I don't know if PMO is causing me to be sexually confused, but i am on day 36 because of that reason. I'm currently 19, turning 20 closer to this year end so i term myself as a 20 year old adult here. The time when i joined NoFap as a member was like, December 2018. Reason i joined back then was because i felt that PMO led me to become who i wasn't, a social cripple. The infantization of the frontal cortex, immense rush of adrenaline rush when stressed or bored, lack of confidence, lots of procrastinating, basically the downsides, applies for me. Hence, I was determined to stop PMO and change for the better. Went on reading lots of stuffs recently and realized i had weak willpower back then as i succumbed to the chaser effect. Then the viscious PMO cycle continued, until last year December 2019, which was when I felt that I needed to change. I felt that PMO was rewiring my brain in a totally wrong way. I don't get attracted to males or females anymore, life was boring, nothing felt funny to me and i was emotionless, emotionally detatched to the current situations i was in. I do agree that i am still emotionless, but i do feel things more than i used to. I am 36 days in hardcore PMO-ing right now. The reason i started to abstain from PMO this time was that, i actually felt attracted to a male classmate whom i always go home after school together. His personality attracts me, we do agree on lots of stuffs and have almost the same thinking which if it's normal people, they would term it as bro. I don't know i'm just so damn cofused that is it the side effects of PMO that rewired my brain in the wrong way. I felt gay and I actually blushed when talking to him once like what the hell was going on with my life. I was nervous to talk to him that time too, and i actually started to keep a distance from him, and everyone else as i was so freaked out. Yeah so for the whole of December last year i felt so bothered about it, I couldn't focus on anything and i wanted to reboot for good. According to a few threads i went to see, I wasn't alone. There were people feeling the same way. But i'm still confused on the sexuality part as in, is PMO the culprit, the cause of me feeling gay or have i not explored my own sexuality ? On the website yourbrainonporn.com, the article states that studies have shown that P shapes our sexual beliefs and expectations, makes us less human and feel lesser everytime we drop back to PMO. I don't know much and i'm still very confused as before December, i labelled myself as straight all the while, have been trying to abstain but kept relapsing. I went to google about it too. They said there were 6 stages to recovery for nofap. I'm sure i've been through the first one, 'Ignorance', and the second one which is 'Excitement'. I didn't feel anything about 'Blue Balls' which is the third stage, but im doubting that i'm at the fourth one, which is 'Flatline'. It states that at the current stage, i will suffer from sexual disinterest. It also states that at this part, the brain is trying to rewire itself back to normal. There's a phrase on the website which i see as 'an excuse to relapse' which is "Relapsing on NoFap won’t reset your counter – at least unless it’s a full-on relapse that includes a week of watching porn and masturbating.'' I'm sorta confused right now, if anyone could give some advice i would really appreciate it. Been going through a hard time for the past month till now. Have an upcoming exam and wasn't and still not able to focus on it. And also a question, do i throw away the s** toys that i have ?
Hey Chael This is my first time posting here. I joined a few years back and have been dipping in and out of nofap since. I know there is a problem (liked the way you described it "social cripple") and have decided that 2020 is the year I am going to change this for good. I am a gay man and hope that this perspective helps you. firstly - well done for getting to 36, that's a great achievement. I have being using porn for over 10 years. I managed once to do a 90 day streak, and saw the benefits that brought. you say the reason you started on this streak is because you started to feel attracted to males - and it seems to me that this scared you and you were worried that resetting your brain caused this to happen. I cant give you a definitive answer to this, all I can tell you is that for me my sexuality is constantly developing as I grow in years - and know from other people (that didn't/don't) have a porn addiction that the same can be true. When I was your age I was very confused as to who I was - I grew up in a catholic Irish house and being Gay just wasn't an option. Porn validated the feelings I was having - it was the first time I saw that 2 men could have sex and enjoy it (at the time I didn't comprehend that this was all just fake and the guys preforming were probably str8 and just doing this it for the money/drugs or whatever). Porn was the only thing in my life that was validating me as a gay man. So I got hooked and before I knew it, years had passed, relationships were missed, physical and emotional damage done. I used porn to validate my sexuality. So my advise to you is this; Throw away the toys Continue with the no PMO Focus on whats important now - your exam Get to a stage where you feel you have the addiction under control - but always be on guard. Don't do the next one until you are completely comfortable/honest about the above Start to explore your sexuality - nothing wrong with that as long as its with consensual adult (male or female) and you aren't doing it with pixels instead of people. It may turn out that you are Gay it may turn out that you are str8, you may be BI - it really doesn't matter as long as you are doing the right thing by YOU. Don't be frightened of whats ahead - it will be good as along as you are being true and honest with yourself. Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. Hope this helps
Nutbush73 gave amazing advice here. I agree about working on yourself first. And then get out and enjoy connecting with people instead of worrying about categorizing yourself. After a while, maybe one of those labels will seem to reflect your experiences and orientation clearly.
