I really need some help. War with my own mind.

Hello everyone.

I am new here. Im a 23 y/o from the Netherlands and i have at the moment a relationship for a year and a half with a beautifull girl. She is 18. In s*x she gives me everything i want. In the normal way of life she is a good person too. She cleans up, makes food for us when we are only with the 2 of us and likes almost all the same hobbys as me, and she makes good progress at school. Afcourse everyone has his down points. She has it to but some things are for the age i think. They will go away in the time she gets older.
We also have every week s*x if shes 4 days with me we have 3 times s*x. She has a higher libido than me sometimes. But thats not a problem.

She also has a pretty st*nning body. Just perfect. Sometimes when i look at myself i think, why do i deserve such a good looking girl like her? But she really likes me the way i am and look.



Here comes the story from the beginning till now.



I discovered my pmo problem like 4 months ago. Before that i knew there was something different about me. It didnt feel right like how i felth myself a couple of years ago. In that time, i dit more on my own fantasy fap. Not much p*rn. And looked at a other not so massive perfect looking way to girls. Even my erections changed. I started watching p*rn when i was 14 years old. At that time i was at the most a pretty shy boy. I didnt had a lot of self respect and self confidence. At that time at school i had some gfs. But not longer then 3 months. Sometimes 2-3 weeks. I only kissed them sometimes. I didnt dare to do more till the age of 16-17. I got to the gym, hang more around with friends and got every weekend out with friends. At that time i felth myself better. At that time i was not really addicted to p*rn. And i fantasyed with my own mind on pretty girls that i knew from that time. I only watched a couple of times a week. And sometimes nothing for days. When i hitted the 18 I also gamed a lot in that time. Got a little fatter. But still no addiction. Just a natural person. I also started smoking weed. But not that much. Once a 2 weeks i think. At the age of 19 i had my first long relationship for most then a year. and had my first s*x in my life. It was her first time too. Still no addiction and problems. Only after a year we broke up and she had after 1 week a other guy. A pretty muscled big mouth. He talked already to her for some weeks before the break up. It hitted me very hard. It felth so painfull. I never felth so much pain in my life. I felth myself bad for weeks to 2-3 months in depression. After a half year. I beated her guy up to the hospitle. Face to face. My mind told me that it was the moment for revenge. After that i got peace with myself. Nothing special happened after.

At the 3th month of depression and using anti-depressiva. I met a very inpressive girl that i knew for years. For the first time in all those years we had a date and it was great. Besides the pills i had and that downed my libido, i still liked her like all those years. And after the date we grown a small relationship. But.. the s*x was bad because i didnt had any good er*ction because of the pills i had. But she didnt care at all and respected it. We had s*x even without good erection. She still liked it. Good so far..
After a good month suddenly she didnt say much to me. And it got worser every day. I heart from another person that here ex got back in town. She got back to him and left me behind.. another hit in my face like a brick. But i didnt feel a lot of pain because of the pills i had.

The pills gave a some kind of flatline. So not much stress. But still it hitted me again. After that i quited the pills myself because i didnt needed them anymore. I wanted my er*ection and feelings back. So slow it happened and i was pretty normal again. But some where after that the p*rn got worser with the months. After a small time of no relations i met a girl on a event i was. I knew her but not personal. After that she liked me very much and wanted a relation with me. I told her that i didnt was 100% myself and had a bad time at my back. I still was a little depressed and had not much self confidence. Because i lost in all those time 10 kg, Didnt eat healthy anymore, watched more p*rn and i smoke weed everyday from when i was 20 till now the day. I didnt go to the gym anymore after the breake up with the first love. All those things happened btw after that. But she didnt care about the depression and gave me hope. But after 3 months the fun got far away. She used cocaine behind my back. I payd everything for her. There was no limit. In that time i came 3-4 times already after 1 minute. Sometimes i had feelings that p*rnstars where better then her. Because she hadnt a lot of b**b.
But she did me like one and i liked it pretty much..

