Porn addiction - my experience and recent scientific insights

Last update: 15/08/2019

Short intro

Compulsive masturbation from 12 years old (I started masturbating from age 5). Pornography addiction from age 16 until age 38. Various substance addictions from age 18 to +/- 30.

Feel free to skip what you want to skip and only read what interests you. There's no set order really.

Some interesting scientific details:

• 72% of sex/porn addicts have experienced physical abuse, 81% sexual abuse and 97% emotional or pedagogic neglect (this includes attachment issues)
• 87% of sex/porn addicts have attachment issues
  
• sex/porn addiction often goes together with substance abuse (marijuana, cocaine, alcohol, ...)
• sex/porn addiction often goes together with personality or mood disorders

References:
Trubendorfer, D., Schepers, K. (2017). Als lust een last wordt. De Psycholoog, september 2017, 53-58.
Benfield, J. (2018). Secure Attachment: An Antidote to Sex Addiction? A Thematic Analysis of Therapists’ Experiences of Utilizing Attachment-Informed Treatment Strategies to Address Sexual Compulsivity. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 25, 12-27.
Paul Rosenberg, K., Carnes, P., O'Connor, S. (2014). Evaluation and Treatment of Sex Addiction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(2), 77-91.
Where it all comes down to

Basically - as with substance abuse - porn/sex addiction is a way to numb emotional distress as a result of trauma and/or disorders. This is the pattern:

trauma/disorder -> depression/anxiety -> sex/porn (insert any other drug) -> temporary relief -> quickly diminishing relief interval -> more depression/anxiety -> more sex/porn (insert any other drug)

People with pathological impulse control issues are extra vulnerable to this repeating pattern and may completely loose control.

My story and experiences

I have an anxious-avoidant attachment issue. I had an emotionally unstable mother and an emotionally avoidant father in a cold emotionless marriage. As a consequence I did not learn to recognize and cope with emotions as children with more loving parents would have learned. There was no physical or sexual abuse, 'just' a very unsafe psychological environment (which is no less damaging).

About 75% of people have some kind of attachment issue - there are few perfect parents out there it seems - but not all of them are as serious.

As a child I learned that it was bad to show emotions. So I kept them inside and I numbed them with drugs and porn when I grew older.

It's scary when you think about it but attachment style (safe or anxious) is determined in the first 4 years of our lives and can not be changed afterwards (!). Therefore, parents have a tremendous responsibility for the future of their child those first few years.

As a child

I was 5 when I learned about masturbation. I don't remember it very well of course, but I do remember that I already masturbated a lot from that early age on. Reading some scientific literature on the topic it seems to be prevalent in children developing - among others - an attachment disorder.

Masturbation became a problem when I went to high school at age 12. I experienced a lot of stress and anxiety: new school, new people, new teachers, etc... This was one of the consequences of being anxiously attached. Especially exam periods would be very stressful, to such extent that I would masturbate close to 20 times a day when I had to study, which was a very destructive pattern (as you can imagine).

During my first maths exam and I was só anxious that I masturbated DURING the exam for relief. Nobody noticed because I did it very subtle and I didn't need much because of the immense stress I felt. I realized it was not normal behavior but I was too young to connect the dots and too ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

This destructive stress-masturbation pattern made me hate studying for the rest of my life. I survived high school with good grades, but I failed university because of it.

As an adolescent

At 16 - it was 1997 - we got an internet connection at home and it didn't take long to get hooked on porn. I think I masturbated to porn on a daily basis from age 18.

I also drank quite a lot of alcohol when going out, and recreational marijuana use paved the way for an addiction a few years later at age 20. I started marijuana because it was fun and many of my peers were doing it, but it quickly became a way to numb all those emotions locked inside of me.

As an adult

Depression set in around age 20. I coped with it by watching porn and smoking marijuana. At the same time however I started reading books about depression and addiction; I've always been interested in science and how things work, so I went looking for what was wrong with me. I also went to see some therapists and enrolled in a mindfulness course. This helped with my first steps getting a clear view on my issues, but I wasn't able to connect all the dots just yet.

At age 22 I got so tired of marijuana that I quit (together with smoking). One of the best decisions in my life.

Pornography however was still ramping up. At age 22 I started to realize that it was not normal to masturbate for hours on end, but I still categorized it as being a very sexual young man. Additionally I had a girlfriend at the time and the porn didn't interfere with the sex or relationship, so there wasn't much reason for me to see it as problematic behavior.

And so I went on until at age 28 it finally got to me that I had a problem: for the first time I experienced difficulty having sex. I was still able to but my erections weren't what they used to be and it got me thinking.

