My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Okay incredible sex last night and a nice quickie this morning. You would think everything would be roses when I start a journal out like that. Unfortunately I had about an hour or so today where I was feeling very down. I was thinking of the beginning of our relationship and some of the same stuff that we are dealing with now. I haven't really been able to work out any of these feelings until now so today 8 years worth of relationship hurt came crashing down on my head. Haggis has been very supportive and is trying to help me through this. I do feel worlds better after talking to him about everything but now he feels like shit. It is a vicious cycle that we keep going through, he feels better and I feel worse or he feels worse and I feel better. There are way more good days then bad days and I know that. That is what I need to focus on. We will work through this too.

One of the things that bothers me the most is him thinking of other women while he is having sex with me. I told him I am not a hole. He will not just use my body and think of someone he would rather be in bed with. And I wonder why my self esteem is almost obliterated. He has not done this in almost 3 months and I don't need to keep bringing up old issues to him. I need to find peace and let it go- easier said than done though. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought of how he used to use me. But again, this is in the past and why do I keep bringing it up over and over? Damn this is hard. He is worth it and I will keep moving forward.

 

Silvaticus- wow. Thank you so much for that. I agree with everything you said. I have bad days but they are getting fewer and fewer! Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS---------------Today was great. I had a test this morning that didn't go very well but I didn't let it ruin my day. I have good enough grades in that class that this test wont bring me down so much. I have found it a little difficult to focus as well on school this semester but I'm sure that has a lot to do with what has been going on the past 85 days. I will finish school and I don't need to constantly worry myself about it. I will do my best and I will finish.

So we had sex 3 times yesterday, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. That was a pretty cool feeling. I went out today after my test and before work and got some undergarments. He has been going crazy trying to sneak peaks since he came home. He is like a teenage boy with me right now, and you know what? I'm totally good with that- I have been missing this for so long. We even had some "sexy" text messages this afternoon. It's really cool to be able to see him at work too, very comforting. We don't work together because we do different things but we are still in the same building and I see him pass by my desk every so often. I give him a big smile, he comes over and gives me a big kiss and tries to cop a feel (haha). I feel so good about everything and am glad things are going better than yesterday, I haven't had any negative thoughts today.

6 days until I have reached my goal of nothing but water to drink for 90 days, I haven't bitten my nails in 4 days, I am almost completely off of my medication (one more week to go). Good things are happening and I need to focus on this. Haggis will have reached his goal 3 days after my birthday- can anyone say BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER?? I'm so incredibly proud of him and damn he is sexy.

Alright everyone, have a great night, stay strong and good luck!!

 

Today was good. Went to class, brought some treats up to Haggis at work, visited my "other" mom in the hospital (she is okay), went back to class, came home and cooked dinner. Haggis cleaned up the kitchen and now we are sitting down to write our journals.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS-------------Life is so different now. I remember about 4-5 months ago I was trying to figure out ways to spice up our sex life. I would text Haggis and he would come up with some pretty off the wall stuff (probably the P talking) and the messed up thing is, I was willing to do these things because I just wanted to have sex with my husband. NOW- today we were texting back and forth and talking about some of the things we were going to do tonight and for the first time, I didn't feel uncomfortable. Of course I was willing to do those things but only to please him. Now when we talk about doing stuff (things that are a little out of the ordinary) I just get really excited, not uncomfortable at all. He also isn't into the really weird stuff anymore, which is pretty cool for the moment. I'm not saying we can't branch out one day but for now and probably the next 25 years (haha) we probably shouldn't visit some of the things that he brought up. I also reminded him, you think it would be hot to do the things you have brought up but once we were in the moment, I don't think you would be so keen on some of the things you brought up. He agrees.

Tomorrow I make my last transition to be off of this medication once and for all. I feel great, I don't feel foggy anymore, I feel like myself for the first time since I was a child. My self-esteem is coming back and it feels really good to be healthy again. I have no complaints what so ever today.

On another note, Haggis has gotten very large, if you catch my drift. His erections are so strong and I swear he grew an inch. It's amazing. I bent over the other day and he got hard. He is so different.

So on those good notes, I will probably sign off and go spend some time with Haggis.

Thanks once again to everyone who helps support Haggis and me. Your support is helping me heal, and I will be forever grateful, y'all are wonderful.

 

Limeaid, thank you for your post.It truly helps to know I'm not alone and to have people that know what I am going through and can offer advice. I do catch myself wondering if he is looking at every hot thing that walks by but I can't stop him from doing that. I can hope that he respects me and my feelings enough to not fantasize about every piece of ass he walks by. I do think he is trying.

He is a little down right now because of another bout of ED but I know he didn't PMO and that this is just part of the journey so it doesn't bother me like it used to. I did ask if I did something or if it was me but thinking about it, I know it isn't me. I'm not disappointed at all. I've been getting a gracious plenty of sex lately and I know he just got into his own head. He said he was nervous. Par for the course.

Thanks again for the post!

