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WHY WHY WHY AM I FAILING@#$@#$

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015.

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  1. Apr 30, 2015 #1
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    I have failed. But why. WHY WHY WHY.
    I'm just constantly asking myself this question and somehow I know the answers and somehow I don't.

    What I know are the following things:
    • I'm alone
    • I'm going incognito to go on this website, so that my GF doesn't know I'm writing these messages online. But going incognito is somehow making it easier to type in something to see P.
    • I'm fantasizing about P whenever I'm thinking of it. So getting out the fantasies is something important.
    • My work is abstract and I can do whatever I want and when I want. Making it easy to delay work.
    • All the people around me tell that watching P is something normal.
    • I'm working on myself: Who am I? Is P something bad or normal? But also looking at my work: what's my passion/drive in life? How do I get people around me to realize my dreams/passion/drive?
    What I don't know:
    • Why am I still fantasizing about P?
    • Would it be possible for me to see P without getting a boner? So that I can disable myself to P?
    • How can I find my intrinsic motivation to stop P? Somehow my GF wants me to stop this and somehow I agree, but not for the full 100%. I just can't find that. I don't know how to deal situations where people talke about P.
    ARGGGG *SIGHT*
    I will just click on 'create thread'.
     
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    #1
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  2. Apr 30, 2015 #2
    Happy Gnome

    Happy Gnome Guest

    Hi DutchA. Not a good idea to try to anesthesize yourself to P. Even just watching P will give you a dopamine hit. Not as much as PMO, but if you continually do it, you will slow down your reboot to a stop.

    Also try to cut out the fantasies. They are mental P. You need to develop some mental discipline. Meditation is good for this. When you find P images in your mind, just breath in and out focusing on your breath. They will go away shortly.

    You need to find you own reasons for stopping. Do you want to be more faithful to your GF? Do you want to be able to be focused on her entirely while you are having sex and being intimate? Is PMO affecting your motivation, ability to focus, and constantly make you think about sex? Don't you want to be free from all of that?

    I'd advise telling your GF about your addiction. Don't hide it from her. Let her support you. Most guys don't even try what you are doing. She's lucky to have you, someone who wants to get out from his addiction so he can be the best boyfriend possible. She will be hurt, and she might even feel inadequate and might even get angry. But you owe it to her to be honest. She can be that support you need to go the distance.

    I hope this helped DutchA. I wish you the best of success!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2015
    Happy Gnome, Apr 30, 2015
    Happy Gnome, Apr 30, 2015
    #2
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  3. Apr 30, 2015 #3
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Hi DutchA. Not a good idea to try to anesthesize yourself to P. Even just watching P will give you a dopamine hit. Not as much as PMO, but if you continually do it, you will slow down your reboot to a start.
    Hey mumchance. You're completely right on this.

    Also try to cut out the fantasies. They are mental P. You need to develop some mental discipline. Meditation is good for this. When you find P images in your mind, just breath in and out forcing on your breath. They will go away shortly.
    I really want to develop that mental discipline. And yesterday I did the first time meditation which felt a bit silly, but somehow it did help me. So I should do that many more times. Didn't know that breathing in and out could be so helpful. I'm going to do this the next time a fantasy pops up.

    You need to find you own reasons for stopping. Do you want to be more faithful to your GF. Do you want to be able to be focused on her entirely while you are having sex and being intimate? Is PMO affecting your motivation, ability to focus, and constantly make you think about sex? Don't you want to be free from all of that?
    Yes I really want to be more faithful to her. Somehow I'm making excuses to myself which is just wrong. I really want to be able to be focused on her entirely while I'm having sex and being intimate. This happened a few days ago and it was just really amazing. Probably the next few days I'll feel guilt. And yes I want to be free from all that. Somehow when I'm feeling weak, I'll tell myself that I'm not intrinsic motivated. But this is not true. I am intrinsic motivated. But I got to tell myself that many more times and make myself stronger, more confident of who I am.

    I'd advise telling your GF about your addiction. Don't hide it from her. Let her support you. Most guys don't even try what you are doing. She's lucky to have you, someone who wants to get out from his addiction so he can be the best boyfriend possible. She will be hurt, and she might even feel inadequate and might even get angry. But you owe it to her to be honest. She can be that support you need to go the distance.
    We are talking about P and trying to find a way to stop it. Somehow I always hesitate telling her, because it's just such a dilemma: I should tell the truth and I don't want to hurt her. But thank you for supporting me not to hide it from her. It encourages me to stay on the right path. And yes what you say about most guys who don't even try what I'm doing is true. That's making me feeling stronger now.

    I hope this helped DutchA. I wish you the best of success!
    Yes thank you mumchance! You really helped me out and I really appreciate your support. Thank you!
     
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
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  4. Apr 30, 2015 #4
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    I just told her...

    Situation is really terrible. She's really angry to me. Should I tell her more then 'it went wrong'? Should I tell her why it's going wrong? I don't know...
     
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    #4
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  5. Apr 30, 2015 #5
    Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Tell her everything. She deserves to know since she is your partner and also she may become your biggest ally in this fight against porn. Will she be angry? Of course! but don't let that stop you from being someone who is honest and has integrity. Couples go through painful things and it is not the end of the world.

    All the questions you are asking yourself will be clearly answered when you give up porn for a few weeks. Right now you cannot separate porn from your true personality or even sexual interest and drive.
     
    Limeaid, Apr 30, 2015
    Limeaid, Apr 30, 2015
    #5
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  6. Apr 30, 2015 #6
    Happy Gnome

    Happy Gnome Guest

    I know it took a lot of courage to tell her, DutchA. Let her feel whatever she is feeling. She needs to adjust to the real you. Let her know that you don't want to be that person anymore and that you are dedicated to change.

