My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Yay! I passed my classes last semester, I just got my grades. My world was turned completely upside down last semester and I was really wondering if I would make it through school this past term but I did!!! I am elated. This takes a lot of stress off of me and I am that much closer to getting my degree. It really bothers me when people ask me how much longer I have in school because I don't really know. I feel like they pressure me.

Today was good, yesterday was good. We went to a friends house and had some dinner and drinks (notice my counter had to be reset once again..lol). We went to work today and I cleaned the house before I left. We ate dinner, showered and had some sex. We are playing hookie from work tomorrow and going fishing! I am SOOO excited. I love fishing.

Haggis has an accountability partner now (very sweet guy) and I think that takes some of the stress off of me too. I know that if he is having any urges, he can feel comfortable talking to someone who knows what it is like.

I have almost lost 40 pounds since this whole ordeal ended. I am healthy again. Almost healthy emotionally too. I caught myself worrying about "what if" stuff today. What if Haggis goes back... what if he is lying...what if...what if... I stopped myself because that is ridiculous thinking. I can do nothing with what if.

Not a very long post today but I wanted to check in. I always feel good when I do.

 

We went fishing yesterday and had a lot of fun. A little later in the day yesterday I started feeling "off"-that is the only way I know how to describe it. It has persisted today. I feel insecure about our relationship and even insecure in his love. I have no idea how this happened but I am very discouraged. Just when I think things are getting better...

We went and saw a house to rent today and loved it. They said they would background check...this is not a good thing. I am clean but Haggis isn't. I had a feeling we may run into this problem. This isn't what is bothering me though. I just wish I could figure it out. I feel pretty bad. Sorry for the negative journal.

 

Thank you Eleven and Limeaid, this made me smile

I am still feeling quite "off" today, I know that sounds strange but that's the only way I know to describe it. I am trying to have positive thoughts and Haggis said I seemed happier today than yesterday so maybe it's working.

I got up this morning and made Haggis his breakfast and sent him off to work. I cleaned the house and ran some errands before work. We got home from work and I cooked dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. Haggis is working from home tonight so I don't know if he will have time to journal. It always makes me nervous when he skips a day of journaling. I know he has been 100+ days clean but I still have a sinking fear that something will come up that destroys the progress we have made. This sounds very hypocritical seeing as I write in other men's journals telling them not to give up when they slip up but I have noticed that I am still scared as hell that this is going to happen to us again. Haggis keeps reassuring me that he will NEVER hurt me again but I have heard this in the past. He is a changed man and I know this. I am also not a stupid woman and my brain sometimes works against me.

I am very sunburned from fishing the other day and have had Haggis slather me with aloe the past couple nights. I am also experiencing that time of the month so I am sure all of this is adding together to make me less than pleasant. I will push forward and continue to grow and heal.

I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. I need to remind myself of this and remind myself not to doubt his love. I was not surprised when I had body image issues after all of this but I wasn't expecting to doubt his love. Is this normal? Haggis says everything I am feeling is normal but here I have this man who was willing to completely change his life so he wouldn't lose me and I am doubting whether or not he REALLY loves me? Honestly, I feel like a crazy woman sometimes.

As always, thank you for reading and for the encouragement.

 

Thank you for the encouragement Limeaid. You are right, 108 days is a drop in the bucket compared to the 9 years we have been together. How long has your husband been clean? I know that I read it at one point but I can't remember. I agree on talking to him about my feelings. I try to do this when I am having "those" feelings and usually he is very receptive. This is a definite change seeing as when I used to bring anything up, he would immediately get defensive. Haggis made a bad judgement call today (nothing to do with PMO) and I brought it up when we got home. He reverted back to how he used to deal with problems by getting a little defensive and quiet and an eye roll (which he is notorious for but denies it up and down when I say he does it). After about 10 minutes of quiet and awkwardness he said he understood where I was coming from and agreed. The trust still isn't completely there and I think he realizes that.

