Misogyny and me

Hey man,
I was actually in a very similar position - my PMO habits were very much out of sync with my values. I’ll be honest, identifying as a feminist doesn’t make improvement easier, it’s a tough road regardless. But what really helped me was, I realised, a form of cognitive behavioural therapy. I’d done a lot of work on changing my behaviours (avoiding PMO, trying other habits etc.) but it was still really hard - my mind always kept wandering back to PMO. The moment I actually felt the temptation disappear completely is when I used affirmations to realign my cognition - repeating things like “I respect women in every way” and “My behaviours are in line with my values” every day really made things easier. Good luck! Lemme know how things progress or if you want any other advice

 

Hi buddy, first, thanks for sharing.
Secondly, as a man it is natural to think about subjects like this.
I'm not sure you are mysogenic, but if so, try your best not to be. If you feel that stop using porn will develop the sensitive side in you so do it. If you feel that talking nicier to people will help you achieve it, do it. Eventually, all of us wish to be better persons to the ones surrounding us, whether they are women or man, the only thing that differentiate us from each other, is what we do about it. It's ok that you share your feelings with everyone, it is important to me that you will not dwell on it each day but really try to be your best.

Take care.

 

In terms of practical tips the first thing I'll say is to remember that this could be one of the hardest things you can do. Depending on how long you've had these habits for it'll take a long time to extinguish, and it's normal to relapse several times before you finally get things right. So the most important practical advice I can give you is to always, always keep trying, and don't beat yourself up if you fail. It took me nine months.

The second tip I'd give is to use a habit tracker (e.g., HabitShare). If you can successfully abstain for a few weeks, then that will always serve as motivation for what's possible if you relapse and it'll help you visualise your progress in the long run. Also helps for goal setting.

The third is to try and be a scientist. For me, I relapsed maybe around 10 times before I finally succeeded. But every one of those times I questioned what went wrong and how I can improve - usually it was something to do with my triggers, having a sense of privacy, or just sheer boredom. Most of the time it wasn't actually because I was super horny - it was just because it was a habit. If you can find the trigger for the habit and deal with it successfully, then quitting becomes that much easier.

My fourth tip is that it's easier to replace bad habits with good ones, rather than just stopping the bad habit outright. Ask yourself, is there any benefit that I'm getting from PMO that I can get from something else? For me, a lot of it was the simple rush of pleasure and taking advantage of time I had alone. But meditation ticked those boxes as well (and was far more productive), so I tried taking that up instead. Didn't quite satisfy the horniness in the moment but it was surprisingly effective overall - and if you make something like mindfulness meditation a habit, it can also help train you to acknowledge your thoughts, but not chase them. I wouldn't be surprised if that also contributed to my success.

Lastly, and this one might not be in your complete control, but if you can try and keep external stressors to a minimum. It might be tough if you're going through lockdown at the moment, but for me when I was stressed I tended to resort to PMO out of habit - because it's easy to think, why the hell not.

Good luck man, I hope at the end of this you can become more in tune with who you want to be.

 

Hey. I totally get where you’re coming from and I have the same thought process. I think it’s a really good thing that we’re having this kind of personality crisis, because we’re coming to terms with how we were contradicting our values/beliefs. In some warped way, I think I was almost trying to change my values/beliefs to align with my porn/fantasy habit (which was obviously a terrible idea). Now I recognise that it’s not good enough to simply say “I’m a feminist”, “I respect women” etc. I realise that I have to act in this way too. It sounds like you’re in the grief stage of recovery which is the stage for self-discovery and healing, but it also very much a make-it or break-it period. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that you can be the person you want to be.

 

By the way, I’m in therapy (paused at the moment because of COVID-19) and I am tracking the journey with a journal. I have advice and material taken from the sessions so feel free to take a look. Be careful if you decide to complete any of the material as it can be emotionally triggering.