Wow thanks man for the advices given. A really big thank you to Nutbush73, for taking your time to give me advice and encouragement, i really appreciate it Just to say i don't have anything against gay people or LGBT itself, it's just a shock to me that the thought got me bad. For me i feel it's just the personality and character of people that attracts me. It plays a huge role in whether someone can be important in my life or someone is worth keeping as a friend. Just what im feeling currently. Apparently today is Day 37, and after much thinking and browsing through the forums, i realized that i wasn't the only one going through this(like duhh xD). The current stage that i'm going through is HOCD. Before i knew this it was all overthinking, and to simplify things, its just HOCD, and flatlining where the brain is trying to rewire itself back to normal. Apparently, today was the first day of school after the semester break, i didn't go for yesterdays test but am getting a retest so no worries. For people who are sexually confused and chanced upon this thread, i would like to just say it's HOCD as seen in many threads. The solution to HOCD is just to not feed those thoughts any oxygen and ignore them. Instead, focus on other things like when interacting with friends and sharing the happy things that you went through, while doing that, focus on what you are conveying. One thing at a time will get your day productive. If it doesn't help then get distracted with a hobby of yours that you will totally immerse in. Well, the improvements i've noticed is better memory retention, and better attention span. I can also communicate with others better that my frontal cortex healed a bit, which i can convey what i want to a lot better i would say. I guess personality wise i wouldn't prefer a crowd and still tend to shy away, but i am totally okay with 1 to 1 conversations. I even had the thought of talking to a classmate who i've never talked to, to understand her points of view of some stuffs. I actually see this as the current biggest improvement. And also, life aint that emotionless anymore, i can crack jokes better than i did, and not the usual poker face i was. Yeah all in all it was good. Looking forward to day 90 to see the results To all fapstronauts who view this, stay strong bois!! xD 2020 IZ OUR DECADEE!!
Hi guys so, I've relapsed(more of resetting twice in a row). What's new ? xD Well story is this so apparently during day 42-46 i was edging as the sexual tension within me was high. I've read on the forums that they say urges (referring to sexual tension) is power, but there can be a good urge and bad urge. So channelize all these energy to doing productive things. I failed at that i admit i lack of self-discipline xD. And yea i searched quite a lot during that period of time if i should reset my counter, or continue with the abstinence. Apparently they said its better to MO then continuous edging as comparing both, edging produced way more dopamine to your brain. And if its MO then its just a quick game, just getting rid of urge/sexual tension. First relapse was evening time of 17 Jan 2020. Yea and as for the above paragraph, what i meant by edge or how i did edge was that, i went to see if SO was an option since people said the main goal of nofap was to revert people back to how they originally were as humans. Human to human interactions and encounters are fine, but never a human with pixels. Yea then i was searching on the available prostitute services that they have here locally. Just Spoiler: Trigger Warnzie a normal bbbj or hj will do, no PIV, so that i will still be considered a virgin. But i didn't. These things were against my morals and i didn't want to lose my 'virginity' to a stranger and pay for it. Just sounds plain dumb to me. By edging i also meant that i read the reviews of those brothel experiences in details so they were sorta Spoiler: Triggar 'eroticas' i guess. So i couldn't take it on day 46, i was shivering and cold sweating due to edging. So i just got rid of the sexual tension/urges and restart the whole thing. I just MO'ed in less than like 5 minutes, due to the sensitivity i gained back from the desensitization of PMO. And prolly cos i applied lube too(was i supposed to?). And yea for today day 50 i relapsed again. I actually saw triggers, and my damn crippled willpower weak af. Cos i was scrolling through youtube for music, and then i found some of the artists i was into on like some variety shows. Apparently the channel itself has full of triggers on their thumbnails except the ones with these artists. Meh ain't proud of myself. Prolly a chaser effect too. Second Relapse was the midnight of 20th Jan 2020. But yeah, I don't really feel that these MO's has really affected me a lot, it's just that my brain just goes mroe of like 'Why did I even do that?'