As for what triggered it: I have been trying to think about this all day, I think it would help if I knew what it was. Haggis and I have seen each other a lot lately but when we are together, we are always doing something else (working, cooking, daily stuff). I think this probably has something to do with it. I also don't trust all of his friends completely and I know that they are elbows deep in P. I worry that when he is around them, something P related will come up and in an effort to not look weird or pussy whipped (excuse my expression) he will just sit through it. He may tell himself that he is not looking or paying attention but an addicts brain is different. When I go out, I find myself comparing myself to a lot of women. I obsess over this and then when I get home, I am worried about him seeing all of these women and something going haywire in his brain. I feel like a petty little child in the way I am thinking. I know everything I am feeling is normal but it really gets to me. Now the comparing myself to other women is not normal and I am actively working on this (not that it is working too well). Another thing, when we are around other women, I get very anxious. I know how he used to look at them and it makes me sick. I feel like I have been sharing him for way too long and I don't want to share him with anything anymore. Especially not slutty girls that he think could give him a good time but wouldn't put up with any of his shit or treat him nearly as good as I do. Whew... I am on a rant now. I think all of these things tie in together and paint a pretty ugly picture of what causes these feelings.

I started feeling a little better today. I still feel very uneasy and yes, very insecure-with myself and with us. This will of course take time and I am in it for the long haul. I cannot tell you how much it means for you to be a continued support to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

This weekend was wonderful. I think I was having problems from PMS and everything is A OK now. We have spent some much needed time together this weekend and have decided it is time to start trying for a baby. I have been told by my gyno that I may have a short time to conceive and we should try sooner rather than later. I had a child when I was 17 and gave her up for adoption. I miss her every day and would love to have children of our own. This is a big step but I think we are more ready than ever.

 

Alright, I have decided to share some stuff to get over the fear of people having negative thoughts about me but you know what? This is the time. I am not perfect, I have never been perfect.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS-------------------------------------------

My father and brother died 6 months apart when I was 7 (1995). My mom had me and my sister (16 months younger than me) to raise all by herself. I missed my daddy very much growing up and realized this was one of the reasons I "was how I was". I got my first *real* boyfriend when I was 14. I "dated" him for 6 months until we had sex for the first time. It was not what I thought it was going to be. I continued to have sex with him until I got pregnant (still 14 y/o). I was a Baptist, and I didn't believe in abortion. N (we will call him "N") did. He told me that was the only option. I was in 8th grade. In my head, I loved this boy- clearly I didn't. I was 5 months pregnant when my mom found out. She wanted me to end the pregnancy, so did N. What did I do? I did it. This was the worst decision I ever made. I cannot forgive myself, I am a murderer.

Fast forward 2 years. We have to move for my step-fathers job-I couldn't stand him-he was a dick. I trusted him and my mom by telling them that I was bulimic because I wanted help and they didn't believe me, for 5 more years, I would continue to be bulimic. I met a guy and was immediately interested. He was dark skinned so my family clearly would be against this. We "dated" (he was screwing multiple girls) until I became pregnant. AGAIN, the only option to this guy is termination. Fuck that. I never forgave myself for the murder I committed when I was 14. I gave birth to a beautiful 8 pound 4 ounce baby girl in 2006 and placed her for adoption with a wonderful family. I still have contact with them and love her with all of my heart. I graduated high school 4 months after giving birth to this beautiful little girl. I will never regret this decision.

I think this is good for now. I am already feeling weird about this so I will wait a bit before I post the rest.

Thank you for reading.

 

Thank you all for your kind words. Unfortunately, this post, is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't know if I will post about it tonight or in a year but one day, I will feel strong enough to post about all of my demons. Your continued support is appreciated.

 

Again, thank you all. I feel weirdly at peace today. I am nervous about everything else that I will add to this story but everyone is so understanding it makes it a lot easier. I am gathering my thoughts about what all I want to share and it isn't very pretty but I do think it will help to get it out there. Tonight is probably not the night though. The genuine caring and love that I have been shown is unbelievable and I thank you all for being so compassionate at a time where I do not feel I deserve compassion.

Something I haven't yet shared, my father was a hardcore porn addict. He drug my mother into some stuff I'm sure she rather not do. My father was a very well respected member of our community and very wealthy. Everyone thought he was a saint. He was a doctor and saved lives every day. I wish he could have saved his own. I was on the phone with my older sister for 2 hours today. She told me some things that really made me feel better. Her husband was a porn addict for many years and it almost ended their marriage. My older brother is also addicted to P. His marriage did end because of that. I am so grateful that we are on our way to recovery. This stuff is everywhere and so many people are affected. I am glad that I have my sister to talk to about this stuff if I need to because she has been through it. She is about 20 years older than me and has a lot of experience. She does not judge us.