Free but broken

I'm 25 years old, soon turning 26. really. I'm not really new to NoFap since I'm in the fight since 2016, so 4 years.
It's been at least 3 months since I'm PMO free, in fact I could have been free for a long time if I wanted to but I spent a lot of time testing myself constantly so I "relapsed" many times in an effort to understand what was going on. Kind of a dumb and crazy tactic I know, but I was obsessed with it. As if I wanted to destroy myself or punish myself for making the mistakes of fapping to degenerate things in the past. I couldn't understand why I could masturbate on things I don't like. Finally I realized that it is masturbation in itself which is the root cause of everything, it is a form of self-abuse just like a rape victim can experience orgasm (the explosion of vital force) while getting raped. When you stimulate the penis, it will get hard no matter what. So when you masturbate on P you really are raping yourself because the stimulation of the penis triggers an automatic response no matter what you watch. That's how some of you here end up questioning their sexuality. And like many of you my friends, I was doing that to myself and it fucked me in the mind, it corrupted my soul, my purpose. Now I try to break free from Mo.
The realization of what I have done to me has brought a profound despair upon me. I feel like a failure, a trash, like there is no escape, and never will be. I question the purpose of the human nature, why our biology is like that. I have come to a point where I hate myself and nature itself for making me that way.

 

Thanks, Indeed now that I'm almost free I have a strong routine of self-improvement, which allowed me to see how powerful I could have become if I had done that earlier. The challenge now is to cope with the past without becoming completely crazy.

 

Hello there...
Welcome to the community!

 

Hey, welcome to the NoFap community
: )

It's nice to see you here fighting the good fight alongside us!
First let me go ahead and drop some helpful links for you:
Getting Started Guide / Forum Rules / How to Use the NoFap forums/ Glossary/ NoFap Panic button/
Set up your day counter /
Rebooting Resources/
Accountability groups (new!)/
About NoFap/ Support NoFap

Here is just some advice:
First and foremost please take a careful look at each section in the forum, there may be something(s) you will find to be of big help to you.

Secondly I advise you to be active on your profile(as there a few active people in the profile section). Please start by choosing an avatar and then begin posting frequent status posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement.
The forum has got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see.
People will find your profile and give you support.

There’s a portion of people who love communicating in the profile section..(it should be and is )mostly spportive talk but it doesn't hurt to deviate from supportive conversations. It would be great to have you join in and become part of the team!
We support others in the threads, profile posts, and journals/reboot logs.
Once you receive some support, please be sure and be grateful to the member for the help/support you received and consider giving some in return to anyone you wish.

Thirdly, you should highly consider creating a public journal/reboot log (in the appropriate sectionfor you) to write about your days in depth for us members to follow along on your journey and offer support to you on.

Please start your journal in the correct section and with that, also try your best to post in the correct sections as it is mandatory and would be helpful to the mods who organize the forum. : )

Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!