Straight But can’t stop masturbating with guys on cam.

It probably wasn't easy opening up about this topic, so thanks for sharing. It seems that this issue is getting dire seeing as you broke up with your gf but don't worry too bad there's always progress that can be made. So firstly, I suggest you browse around this thing caleld "HOCD". A lot of people on the forums are dealing with this issue and it basically relates to how porn can make you think you're gay when you're actually not. Try browsing the forums and finding some like-minded people dealing with this issue - find people in the same situation. I haven't dealt with HOCD but you're free to message me whenever. Good luck!

 

I used to find the "healing code" good for dealing with shame. You could google that.

It's easy to get in a vicious cycle of shame and PMO but you can get out of it.

If there are people in your life that like to make you feel ashamed, do something about that. Toxic shame is bullshit.

 

Hi Frank,
Thanks for writing this post.
I have the same problem and I really want to quit.

I am obbsessed about chatting with other men about sex and sometimes masturbate to them or with them.

The problem for me is not understanding my sexual orientation - I know I am straight with some curiosity, like many other men - but quitting having continuous doubts and cruising chat rooms to find straight guys to talk about our sexual life.

I don't broadcast, but I like to watch. I tryed c2c with Skpe but I don't like it: I get nervous and I feel ashamed and dirty. Watching without showing fulfills my need to compare myself to orhers. Chatting honestly to other men was really fine for me: I said thinks that usually I don't tell my buddies and wife. That enreached my self confidence, I have to say. My behaviour is not about trolling or doing virtual sex, is more about expressing a part of me I use to hyde.

My problem is that I cannot quit this behaviour and I think that I suffer from HOCD. I constantly need confirmations about myself from other men, my arousal comes from that.

My advice as a "victim" of the same behaviour is to find the core need that brings you to repeat it and to talk about that with others, like we are doing now. This could be helpful also for me, so let's do it honestly, dude!

Bye!

 

There was a time when I was obsessed with porn. Gay porn was on my laptop's background photo. The urges are less now. Very less. You will have to take this as seriously as an illness. A therapist helped me. Now I stop the urges at thought level. Earlier I would edge and think it's okay, but now I've stopped that.

Discipline helped me.

 

Sorry to say but your determination alone won't help you change. Determination alone didn't help me. Use determination to get the help you need.

With my when my friend found out about my sexual fetish I had a nervous breakdown, and I regret that day even today (it's been 7 years).

Treat this with as much seriousness as one treats a physical illness. You don't fight typhoid with determination. Visit a therapist or maybe get some other help.

I may come across as harsh but I wish someone had saved me 7 years ago. Pain of regret is much much heavier than pain of discipline.

 

I started to make questions to men I found in chat rooms and it helped me a lot not to feel ashamed anymore. I know I am not alone now. I have really engaged honest conversations with them and that was the first step, then I went to a therapist. The therapist told me to keep on being honest and explore my needs and at the same time try to come back to reality with discipline. I found out that my core need is too deep to quit from one day to another: first I need to fullfill my deep needs, which I am trying to investigate right now. One solution could be moving from sex chat rooms to other kind of websites, like this one, and keep on talking honestly about the problem with others. Reading your messages helps me, so thanks all of you guys.

 

Your welcome. There was a time when even I would indulge in cam sites n look at porn. What I was seeking was validation and attention.

One thing that is helping me is to avoid drama. No more movies. I also dont expect disney level happiness now.

 

Thanks, recoome.
No drama: this is crucial, I think. We all are imperfect human beings. Also decrease expectations about "disney happines" is a good fact, in my opinion. Sexual life with a long term partner is not at all like a single porn movie scene! We have to expect up and downs, and manage them, as adults.

The first thing I am looking for in my chat sessions is validation: I call perfectly strangers "buddy" or "brother". I found out that my core need is being accepted as a male in males community, since in real life I suffered a lack in that field, for personal reasons. My anxiety of not being recognized as a man in the men community probably took me to increase a certain homosexual orientation, which I have ever refused.

