A Journey Ends and another Begins

Hi, i would like to firstly introduce myself with certain limitations for privacy reasons i was born in Easter Europe but lived in Spain for couple of years, currently established in the UK
So i wanted to make this account to share with the community my issue and see if anybody else has experienced the same thing since im seeking help.

Today i relapsed again and have been doing so for the past 9 Years of my life, i was introduced to porn at around 12 years old now im 21 and still watch porn till this day.
Now it has been a rollercoaster ride for me all my life.
In Romania i was the class clown i had like 1 main friend and the rest of the people would laugh at me cause i was dumb but i just simply didn't underestand school i would have preferred to go out and watch birds fly above my head and enjoy time with my firends but thats beside the point.
I was bullied but then i left for Spain at 8 years old and that changed my life forever it was a new realm a new experience and oportunity to start over, i was scared to be hones didnt know a single word in Spanish.
At the start it was hard i had these special lessons for me and other kids that didnt know a word in Spanish, it was really easy for me to learn it since Romanian comes from Latin the same as Spanish so many words were similar.
Now in my time in Spain i was bullied in school for being the only foreigner in my year group, back in 2008 i think there werent many foreigners in the town i stayed and so i was outcasted but dont get me wrong i did have my group of friend of witch have build lifelong connections and still talk with them till this day.

But yeah all that chunk of story was kind of needed to introduce my problem, i had social anxiety because of the language barrier and bullying so i was the "shy" guy in class never spoke to any girls but watched how the other boys were engaging and flirting with them, and saw myself as incapable or unfit to do the same, you know like ass grabings or perverted things like that the some gitls lowkey liked but im not that type of person so i didnt find it ok.

But i always fantasied with having one of the girls of my class as a girlfriend or even be able to be with one of them, so i started masturbating with the taught of them with my eyes closed and using my imagination, that is the healthy way of masturbating i guess, but i liked it. Later on we were given free laptops it was some sort of school program going on at the time, and so thats where it first began and was first exposed to porn.
From there it was downhill, i started watching it intensely every night fantasising with having sex with the girls from my class every-night.

Fast forwarding time to today date
Now im at university i know porn is bad for me and has completely destroyed my life i have lost so many opportunities for sex but is not even about that anymore is the fact that its giving me anxiety and social awkwardness and i hate it because i know deep down im a happy enthusiastic and vibrant person but i keep shooting myself in the leg by watching porn over and over again.

Now for my biggest issue
I have tried numerous methods to stop masturbating and watching porn but all have come to nothing i tried diaries i tried blocking all porn in my computers i have deleted social media for couple of days. But my biggest issue is that i fantasize with having sex with girls that i know, that is my biggest weakness and i dont know how to get over it. What i do is i go on Instagram and if i see a hot picture of a girl i know i screenshot it on my phone and i repeat the process with other girls i know when i have 10 pictures i go to watch porn and when i ejaculate i quickly look at their pictures to be like im doing it over them, its fucked up i know but i want to stop, the problem is not even porn anymore i can go weeks without watching it, its the pictures they arrouse me and make me have infinite urges and when i delete social media i feel left out in social interactions with other people that maybe DM me on instagram or react to my tweets etc.. I need help i havent spoken to anyone in this detail about my problem but today i relapsed and taught to myself that i have had enough, i have had NOFAP goals before but they were always fruitless.i dont know what to do
If you have read this far i appreciate you for taking the time of reading my story today i start my no PMO journey once again because i want to become the best version of myself. Peace and love im out

 

Hey thank you so much for the encouraging words, it really helps like i look at this message and gives me hope and motivation to continue since other people have the same problem as me or similar, now is the time for change for all of us, beck of luck in your journey too !

 

Thank You haha it was quite easy but not to brag, i was quite young so i learned them quickly, and yeah i have added limits to the time of social media to 1 hour per day with screen time on apple very useful feature