Finally acted out with a ts

Im 24 and I've watched ts porn since I was 17. I've tried quitting since I turned 18 but I could never stop for long enough to heal. I was so upset that I kept relapsing to ts cams and spending my money on it, that I decided to see if I actually like ts girls and buy a escort. Bad idea. I didnt enjoyed any of it. I sucked her cock and let her top me. It mosty hurt and felt like I was raped in a way. This just happened today. I she used a condom but I am really scared about possible stds. Please give me advice... I feel like I will never forgive myself for this

 

Well were to begin, I guess I'll give an overview of my addiction. I started watching porn when I was 12 years old. It started out with normal stuff, mainly lesbian and milf porn. Around 14 I watched a joi video of this milf that instructed the viewer to stick a finger up their ass. I tried it and it gave me some hocd as I began questioning my sexuality for doing that. Hocd came and went for awhile but I got over it. At 15 I got my first girlfriend(girl1), which only lasted a week. This girl(girl2) who I had liked for a while started telling me I could do better and I found out she liked me so I broke up with the first girl for her. Girl 2 was best friends with a 3rd girl who we will call girl 3. Girl 3 was my first kiss at the begining of the school year but she had a boyfriend and she didnt want to break up with him and just wanted to keep hooking up with me. I really started to like girl 2 but my porn addiction was progressing and the summer came. I got really bad acne and saw her on facebook on some guys boat and with my low self confidance because of acne I just stopped talking to her. That was the last and closest thing to a relationship I've had. Now the porn was getting out of hand. At least three times a day I would get off to in the crack pics of girls spreading their asses. I got more and more into anal and the escalation had begun. Fast foward to 17 and I watch a video with a thumbnail of what looks like two girls with perfect asses, I still remember the thumbnail. Im really turned on ans as the video progresses I discover the girls are transgendered people. I came to that video and that opened a door I wish never existed. Now fast foward to 23 Im still a virgin pretty sure I have pied as any interaction barely turned me on, I feel nothing. I would go to strip clubs suck on titties and just get pre cum in my pants no erection. So I saw a female escort but couldnt get it up. In high school I used to get fully hard just from making out with my gf. This made me feel like less than a man. I didnt want to flirt with any women because I know couldnt get hard or please her. So I began taking drastic steps I told my parents to hold on to my computer and got a flip phone with no internet. This worked for about a month. During that month I punched my drunk dad and wrecked my car staring at some girls ass on the beach while driving. I convinced my parents to let me have the computer and relapsed. Now fast foward to now I live with my roomates and the only way to use the internet is through th xbox or ps4(which is how im typing this). I was so tired of relapsing to ts cams spending money on it that I finally decided to meet a ts escort and see if I like it. The amount of money I've spent on cams, stripclubs and escorts is in the thousands. I took a day off work and called up this ts escort, I planned to meet her within the hour. I got to her place she asked for the money and we started kissing. I sucked her dick and it didnt do anything for me, even though I've cum thinking about it before. She got on top and started fucking me. I immediately felt weird and turned off, but I decided to try and get used to it to see if I could like. After moving into different positions I decided I was done. She tried to hold me down but I over powered her and got her off me. I ended up coming somehow and I didnt really feel and pleasure in comparison to the pain. I stayed home from work again today. I feel extremely ashamed and now that I'm almost 25 I feel I will nver heal from this. I know what I truly want is companionship with a women but I don't know how to close the doors I've opened. She promised me she was clean but I'm really worried about getting an std. She used a condom when she topped me but not when I was sucking her dick. I don't know why I did this, and I still feel the urge to watch ts porn just out of bored wtf.

 

It's been about six months and I'm still struggling. I'm on a descent streaks here and there since but no real drastic change. I'm sorry to all who replied to my posts and I didn't properly thank for your kind words and advice. I tried to give my computer to my parents and 100% get rid of porn, but I see now I must fight the temptation everyday. I can't just run away, I would always find some device to connect to the internet at night and watch porn (even on someone else's device, xbox, ps4, ect, I know fucking disgusting degenerate behavior). I have my computer back now and although I've watched porn since I feel I'm getting stronger with avoiding porn, even as I type this I could watch porn as no one is awake, but having all these things in the front of my mind makes me cry thinking about ruining myself any more. I'm allowing myself one orgasm without porn or fantasy only on Sunday if I get too horny. I MO'd today without fantasy only small thoughts of real women I've been with but they weren't much as I kept my eyes open. It wasn't easy but I came and it almost didn't even feel like anything. Alot was expelled but no real pleasure, not anywhere near porn orgasm, so I know it did't effect my neurochemicals as much, but all day I felt drained as fuck weaker voice but no chaser effect. I will try not to MO, it will only be a last resort at the end of the week if urges are crazy in said week. As something to look forward to, if I'm feeling that super horny "maybe I should just watch it maybe it's what I really want," type of feeling. I can rationalize it away with wait until Sunday Mr. penis. I would be six months free if I just stopped after that encounter, why must I be cursed to wonder in the valley of the beast.