Now I know that I have for sure a certain curiosity for men, and I have accepted it, since I know, thanks to my online conversations, that I am not the only one. No drama. There are so many men that feels the same as me: happily married men and fathers that hyde their feelings in real life because of society rules and conventions. Men like me that cannot even express themselves completely in front of their best friends or even wives, for the same reasons. In that sense, conversations helped me a lot. My advice is: try to switch from voyerism or exhibitionism to conversation and see what happens to you! Be honest.

My problem now is that I keep on looking for validations. Compulsively. Even if I know who I am. That's because, I suppose, the thrill that I have chatting with other men in intimacy is really big and complex. It's not properly or just "sexual". It is compulsive...

That's why I decided to write here.
Thanks again!

 

When I would indulge in camroom chats I'd pass jokes and would get excited when the other person replied with an 'lol'. I was a beggar of validation.

I was in my 20s then. What has helped me is to cut drama out of my life. Earlier I'd watch sitcoms (even GoT brings drama at times). Now I avoid that. I have few online friends. I chat only with them. And I chat here.

But yeah I wish I'd known this at 2011. Even I didn't have many friends. Still don't. But now I'm okay with it. I have like 1 or 2 real life friends and I'm okay with it now. I was very influenced by peer pressure earlier. Now it's better to be alone than be with people you're not comfortable with.

I also visited a therapist for a year and half. Maybe that can help you as well. It helped me get some perspective.

 

Yes, recoome. I know what you mean with "peer pressure": that's why I decided not to follow it in my life. But avoiding any chance to compare or even conflict with peers, I think I have missed some "rituals". It's just a theory.

Now I have close friends, two real friends: one is 42 and recently admitted to me his porn addiction. He is married and happy, but you know how it works. I didn't confess him my problem, because I feel ashamed. The other one is a soldier, 40 and married too: he is really not into expressing himself beyond jokes. I know he has an addiction to porn also, because we laugh about it. But nothing more.

So I feel alone, sometimes. And I judge myself like that: "you are alone because you are weird, a sort of hidden fag, a lier, a bad husband and father". But I know I am not. I am not alone and I am not a bad person. I know it because other men confessed me the same as me, anonymously.

I am trying not to judge myself anymore and quit looking for validation. I am trying to accept myself without labeling my needs and stop drama and of course unconvenient behaviour, like online sex chat.

Thank again.

 

Now I have close friends, two real friends: one is 42 and recently admitted to me his porn addiction. He is married and happy, but you know how it works. I didn't confess him my problem, because I feel ashamed. The other one is a soldier, 40 and married too: he is really not into expressing himself beyond jokes. I know he has an addiction to porn also, because we laugh about it. But nothing more.

Talking about addiction to them may not be helpful because they may also be suffering like you. they are not experts or counselors or therapists. It's like when someone has a broken bone, they go to the doctor. the friends may have good intention and even be sympathetic but they would simply not know what to say. a one n half year therapy was very helpful for me.

So I feel alone, sometimes. And I judge myself like that: "you are alone because you are weird, a sort of hidden fag, a lier, a bad husband and father". But I know I am not. I am not alone and I am not a bad person. I know it because other men confessed me the same as me, anonymously.

It's ok to be alone. its ok to be homosexual. by the way in my office there was a party n one fellow was sitting alone. few people wondered why he's alone. now that fellow is at super great position in life. its really ok to be alone. i learnt it the hard way. better be alone and have a strong sense of self than give in to peer pressure n be bullied or mocked by 'friends'.

I am trying not to judge myself anymore and quit looking for validation. I am trying to accept myself without labeling my needs and stop drama and of course unconvenient behaviour, like online sex chat.

the problem with online sex chat is that if things go wrong then no amount of prayers, begging to god, social work, regret will turn back the hands of time. i say this cause i have begged to god, prayed, even done social work but couldnt find peace.

do you have any siblings/cousins/or old friends with whom you can connect? i had a friend whom i was hesistant to call. i thought he had moved on, but when we met he was glad i met him n asked me to let me know whenever he's in town again.

 

If you wish to understand what's going on in your head, read these articles.

• Porn Addiction Basics
• A Science-Based Case for Ending the Porn Epidemic (long read). Scroll down to "Changing What We Crave".

Find a way to begin your hard reboot and keep at it.

@recoome mentioned therapy. It is vital that you go for therapy. Why? Because addictions happen for a reason; they don't just appear out of nowhere. And, the addiction makes your problems worse. Although it's possible to go clean without therapy, you will find it hugely easier and more effective with therapy. I cannot emphasise enough how much therapy helped me.

