Please help me handle this

My husband realized and admitted to me that he has a porn addiction, and he has been practicing no PMO since then. I'm so proud of him for realizing this himself, and I want to help him. We've talked about things a lot and he's always honest with me, as far as I can tell. He always listens to how I feel, and it seems like he understands.

I feel horrible because he says he hates himself for this, and I don't want him to feel that way. I love him so, so much. But the problem is that I'm so hurt and I keep breaking down. I really need some advice - I'm trying so hard to help him but I'm really, really struggling.

I usually don't have low self-esteem, but it feels like he finds everyone attractive but me. He says it's because of the addiction. But he also says he's not sure if he's actually attracted to me or not, if I'm actually what he wants. He says he can't know because of his porn addiction. He's doing a 90 day reboot, and he said he'll decide once his brain is clear if I'm what he wants or not. He says he loves me and he'd still die for me but that he's just not attracted to me, and that's why he's doing the reboot. I'm so hurt and confused - I know our relationship was struggling, and I didn't realize it was because he's a PA, but I didn't think he doubted me like this.

The other day it seemed like he was actually attracted to me in the first time in a very long time. We had sex and were happy for the rest of the day, but ever since then he's been distant and grumpy - he says it's the Chaser Effect. He said he needs to not O for the rest of the reboot because of this. I told him I'll help him through it, but that we need to be 'just friends' during the reboot because I can't keep hurting like this.

I can't stop thinking about everything and it makes me start crying in the middle of nowhere. I keep thinking about how things used to be and I can't stand it. I start crying when we're watching TV because a romantic or sex scene will come on. Or I start crying when we're in public because I think about the fact that he's having to try not to fantasize about random women around us and I feel so helpless. I'm so hurt and scared and I feel like I'm crumbling.

Please help me handle this. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better about this. I want to help him but I can't if I'm constantly crying. I'm afraid I'll scare him off from talking to me eventually.

 

Thanks for all the help you guys. I'm trying really hard but like you said, I'm really hurting. He also confessed today that he had sexual thoughts about his teenage students when he was a teacher, which is a huge new blow. I'm having a really hard time processing it. We've been talking all day and I've been trying to help him process his emotions and how he feels about himself but I'm still struggling with everything, especially with this new piece of info.

 

I want him to tell me everything, and I'm so grateful he's willing to. We had a really good talk today and he really wants to make this work. We're both going to be looking for therapists and we're taking things one day at a time. Thank you so much.

 

Thank you, and thanks for the laugh!