hate me"? Because your nightmare came true. She stopped liking you. And you're willing to do anything just to make her like you again. But why? Because, somehow, her liking you or not seems to be in direct correlation to you liking yourself or not. You're letting her determine your worth. Now we're making progress. Why watch P? Well, those girls, they like you. They drool over you. All they want is you! They'll gladly get naked, because they like you so much. Whenever your like-tank is getting low, you just need to watch some P to fill it up. One click and feel special. Now that you're cutting off that supply, you'll run into a problem soon. What if your wife is cross with you exactly at the moment when you feel unliked? What to do then? Here's my suggestion and something for you to work at: You need to come to terms with yourself. Accept who you are (and who you can be). Reduce your dependency on that constant stream of "Liking"-signals. Stand for yourself. When you do, this journey will be more about yourself AND about making this marriage work. (I hope you realize that I was talking to myself, too.)
Like yourself, and others will like you. (And if they don't, then too bad for them). But to like yourself, you have to know yourself. And to know yourself, you have to be ready, willing and able to take an honest look at yourself. A little dimestore psychoanalysis: Why do you feel the need to make others happy? Who in your past are you afraid of disappointing? Once you understand this, you can start the process of letting go of that need and working on yourself. When you are happy with yourself, others will be happy with you....
Is it not possible to hold on to the pain to remind me of what I've done? Do I find a new addiction: exercise, video games...pouring my energy into some other creative outlet? Last night we talked a little. She told me she never wants to have kids if we fix things because then she "will be out of commission" and P is readily available 24/7. When she said that, it really, really stung. I one a child one day. This is what that italic part of your post made me think of. I sat awhile by myself yesterday thinking about everything that led me to this point. My wife has given me every high I need, a permanent high. Knowing that I get to be with this wonderful person the rest of my life was my ultimate dream. Porn is temporary and makes me feel shame, hate, and makes me want to inflict pain on myself do to the guilt-- my wife makes me feel none of that. I think I fear letting my parents down. I've always had that fear. Not to stereotype, but I am Asian so I was always comparing myself to others in my family. I grew up with my cousins who were always so studious, whereas I just wanted to play. Today, those same cousins are successful: the oldest is an accountant, the middle-child is a radiologist, and the youngest is a RN. I work with dogs. How can my parents be proud of me for that, especially when they do not like dogs? My mom paid for my college. The first year I went to a state school and was kicked out the end of the first year due to low grades-- I had an addiction to online gaming at the time. The rest of my college years I took hip hop dance classes, art, tennis...things that did not matter. I ended up with a degree in a social science, because that is the degree people get when they still don't know what they want to do. I moved to California to work in a nail salon; my mom paid for that schooling too. I ended up ending that career after a few months. My parents also wanted me to marry another Vietnamese girl, they had preconceived notions about white people, which is what my wife is. I want to make this marriage work and prove them that their profiling is nothing but false. I don't mean to make it sound like my wife is just a trophy, I really do love her and my parents like her now too.
Man i think is time to make this change for you, not just for her, obviously you're in pain because your relationship and need to get rid of this addiction once for all. I'm glad that you're here, looking forward to read about your progress. I'm sure that if she give you 3 chances before, she'll change her mind about you if you show her that you can do this. It'll be hard af but it is possible
I faced similar issues in therapy (it isn't only Asians who fear disappointing their parents). In the end, it's pretty straight forward: This is your life. You get to decide what to do with it. Your parents don't. They can love you as you are or not. You can't control that. All you can do is make the best decisions you can and make yourself available to them. But you have to stop trying to make them happy. All you can do is make yourself happy.
Hi j3hyo This is a very interesting thread. Those telling you that you need to put in the work and walk the walk are exactly right. You are making one of the most important decisions of your life by quitting porn. You have a long road ahead of you. It will not be easy. But if you can stay clean, it will be worth it. For now I can suggest reading the user EverettSmith14's journal. I hope it's ok to link it here. Admittedly, the outcome of his struggle is not ideal, yet he has shown courage and dedication throughout his journey. I think you may be able to learn a thing or two from him. Regards NoBrainer
j3hyo, I encourage you to hold onto the pain to remind you of what you have done. But in my experience, that pain does fade a little, seem less severe, etc., especially as your relationship with your wife gets better. I also wondered why the pain from the other times she has caught you wasn't enough. I think there are many success stories of people who put their energies into another creative outlet: exercise, art, music, cooking. Maybe not video games. Ideally you want to choose a new hobby or habit (maybe not "addiction") that will improve your life.
All the input that people have given are gone due to the update. I wish I could respond to it. I just want to let people know that I am currently almost 3 weeks sober and continuing to go to SAA meetings. My wife still has her doubts but is ready to work with me. She has read up on some other people's experiences and realizes that I cannot do this on my own, but that she also cannot be my policeman. Currently, there are passwords on the ipad, this laptop, the desktop, and the ps4 as a precaution. Just this Friday, I started crying to her and started to wonder if P is my issue, because I have not had any wants to watch P, or if it is that I cannot find love and value for myself.
Congratulations on 3 weeks!! I'm so glad that she's willing to work with you, j3! You may be on to something with what you said in your last paragraph... Many times, addicts start using their substance of choice as a way to deal with or avoid other, underlying issues. It's really common for addicts to suddenly discover these issues once they get clean. Those underlying issues are also often a cause of relapse. Have you considered counseling? If you're interested in going that route, there's a good chance that people at your SAA meetings may be able to recommend good therapists in your area. I work in the MH field and I've also found that counseling has been helpful for me from time to time when I'm trying to work through something, if only to have someone I don't feel guilty about talking to about my problems because they're PAID to listen to me, and would be out of work if it wasn't for people with issues