As an adult - cocaine and alcohol

At 28 I discovered cocaine as a great addition to porn. Luckily I didn't do that for a long time because the detrimental effects of it were quickly there to remind me that drugs are a real bad idea.

My alcohol consumption ramped up at around 30 years old, but after 3 months of daily drinking I also came to the conclusion I needed to quit that (and I did).

I seem to have a safety switch that kicks in when doing drugs.

Why I couldn't quit porn

So I dealt with all my addictions except porn. From age 28 until 38 my porn addiction only got worse. My relations suffered, my social life, my work, my self-esteem, in short: my whole being. I won't go too much into detail because you all know how it goes.

At age 30, with help of a therapist, I finally realized I had a porn addiction and an attachment disorder.

My first serious attempt to quit porn was in 2014 at age 33. After that 2017 and 2018. I relapsed every time because I did not tackle the root cause for my addiction: my inability to cope with a wide variety of emotions.

One of them is love. There was a time I absolutely hated love: I hated it in myself and I absolutely hated it when seeing it between other people. I remember almost having to puke when a couple proposed to each other in public. No wonder since I never saw love between my parents, and was denied love from them. So my coping strategy as a child was to lock up love and never let it out. Love equaled loosing and so I hated it.

Anger. I swallowed my anger towards my parents, only to let it out when I suppressed so much of it that it erupted like a volcano.

Sadness. I swallowed my sadness for what I had become, a failure.

Fear. The emotion that decided about all my life's choices. I never chose anything because I wanted something - I've never known what I wanted - I've always chosen things out of fear: university, jobs, girlfriends, activities, ... And I chose wrong, all the time, because fear is bad advice (especially in people with attachment issues and alike).

Shame. To have failed university. To not have found my purpose in life. For locking myself up in my room and watch porn endlessly.

Guilt. Because I couldn't cope with my emotions I ended up hurting people, especially girlfriends. I broke up with some in ways that were just plain traumatizing. I can still feel the guilt more than 10 years after.

All those emotions were sitting there inside of me. And the only way to keep them under control was to watch porn. Or snort cocaine. Or blow weed. Or drink alcohol. And I quit all my addictions at age 30, except porn, but it could have been any other drug really.

How I finally quit - advice

Well, first of all, and this is probably the most important step: I stopped watching porn. That's step number one, obviously This is actually not as hard as you would think, provided that you tackle the root cause that's keeping it alive, which is coping with all those suppressed emotions in my case.

Personally, I would strongly recommend anyone to get professional help. Especially if you're still in the process of finding out the root cause for your addiction.

I found out my root cause over a period of 20 years (!), with help of books and a few therapists. That's a long time in which I learned a lot and so I am finally ready quit porn on myself. But if you aren't as far as I am it's going to be way more difficult to do on your own.

You might have a personality disorder, a mood disorder, an attachment issue (like me), or a mix of several issues. They're all different and need different solutions. Again, it's going to be hard doing that all by yourself.

I would go so far to say that addictions never are the source of issues, always the consequence. Take away the real source and your addiction will melt like snow in the sun.

I'm working on recognizing and coping with my emotions. I sit down in the sofa, make sure it's quiet, and I write down what I feel: sadness, fear, love, ... I don't try to over analyze it, just feel my emotions and write them down.

I'm also writing down my strategies to avoid emotions. Porn obviously being the biggest one. But binge watching Netflix sure is another. It helps to know this so I can recognize what's going on when it happens.

I also try to be more open about my emotions to people. Recently I felt love for a good (girl)friend of mine, so I told her so. And even though she felt somewhat weird, it felt good that I was able to say so (and she didn't run away).

By recognizing and accepting my suppressed emotions I slowly chip away at the root cause of my porn addiction. It isn't always easy because my emotions can become pretty intense now that I cannot numb them anymore, but the benefits are tremendous... and I've only just started!

Why #days without PMO does not matter

The number of days you've quit porn don't matter. You can bite your nails for 90 days, chances are that you will relapse if you - again - don't handle the root cause for your porn addiction. I wouldn't say it's impossible, so don't let me discourage you, I'm just saying your chances are greatly improved if you look into your mechanism of addiction and work on it.

Also, if you're not working on the root cause there's a chance you will substitute your porn addiction with something else. I cannot repeat this enough: getting rid of an addiction is working on the root cause. There is no alternative.

Relapses are not failure

Relapses are not failure. I have relapsed a lot in the past. I believe they are a necessary evil that allow you to hit rock bottom.

Now don't get me wrong, the goal is to quit porn and relapses get in the way of that, I'm not questioning that. It's just that addictions often need the time to manifest themselves until you get só tired of them that you become determined to quit, for real. For me, a relapse meant that I wasn't tired enough of it and I allowed myself to continue the addiction.