 

Happy birthday to me! Haggis took me to breakfast and dinner today, it was so sweet! Truly, the best birthday I have ever had. I can't explain the gift that Haggis has given to me and to our relationship but deciding to quit PMO. We are a completely different couple. People looking in probably think we are in the beginning stages of our relationship, we are so happy now! Of course there are bad days but the good days hugely outnumber the bad ones. I saw my best friend for the first time in about a year and a half tonight, her and Haggis planned for her to make a trip here and surprise me. It was wonderful to see her and her little boy.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS--------------Last night was a little discouraging for Haggis. After the first ED we tried again and he still had the problem. The night ended successfully in the end but it was bothering him so bad. I kept saying, it's okay, this is going to happen every once in a while, I'm not upset/disappointed but he kept very quiet. Eventually he said he couldn't snap out of it and I needed to tickle him (no I am not kidding) so I got on top of him and tickled him for about 30 seconds or so and after that he was completely fine. He said I couldn't do this without his permission- hahaha. I find it interesting that we were trying something a little kinkyish last night and he got SO nervous about doing it. I don't think it was anything super weird or anything but I think we still need to take it slow and maybe not try anything new for a while. I am okay with this, whatever he needs. We also have sex A LOT so I am not surprised if this happens every once in a while. As The Eleven said, he is not 18 anymore but I gotta tell you, the way he has been acting toward me, you would think he was. He can't get enough.

This weekend is pretty full for me/us. We have plans to get breakfast tomorrow morning, go to the park and then the ballet at night. I know Haggis probably doesn't enjoy this very much but he knows I do so he surprised me with tickets. I can't wait! Then Sunday, I have some more Matron of Honor duties on Sunday, we are making jewelry for the wedding party! This will be fun. Poor Haggis is going to be tired of seeing my friends by the end of the weekend!

Quiet night planned. We had a nice "session" before we went to dinner tonight but knowing Haggis, he will be expecting more tonight. I think we are both looking forward to sleeping in a little tomorrow.

Looking forward to another great day with the man of my dreams tomorrow! Goodnight!

 

We have a ballet to go see tonight He knows I like that kind of stuff, I promised him I would go to a punk show with him if he wanted (not exactly my thing but it makes him happy!) I woke up really early this morning because I no longer have medication to keep me asleep. Haggis was still sleeping next to me and I woke him up with a little sex. He wasn't very coordinated at all, haha but it was fun.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS------------------We went to breakfast again this morning and have been hanging around the house today. I have gotten some cleaning and organizing and some Mother's Day cards addressed, we seem to have a lot of family! Haggis has been looking for a house for us to move into and has contacted some people, hopefully we will hear back soon! Everything seems to be moving along at a nice rate and we are so happy. He has been a little reserved today but I guess that's just how he is on the weekends now. On a very interesting note, we were trying a different position night before last and I had to tell him to stop because he was a little too large for that position right now. I have never had that problem with him but his erections are so hard now and he is quite a bit bigger- that made him smile.... a lot.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the weekend with this man!

 

Well, just when I say everything is great, I have a freak out moment. I remembered some stuff from 6 months or so ago and had the same sinking feeling. I'm trying to shake it before we leave tonight but it's hard. I know he is trying to show me he has changed but so much of me questions how long it will stick. I need to keep staying positive and supportive. I need to remind myself that he can't do anything more than he is doing. I need to remind myself that it has almost been 90 days since he has PMOd. At this point, it isn't his fault that I am feeling this way, he is trying his best and I think I am being a little too emotional. I will shake this.

 

The ballet was wonderful. He was so sweet to get these tickets. I have shaken the insecure feelings and am feeling much better, it always seems to help when I talk about it. We had a wonderful time and are laying in bed. He is playing a game on his phone and I'm just enjoying laying next to him. I'm glad I have this forum.

 

Thank you Papa_Chief! The water drinking is going great! I have 2 more days until I reach my 90 day goal. I will probably have a glass of orange juice to celebrate on my 90th day and then go back to water. I have noticed huge differences in my skin. I retain no water now. It's a piece of cake to lose weight because I'm only eating my calories. I have had a lot more energy with the water. I used to be horrible about drinking water and I think I was usually dehydrated because I was always tired. I drink around 120 ounces of water a day (a little more when I'm running). I haven't seen any negative effects from drinking water- only positive! I think it was good to detox my body for a while. Thanks for asking!

 

Well it is a nasty stormy day so naturally we are in the house for the day and my thoughts are running wild. I guess I never really got over it last night. I am supposed to be planning a trip to see one of my friends out of town and am really having a hard time leaving knowing that Haggis would get so excited when I left because he could watch all the P he wanted without having to worry about me catching him. Man I am having a hard time. I am going to do some cleaning and try to keep my mid off of all of this. I feel sick to my stomach. I can't get the picture of him doing this stuff out of my mind. I have a very active imagination and it really sucks.

 

Okay, the past couple of days have been an emotional roller coaster for me but once again I feel good. The rain let up a little bit and I left for a while just to get out of the house, Haggis played his game. I got back and felt better. I am an extremely active person and being stuck inside had my imagination running rampant.

Tomorrow will be 90 days since Haggis has PMOd. I have never been so proud of someone in my life. He set a goal and he is about to pass it. I love this man and am so glad I didn't end up leaving. Although some days I feel like my world is falling apart, I know that isn't true and I know that he is doing everything possible to become a better man. I will continue to heal and continue to support him through this journey.

Haggis rented Alice in Wonderland so I think we will sit down and watch that tonight. It has been a long time since either of us have seen it We have both showered and eaten and will spend the rest of the night spending time together.

We go back to work tomorrow and it is my last week before final exams. I will be doing some studying in the very near future. And this was my birthday weekend so I didn't eat the best but tomorrow I will be back on my diet. I have about 10 more pounds that I want to lose until I get my next tattoo so that is great motivation.

Tomorrow when we check in, he will be 90 days clean. Oh my how I am proud of him.

 

Thank you Strugglesaurus. I will take your words to heart. Most days are good, a few are bad. I will take the bad days in stride and remember that it is just me continuing to heal!