Oh I don't know, ever feel as decrepit as Gollum?

Alone, in the dark, isolated from both friend and obligation I'll masturbate to porn for hours. It doesn't seem to be a unique situation here based on what little I've already read. But it's just so evil how this habit can isolate a person from both friend and obligation to a point that they feel entirely alone in the world with a struggle they would not dare seek help for; fearful of judgment.

I am writing this dehydrated and without having eaten today. I just masturbated. I masturbated through the night and I am also sleep-deprived. I have been contemplating an attempt at stopping for some time but each time I try, alone and without confidant, I intensify my habit. I see the cool kids are calling it PMO.

My story isn't unique. This began in earnest when I was fifteen and I used PMO as a crutch to soothe an otherwise painful childhood and adolescence. What should I say, that mother died when I was eight, and twenty-two years later I am thirty and just feeling miserable? We all know life is hard. I feel like Gollum, all ragged and decrepit in the bottom of the Lonely Mountain, soothing myself in a masturbatory dance choreographed around real pains and struggles. But I feel alone.

I am not bad at socializing. I'm fairly personable and I have no issues talking with women. But I have never enjoyed sex for being sex. It just doesn't take me where I need to go like PMO can. I have been seeing a lady for about six months and I really care for her. And sex with her is really good, but I don't reach climax. Only PMO, my precious, precious PMO that is literally sucking the life out of me; only that can take me there.

I want my life back. I have two dogs and plenty of other animals, reptiles and fish. I love nature and I feel I have great hobbies. But very few things bring me enjoyment.

Gollum constantly put himself in danger to facilitate his addiction. His body and mind became weathered by the effects of the Ring. That's how I feel, and every time I try to quit the habit returns hard and swift and I have what essentially amounts to fapping marathons. I found NoFap last week and sat on the mere suggestion of stopping and the sheer terror and perceived hardship triggered me. Now I am quite dehydrated, sleep-deprived, and hungry. My head feels numb. I won't even get into what's going on with my overused Bilbo Baggins.

I don't know what else I can say. I don't know what healing or returning would be like, but I do know that to continue down the path I am on would only mean disaster and more crisis. I want to quit the addiction without having to fall into fire. I just don't know the way.

-Charlie Luna