I can assure you, if you hit rock bottom you will know it. And if you combine it with working on the root cause , you will find it surprisingly easy to quit.

I have now quit porn for only 6 weeks, but I know in my heart that I quit for real this time.

About withdrawal effects

Withdrawal effects when quitting porn are mainly psychological. It can make you feel totally miserable if you don't work on the root cause for your addiction (I keep repeating this until it's in your head ). Which makes perfect sense: you have used porn - probably for years - to cope with negative emotions. Now you've taken away porn and those negative emotions will pop up.

It is important you invest time in recognizing these emotions, feel and allow them, without panicking. That's why it's equally important to seek professional help because this is the hardest part. Quitting porn is easy, coping with all the emotions that will suddenly appear is not (or any other disorder you might be having).

These are not withdrawal effects, these are natural feelings anyone has, it's just that an addict doesn't know what to do with them. A good analogy is blind or deaf people that can hear or see again after a surgical procedure: it's an overwhelming experience for them, and it takes time to implement their new senses in their daily life. They are not experiencing withdrawal effects from not hearing or not seeing, they're experiencing life to the fullest for the first time! That's exactly what happens when you quit porn: you start feeling again. Which is a good thing, but you need the psychological tools to cope with it in a good way.

One quick tip that saved me a few times

There are times when I'm sitting at my computer - which I cannot avoid - and I suddenly feel the urge to watch porn. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I grab my desk firmly with both hands, and I keep that way until the urge subsides. The idea is simple: if my hands are grabbing my desk I cannot watch porn or masturbate.

Works pretty well for me.

To end

I may keep editing this post. I've written this in roughly 2 hours, which is rather quickly, and I'm sure I can polish this up.

Thank you for reading and good luck.

 

Thank you.

First of all I want to be clear that I do not want to stay away from masturbation and sex. We are sexual beings by nature and I have no desire to go against that. I do have a porn addiction and I keep away from that, including a TEMPORARY withdrawal from masturbation and sex to support that.

That being said:

• I implement time to feel my emotions, write them down and allow them
  
• I talk to my friends about it
• I've enrolled in a windsurfing course (because it seems cool, forces me to interact with people and gets me outside)
• When sitting at my computer, I hold my desk firmly with my two hands when I feel the urge to watch porn

 

You're welcome.

 

In my experience most addictions are psychological (with the exception of alcohol, heroine and alike). But that may not be the case for everyone, so, it's still just my experience. I do not want to offend your way of experiencing, or discredit it too much.

That said , every time I hear people talk about quitting smoking - for example - it's like they're going to die. These people invent withdrawal effects fueled by the general belief - also by the medical world - that quitting smoking is incredibly hard. It's mass delusion, a self-created reality in the minds of people.

My first attempts to quit smoking came with all kinds of withdrawal effects, because at that time I believed there was no other way: suffering when quitting. Then I read the book about quitting smoking by Allen Carr who looks at smoking in a whole different way, a great way (!), and then I quit smoking without experiencing any withdrawal effect at all. That, for me, was an eye-opening experience and proof of the power of our mind (both positive and negative).

And now I have quit porn with a similar mindset, and again, no withdrawal effects. For more than 20 years I've been fapping behind this desk I'm now sitting at, typing this post. I could easily open a browser window and go to my 'favorite' porn site, but I... just... don't... feel... the need. I'm perfectly fine.

So. With respect to your experience, and the brain scans, it's just not there for me. And I believe that same power is there for many of the people here, as long as the root cause of their porn/drug abuse is being addressed and when they're aware that withdrawal may well be self-fabricated (again, with respect to your experiences).

 

The research is Dutch so I decided not to reference it. But if you understand Dutch:
- Trubendorfer, D., Schepers, K. (2017). Als lust een last wordt. De Psycholoog, september 2017, 53-58.

Oh, and I forgot, I checked 2 other research articles as well:
- Benfield, J. (2018). Secure Attachment: An Antidote to Sex Addiction? A Thematic Analysis of Therapists’ Experiences of Utilizing Attachment-Informed Treatment Strategies to Address Sexual Compulsivity. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 25, 12-27.
- Paul Rosenberg, K., Carnes, P., O'Connor, S. (2014). Evaluation and Treatment of Sex Addiction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(2), 77-91.

Actually and inevitably it is our parents' fault since they're the ones who decided to put us on this planet. That isn't to say we don't have any responsibility, but the effect of parental nurture on children on how they grow up is so tremendous it cannot be dismissed.

But I definitely agree it's not a god's fault since that's most probably a made up construct by the human brain.