I got only worser. After 6 months total she left me because i was not what she wanted in her life. And after 2-3 weeks she already got a other guy. Muscled with a good job and likes partys. He also uses drugs shit and that stuff. I was broken again for weeks up to 2-3 months. I felth like everyone can not be trusted after that. I got more and more in the p*rn, every day sometimes 2-3 times a day. I also smoked weed every night before sleeping the past 3 years. The nights getting longer and i sleeped longer. Didnt want to life healthy and eat 80% junkfood. Didnt want to do things where are a lot of people are. Didnt go to the pub anymore. And only wanted to be with my real friends that i knew my whole life. I didnt want new people. After a small time i met a girl that really looked bautyfull. She looked a little like a p*rnstar to me. We had some dates and had after 2 weeks s*x. But when i saw her pretty flat body and nothing special to it my brain told me like this is not what you want. Only her face is beautifull but not her body. But still i felth love with her.

But.. again i got broken. She invited me to her home with 2 friends of her and we drinked a little and after that we wanted to go to the pub. It was second christmas day. Later that night a saw her kissing a other guy in the corner. I made a pic and left to home. I sended the pic and told her to leave me alone and never ever try to contact me because i really wanted to destroy her. I was really doomed mad. After that it felth like i was done with love. It hurted me and didnt gave me happyness only sadness and tears.

Before, and more after that i wachted almost every night p*rn and smoked weed. Didnt had a job ether at that time. Just hanging around. Made some penny by selling car stuff i bought in bulk. So i still had money. At that time. Watching p*rn changed. My eyes and mind only wanted to see b*sty milfs with oil on them r*ding and s*cking hard. Hot girls with stockings and big b**bs riding and s*cking. I didnt want any flat girl scenes. Only the best of the best. At that time i saw different to girls too. At every place i started more and more looking to b*tss and b**bs good looking make up faces. It felth like i deserved them. That i didnt want the real natural girls around me. They looked ugly in my eyes if they didnt had anything what a p*rnstar has. And it continued like that till this day. I didnt saw the problem.

Now......

When i met the girl above the story that is still my girl, in the beginning we had a lot of s*x. Not because of me but because she really liked it. At the first weeks/months 2-3 times a day. She even wanted to wear lingerie same as the p*rnstars had. Wanted oiled massages everything. It felth like my extreme dreams came true. She has a pretty good body too. A good 75B + and a cute face with a good body. But then.. After 3 months she wanted a relationship with me. After i accepted the stress came in. A fear of that i am gonna get broken again. I was scared of loving her. It was very hard to love her because of the self defence i builded in that years. But still i was happy with her without love in my mind. I knew in my mind that when i like a girl, i really like her and dont let her go. And we are now 1,5 years together. Thats not without reason for me. But the problems only got worser. More pied, more faster coming. It wasnt fun for her. At some time i even compare her with other good looking girls to see if she has more then them, comparing her to p*rnstars and looking witch one looks the most at her. So i can fap on them. It even got so bad somethimes that i didnt want s*x with her, or when we are doing it the only way to hold my c*ck hard is thinking about p*rnstars that looked a little about her. I even cant fantasy anymore about girls or her. Only p*rn.. i got a little depressed because i wanted really to love her, and wanted to be good in bed like years ago when i was pretty normal and healthy without all of this. That is what she really deserves.. so i got googling about weak erections and more.



Now the nofap story.



After that i found yourbrianonp*rn and nofap, or storys from people who had the same problem. I didnt believe my eyes. Did p*rn really f*cked my brain so hard? Why i am not fully sexually attracted to her and have all those problems with my little man? Because if i dont like a girl it wont least longer then 2-3 weeks with her. I am now for a year and a half with her, so what is the problem was i thinking? After that i decided that this most stop. I finally have a girl thats happy with me and that i really like. And because we have much common things the same. Thats what i need.

So i readed this site and i started pmo and i am on 5 weeks now. The first week was not pretty hard. Only peeked some b**b gifs and some pictures. But it didnt feel right so i tried to stop everything. After the first week i picked her up to be with me for the weekend and i felth damn great. Strange great, But damn happy. Even my head tried to trick me. But the happiness was so ultra high at that moment. At that moment it got night and i really wanted to give her everything. Like a vip package. Oiled massage, Oral things and good s*x with a good erection. So i did and i felth like a god or something. At this moment there where like 10 days of nofap passed.