. Other than this i have been healing quite well i would say, My days are more productive, I have longer attention spans as compared to last time. Before i relapsed on day 46 i was getting more attention than usual no idea why lel. Yeah, I'm bothering to type this entry, is because i want to make a reminder for myself, as well as to push on to recovering myself from the bad effects of P. Firstly, I would really want to applaud for myself for being able to be in hardmode for like 42 days, especially that i am a beginner. It was the first time i went on a clean streak aside from before puberty LOL. And i read about having a plan and not just jumping into nofap and challenging ourselves with abstinence of 90 days. It's more of a long term journey recovery thing as things aren't just as simple. I plan to not touch P as I did until now. If i have any urges I will NOT think about it for more than 5 seconds. It legitly consumes the willpower and weakens it. Divert the energy to what i need to focus on, and only concentrate on one thing at a time. As for MO relapses, whenever i do it i would have lesser energy levels, probably due to the effects of that releasing semen means that our nutrients in the body goes along away with it. That's why guys are always more tired than girls LOL. (not sure bout this but makes sense i guess) And that our body has to compensate and keep on replenishing on these wasted nutrient supplies going down the drain. What for man, it isn't worth it at all. For the above mentioned two relapses, they were fast, and i did not fantasize about anything related to P. Am i supposed to do some kegel exercises ? I don't have any partners till now but i worry about it. I mean being truthful to the other half would be good if they are accepting and willing to accept me for who I am. That's best, but i'm worried about our Spoiler: Triggerz sexual life too. That's why i'm also reading up more about phimosis. Yea, not sure if Phimosis stretching treatment lead to my relapse, but I'm sure with strong willpower, the stretching exercises have nothing related to the sexual tensions/urges. It is just for the wellbeing of mens pp xD I'm also quite helpless as i have no other means of relieving sexual tension/urges. I have actually went for runs but they still persists. Will try to divert my attention to my hobby. I'm not sure if settling the urges myself would be against the rules but meh. Here we go hardmode again, until someone actually guides me on this part HAHA. Do i throw away the lubes as well ? xD (Haven't threw out the Spoiler: Im sorry thats another trigger warnzie for ya sex toys(just some vibrators) but never used them during MO ) To sum up, I have to be more self-disciplined in my lifestyle and living, having stronger willpower would also be best, so that even after facing triggers i would see it as nothing happened. And yes, not procrastinating but instead using that chance to do productive things i can, or have some quality rest. Peace out ~
Relapsed on day 57 and 60, just MO. Pretty pissed at myself for giving in to such temptations. Only looked at a lil bit of girls on youtube due to the entertainment sector. They weren't even that provocative (some scenes were). But meh damage has been done. Counter reset again for MO. Going pretty clean on abstaining from P. Well here, I just want to remind myself some of the reasons why i started out on NoFap. Just in case my weak willpower from the frontal cortex isn't working, these reasons are gonna force em thru. 1) I don't like the way PMO has rewired my brain to look at girls differently Girls are just humans like us guys, and the rewiring part made me objectify girls. I don't like this. Personally I'm more of a HSP person, so I get pretty well along with girls when I have to talk to 1 on 1. I don't really approach people for no reason, unless they're my classmates I have been with for a while, or acquaintance that frequency matches. It's like the reason i'm talking to girls is more of that I objectify something thats valuable, rather than the joy of meeting someone new, hoping that our opinions match and that we can have a status if both parties have mutual stands. 2) PMO has really damaged my brain, which porn escalation lead to HOCD. HOCD was and is really hell. I've learnt how to deal with it, but it's not something that will go away in a fortnight. I still remember the holidays during last year December, my mind was being raped by the thoughts of HOCD. Was a total chaotic abyss. Wouldn't want to return to a state like that again. I wish for the healthy mental well-being for people who are going through this too. 3) PMO is infantizing your brain slowly. I used to be really good at conveying what I wanted, but i was deteriorating at it. To the point that i even stutter and take pauses to think of words that is suitable to be used. I don't like this feeling at all. I want to recover to a state that my mouth can actually match the speed which my brain is thinking, and convey things well. Other than the above 3, anxiety and a few other reasons are why I make it a turning point of my life to legitly abstain from PMO, and heal my mental state properly. On the journey of PMO until now, personally, I feel that the challenge begins from flatline. I also tend to want my own space for a period of time like especially from day 40 onward. You would want to challenge yourself to see whether your sexual organs are still working. Don't get baited, it works as usual, your brain is trying to find a loophole to break through so that it can get the dopamine rush it was used to getting. After flatline, the real challenge begins as that's where the natural instincts of a human come back. It's really a game of willpower and morals to keep yourself in check. That's where I failed. I lie flat and rest for a while before i bounce back. After this post is posted, I will stand up and fight the war. Today marks day 60. which i abstained 60 days successfully from P. I will challenge myself to hardcore abstaining from PMO for another 60 days, which marks 120 days. Then lets see what other challenges or streaks i can take up from there. Probably monk mode.