 

True to that. Therapist made me realize the porn addiction was a symptom and that my issues were came from childhood n family.

 

I was in therapy for onenyear for other reasons (the death of my mother for cancer) but of course this was also discussed, even if not treated properly.

And yes, I have a close friend to connect to, even if discussing this topic personally is not so easy for me.

I will try both: focus therapy upon that and talk to a friend. I will let you know. It will take time, I suppose.

What about your sexual life during the addiction?

Thanks a lot.

 

During addiction I'd have random n super risky gay encounters with strangers. Could've been beaten up a few times. Got shouted at.

In fact a gay pass at my friend caused my breakdown.

I was addicted to porn n didnt think it was wrong.

Therapy helped a lot. I have much more control over myself. Only thing I lack is self respect due to past actions.

Watching incessant porn made me think of it all the time.

 

Past is past.

I don't even think about encounters. I stop ti a fantasy level. And I look for straight guys with curiosity, not gay.

I chat with them, mostly, about their habits and feelings. Masturbation is sometimes shared without showing off, just to have a feedback and it is not oriented on us.

I never use my real name and position and I change account everytime. Nothing is continuous, nothing gets too personal. Sometimes it was just really great: being honest to each other in a safe anonymous place could be helpful.

The problem is my obsession in repeating the same actions. Otherwise would have been just moments of fun between men. Obsession is my problem.

So you are a gay man? Did your behaviour match with your orientation (if I can ask you...).

 

I don't know if I'm straight or gay or bisexual. The therapist said give it time to resolve.

Earlier even i would stop at fantasy level and wouldn't indulge in acts. but once a guy made a pass at me which led to him caressing my crotch (while i was still wearing pants). eventually i started visiting such places more often and then i began the one who'd initiate such acts. it only more intense n frequent.

i would never think about these encounters after they had happened. but the fantasies were taking over n i'd think of gay porn all the time. then one day i made a pass at a friend n he refused. at that instant i realize 'what the hell was i trying to do' and then i recalled all the earlier incidents that i'd done n the porn addiction. i had a nervous breakdown.

this was 7 years ago n i still regret it. my porn addiction has severely reduced.

it wont take much for thoughts/fantasies to turn to actions. one quote said:

look after your thoughts for
thoughts become words...
words become actions...
actions become habit...
habit becomes character...
character becomes destiny...

 

I understand.

Let me say that it's really not useful for you, for us, living the past as a prison. Think about all the people that passed through personal tragedies...they are not condamned to a destiny: they just suffer, and you, we are suffering. We have to be compassionate to ourselves and love the way we are.

I am 46 and I decided to refuse any label: bi, gay, straight...who cares? I suffered so many years inside because of self labeling. I am just honest to myself: I am attracted to men in a nervous and compulsive way, that's a part of my sexuality. That's it. I am married, I love having sex with my wife, I like women's body and straight porn. But I watch sometimes, compulsively, gay porn. And I talk about sex with men in some chatroom masturbating with them. I didn't kill anybody. That's me now. Tomorrow, who knows... In the past? I was ashamed for some childish game I did with my buddy when I was a kid. Maybe the origin of my "desease". Maybe. Who cares, dude? What makes the difference? The past? No. Present makes difference.

My advice is considering sexual orientation more fluid. We are not machines. Many men I talked to felt the same. Some of them express themselves using chatrooms in a perfectly controlled way. This is not our case. I suffer from obsession and compulsion, you had a nervous breakdown. Now we know. People learn from mistakes. So it's better for us to quit. And enjoy life and ourselves without any pressure. You offer yourself to other men? Ok, hope you had fun, buddy! What's wrong in it?

Being not able to switch off negative thoughts, being compulsive and addicted: this could be wrong. Hurting someone or yourself: this is wrong. But we can pass over it!

I feel so much better talking here. I don't tell my wife, I consider this as a masculine issue, let's say: it's my space. I will bring into the couple the enrichment I will get also from here. From being honest and expressing myself honestly, from trying to help a man in trouble like me.

Be safe, don't give up, don't judge yourself and enjoy good and safe sex.