Here it comes..



After that weekend, Day 12 of nofap was coming. I woke up and felth myself really messed up. I had no energy left and everything sucked. I hated myself, I didnt want to do anything the whole day. This feeling got worser that week. I felt depressed, i didnt want to sleep, eat not much, didnt clean my room just nothing. A hated myself a lot. The days passed that week and the feeling was the same. Because all the thinking that week my brian was empty. I had no energy left. That weekend we got to a festival with some friends of us. I saw a girl there. I dont know if i can say it here but she looked like N*kki b*nz. Same face and hair as 1 of the scenes. I got crazy in my head and i didnt forgot her face for the past 2 days.. It was really strange and weird.. at the and of the week it was something like day 17.

The next week starting day 19 of nofap got worser.
I had sex again and i felth good. But not as good as in the first week. I started to look at every woman that passed me. I saw good looking girls as h**kers and wanted to f*ck them all.
But forgot them pretty quickly. When i didnt saw a face i made a turn in the shop or mart because i really wanted to know how she looked. Its so messed up.. Even at social media every woman that passes.. i need to have a quick look at them. When they didnt look good my mind was like nevermind walk on. Over and over again. I even looked the next days at my girl if she had everything correct as my head wanted. Is she maybe to fat? Are her arms good or to much or to less? Are those b**bs big enough? Damn where are those bigger lips, are her legs to fat? How are her b**bs hanging? I got so crazy. That week i even peeked again 1-3 times. Gifs and pics on google but no vids.

Week 4 like day 26, Same as week 3. But started to took off a little bit. Week 3 had flatline also. Week 4 had more flatline and depression. More uninterested feelings. Got irritated at my girl if she did something wrong. But when i was with her i felth good. And told her that i love her very much.
But my head... I really have a war at the moment in my mind. My mind tells me to drop her. Get everything what i saw and do them all. It also tried to let me google again when i went to bed. I did it like 1 time that week. It was a horrible week. I felth soulless.

Now we are week 5, like day 33.
The feelings for everything goes up and down. From happy to sad. And from sad to happy. Small depressions and angers. Moments of thinking about p*rn and all the hot perfect woman. Still watching everything on the streets if someone looks like a p*rnstar or a st*nning m*ilf. Even small girls or older woman. Every damn face.... i even looked a couple of times at her younger sister that is 13 years old. Damn im f*ckup lads.

Now im today. It is a very long story. Its from the beginning till today.

I really want to feel normal love and respect for my lady again.. It has ups and downs. I even cried 1 time in the last 2 weeks because i have a damn war going on with myself.

Please anyone tell me that time will heal this mess i made.. i have been watching p*rn for almost 10 years. Damn..


Greetings

 

Thankyou for your message.
Did you read it fully? It was a long story. But its strange that you dont say anything about the junkfood or the weed. Those are not healthy 2 at some point.

I read a lot of storys on the website. But only a couple of them gave me hope. There was somewhere a reaction like: Just dump her. This is all a lie. You are the addiction. And not the porn. If someone is placing comments like that i really get depressed. Please block persons like that. They dont deserve to be here. It got only worser when i read comments like that. It doesnt give me any hope. Today i really feel like shit.. I didnt sleep well. Im broken for today. And i had the whole day woman in my head. Big b**bs and other girls that passed my work place today. It was horrible.. But at the other side i started to miss my girlfriend damn much over the day. I got very happy when i received a message from her. Like 15 minutes later i felt bad again. Also i dont feel anything. No love, no happiness, low libido, very tired, not my brain at my work, just another depressive sh*t day.. how long will this take? I get sadder every day...

 

Thankyou for your reply.

Its just so hard.. today was another slaughter for me. The whole day p*rn in my head. My brain told me today like 30 + times that i wanted to watch p*rn or naked woman. After that i tinked about my gf that she f*cked me. It was a good feeling but when it got away i felt bad again.. How long will this pain go on. It really destroys me at some points of the day. I just ask for 1 thing. And that is normal love feelings again. That is the only thing what i ask.