    And sorry, I discovered a type when I was telling you about meditation. I wrote "forcing on your breath" and I meant "focus on your breath." Here's a quick guide to meditation: http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate
     
    Happy Gnome, Apr 30, 2015
    Happy Gnome, Apr 30, 2015
    #6
  7. Apr 30, 2015 #7
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both for helping me out!
    When I know more I'll write it down here.
     
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
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  8. Apr 30, 2015 #8
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately the fight is still going on. Couldn't say much to her. The only thing I told her was to not block her feelings. Because she's really sweet and forgiving. So after just a little time she immediately says it's allright and that she accepts my apologize. I told her not to go too fast with saying 'it's okay', so right now we're just not talking to each other. Need some more time.
     
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, Apr 30, 2015
    #8
  9. Apr 30, 2015 #9
    edwingaldamez1

    edwingaldamez1 Fapstronaut

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    Trust me tell your girlfriend is the hardest part she'll be hurt of course but she'll get over it and be supportive also. So give it time and now that she knows about your addiction your going have to put in your part and get over your addition or that could honestly ruin your relationship.
     
    edwingaldamez1, Apr 30, 2015
    edwingaldamez1, Apr 30, 2015
    #9
  10. Apr 30, 2015 #10
    fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Yes I'd have to say that it is crazy how we as rational beings can absolutely determine that some actions have negative impact on us and yet engage in them. Yet again today I was a slave to my animalistic instincts.
     
    fapequalsdeath, Apr 30, 2015
    fapequalsdeath, Apr 30, 2015
    #10
  11. Apr 30, 2015 #11
    wally_s

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    This has been my problem in staying with the NoFap program. I have been here now for a month and a half (since March 13th) and my longest streak has been 18 days. Each time I have slipped it has been because of mental P... creating porn-like scenes in my mind that create and then drive urges. Thank you, mumchance, for putting this into your response reply.

    Hey DA we're right here with you, working right along day by day, post by post to find out what works for each of us. I can report that the mental P, the fantasizing about P, is diminishing with me. The power of it, the effect is decreasing, it seems, the longer I stay away from actual P and, I think (and hope) that I am actually developing some of that mental discipline mentioned by mumchance. Breathing and meditation are very useful in this regard.

    All the best in your efforts and in your recovery!
     
    wally_s, Apr 30, 2015
    wally_s, Apr 30, 2015
    #11
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  12. Apr 30, 2015 #12
    Kuaka

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    Consider googling the five tibetan rites. Of particular interest is number six...you may have to look for it. It is a breathing exercise to refocus sexual energy. I found it helpful.
     
    Kuaka, Apr 30, 2015
    Kuaka, Apr 30, 2015
    #12
  13. Apr 30, 2015 #13
    Kuaka

    Kuaka Fapstronaut

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    For reference, here is the gist of number six...

    The sequence of Tibetan #6 is as follows:
    1.Stand straight and breathe out completely
    2.Bend over forward putting your hands on your knees, forcing out the last trace of air
    3.With your lungs empty return to standing straight posture
    4.Put your hands on your waist and push your shoulders up by pressing down with your hands. Pull the abdomen in as much as possible and raise your chest, keeping your lungs empty.
    5.Hold this position as long as you are capable, with empty lungs
    6.Breathe in through the nose until your lungs are full
    7.Exhale through the mouth, relaxing arms to hang free.
    After each cycle of Tibetan #6 several cycles of deep breathing are required. No more than three repeats are recommended for most people.
     
    Kuaka, Apr 30, 2015
    Kuaka, Apr 30, 2015
    #13
  14. May 1, 2015 #14
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Thanks edwingaldamez, you're right :)
     
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    #14
  15. May 1, 2015 #15
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Yes that's crazy indeed. We should stay strong and be free, not being a slave! We can be free fapequaldeath!
     
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    #15
  16. May 1, 2015 #16
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Good to hear that it's diminishing! And thank you for your support wally.
     
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    #16
  17. May 1, 2015 #17
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    You're right FreedomFlight. I must say that my motivation has become very strong since yesterday. But what I really need to develop is my own identity and stand stronger for my own point of view, my own opinion. And that's growing. Not only in P, but also with other things I'm doing in live.
    There was a day I thought that I made it there, but if I remember correctly it went wrong when I had a serious argue with my girlfriend. Now I don't want to make the same mistake again when I'm on a long streak. What I'm wondering now is: what do you guys do when you're arguing with the people you're living with in the same house?
     
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    #17
  18. May 1, 2015 #18
    DutchAnonymous

    DutchAnonymous Fapstronaut

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    Do you do this when you're feeling that you want to do something sexual or do you do this on standard times of the day? Thank you for your support Kuaka :)
     
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    DutchAnonymous, May 1, 2015
    #18
  19. May 1, 2015 #19
    Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Hey Dutch!

    Telling your GF is definitely one of the smartest moves you've made. I know it was painful and uncomfortable, but my wife has been most instrumental in my recovery.

    I'll also echo what Mum said, watching P and trying not to get a boner is bad news. To me that sets you up on a road to PIED or training yourself not to get an erection at the very least. Neither of which is pleasant and you can trust me from experience on that one.

    Good luck brother!
     
    Haggis, May 1, 2015
    Haggis, May 1, 2015
    #19
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  20. May 1, 2015 #20
    Haggis

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    By the way, that's brilliant what you said right there. Let her feel how she needs to feel and she'll be much better in the long run.
     
    Haggis, May 1, 2015
    Haggis, May 1, 2015
    #20
    DutchAnonymous likes this.
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